I Always Will

Dr. Watkins

Rowan

I thought couples counseling would be different this time. On account of all the progress we've made since Riley's accident.

But now, sitting in Marley's study, I'm not so sure.

Our session is two minutes old, and Riley has already completely shut down. He's staring out the window while Marley makes opening remarks about her philosophies on marriage counseling. I reach for his hand, hoping to recall his attention, and he shirks me.

Marley stops talking  as she examines Riley's obviously frustrated body language more closely.

"Riley, would you prefer to start with separate sessions?" she asks calmly.

"There's no need. We've been that route before. Twice. You're our fourth therapist. I'm quite inoculated to the discomfort of having my entrails examined in public, and prophecies of our marriage announced."

I'm shocked to hear Riley ridicule therapy like that, and I almost expect Doc Gorgeous to snark back, but I guess never met Dr. Watkins before, because she doesn't react at all. She nods coolly and makes a two word note in a brand new journal. "Your antagonism is a little surprising. Yesterday, you seemed positive, even eager to begin counseling. What's changed?"

He says nothing.

"It's been a rough morning," I say apologetically. I reach again for Riley's hand, and he lets me take it this time. Our gaze meets and he gives me that goddamn British smile of resignation.

"Yes. Quite."

"Okay," Marley says. "Would you like to talk about your morning?"

"Yes," I say at the same time he says, "No."

I stare at him helplessly. He stares back, infuriatingly British.

"Row would like to talk about it. Will you listen?" Marley asks him.

He inclines his head at me, then returns to staring out the window.

"I think, for the purposes of our sessions, we should not assume that either Row or I can read your body language. I think it would be really helpful if you gave us both the courtesy of responding with words."

He narrows his eyes at her, but he says. "Of course. Go ahead, darling. Tell her."

The way he says darling is not the way I've become used to hearing it. He pierces me with it like a saber. I withdraw my hand.

"He's angry with me because we were having sex this morning and I...I started crying in the middle of it. He lost his erection."

Marley nods. She doesn't ask the obvious question. Instead she says, "Is this a common occurrence?"

Riley gives a derisive laugh. "You'll have to be more specific, Doctor. Do you mean Row crying during sex or my erectile dysfunction.?"

She smiles. "You're right, Riley. That was poorly phrased. I meant neither, actually. Row, is Riley's anger a common response to your sexual discomfort?"

"No," he says at the same time I say, "yes."

He laughs at me. "You've got to be kidding, Row. You're actually going to characterize me like that? Tell her the true story..."

"Why don't you tell me what happened, Riley?" Marley says.

"It's the first bloody time since the accident I've been able to keep an erection long enough to have sex. We've been trying for weeks and it's been...tender, which is why I can't believe she would say I'm angry in bed. This morning, we were finally able to make it all the way to intercourse, and she started crying right in the middle of passion. And before you ask how that made me feel, well it made me feel furious. I'm trying to make love to my wife and she's...I don't know if she was pitying me or if she was recalled to her sex with Aidan Mosteller and feeling guilty about it, or if she was just comparing the two experiences and the one we were in was miserable in comparison, but any of the above reasons for her tears makes me fucking furious, alright? That's the truth."