I Always Will

The Queen's Confession

Rowan

Crying all night is an exhausting endeavor. I examine myself briefly in the mirror of the guest bathroom. I look exactly like I feel, of course. I shuffle into the shower, not even caring that the water is ice cold. My body reacts with tension as the icy blast hits me, but my mind is still dulled by fatigue and something worse.

The black tar of anger that gets in all the cracks of my brain and makes my thinking so sticky.

I'm pissed at Riley. He had no right to blame me for what Aidan did.

Just because I had sex with Aidan once—okay, a bunch of times, but still I count it as one awful mistake—just because I had sex with Aidan once does not give him some kind of squatter's rights to my body. He had no right to touch me, to back me against the wall, to force a violent and unpleasant kiss on me. He's lucky I just gave him a warning ball squeeze instead of biting his grungy tongue off.

I'm pissed at Aidan, too. And at Dev for making this situation ten times worse, but my anger at them is nothing compared to my anger at Riley. He says he loves me, but just like before, it feels like his love is conditional.

Men are so fucking stupid. Chili has the right idea. She steers clear of romantic entanglements with guys because they are too much hassle to deal with.

After the shower has done nothing more than wake my indignation, I realize I have no clothes in this room anymore.

Fuck.

Naked is not how I want to confront Riley this morning. I've spent enough time naked and kneeling for that man. Maybe my dad is right. Maybe we are not solid. Maybe this is all wrong. Maybe we can't save this, no matter how much I love him.

Well, whatever is going to happen, I'm down cowering and crying. I call my mother and ask her if she will meet me for lunch. I don't go out during the day without Riley, and he rarely desires public outings, preferring to stay home where he can move around without the chair. My mother is surprised but immediately agreeable.

I wrap up in the comforter and march through the house, expecting to find Riley still asleep. It's 9am, but he doesn't have PT today. He's not asleep. He's in his office, on a headset, talking calmly as he paces back and forth. He's not using his walker but holding onto the wall for support.

This is the way he negotiates deals. He says he thinks better on his feet. He paces and prods, walks and wheedles until he gets what he wants. I pause in the doorway. His eyes flit to me. He looks absolutely white. From pain or exhaustion, I can't tell.

His expression is unreadable as he says into his headset, "The promotional tour and the half season agreement is no longer acceptable, after what happened in London this weekend. I've already got sworn affidavits from the club restroom attendant, a club patron who walked in on the scene unbeknownst to Row but who went for security, and the doctor who treated Rowan. When she wakes today, Rowan's own statement will be taken but it will state that Mosteller paid a restroom attendant to leave so he could corner Row and physically intimidate her. He propositioned her. When she refused him, he forced her against a wall and kissed her while she struggled to free herself. Then, he threw her against the stall, hard enough to give her a head injury that needed to be treated by a physician. That's sexual assault any way you cut it. He's the one that should be in jail right now, and he would be if I had been with her in London, and I wouldn't have given a good goddamn about the bad PR for the show, because I know what you did last year.

"It was a top down decision to push Mosteller and Rowan together over and over off the set, wasn't it? You were trying to drive a wedge between my wife and I, because my concern for health was just too much of an inconvenience to you lot. It's quite ironic that the cast parties, dinners and impromptu gatherings—all the drinking and all the drugs— never happened when I came to set, isn't it? But when I was away, all sorts of casual situations were arranged to push them together. It was also probably a top down decision to leak rumors about a romance between them, wasn't it. Well, that's all over. My wife and I have reconciled and there is no more hope for you to create division between us. Rowan told me quite clearly last night she never wants to see Aidan Mosteller again, so I can assure you, she will never share a set, a stage, or any space with him going forward. So you've got a promotional tour to rearrange and Stella's exit to rewrite."