Dramonie - Love don't cost a thing-

Confused.

-Draco-      - Edited-

How can something go so perfect but feel like it could have been more if i had allowed it to be.  I feel as if i failed in some way.  Yes last night was perfect, it was amazing everything i did went according to plan, that is very rare to happen for me, it was as if destiny was saying something but i ignored it scared of what might happen if i read the situation wrong and end up ruining this whole trust i have created with Hermione.  That is the last thing that i want to do to her, she deserves nothing but the best.

The worse thing i could have done was say that it wasn't a date, then i opened my mouth and said i do these kind of things with all my friends. What kind of impression did she get from that? Probably reminds her of the days i was a player.  I deserve that though because in the past i would do things just to get in to the girls pants; a true player at heart. But a lot has changed for me within a year, that kind of life style is behind me.  I want to be looking towards my future, settle down with someone special; Hermione is the one i am hoping will fill in that spot for me. I am so worried i ruined my chances with her.

It looked like i hurt her feelings, and i called her a friend, i can't believe i did that, i want to hit my head for saying that, but my body refused to let me become vulnerable, not wanting to get hurt.  Worried at her reaction to me if i admit my feelings to her.  Like seriously what is wrong with me? Sometimes you have to take risks in order to be with the one you love, but i completely avoided the risks to be safe.

Nerves always surround me when i am around Hermione, i manage to say anything than what i truly want to say to her. My mouth lets out the wrong words whenever i am around her. Another thing that i find hard is silence between the two of us, i feel as if i have to fill the space with words, anything to stop me thinking about my feelings about her and doing something to make me look like a fool.  I don't even know or understand what these feeling i have for her are. 

 All i know is that it is a foreign feeling that i am enduring. I get a very tight stomach, it feels as if something within me is fluttering in there, my heart doubles in speed, i sweat and what's up with the blue sparks that happen whenever i touch her?  I have no idea if she has noticed it, all i know is that  i have never experienced this in my entire life.  It makes me want to be reckless, to want to jump full and hard into what ever Hermione wants with me to do; as long as it evolves us two in the same sentence I am happy.

I can't contain these feelings, i just have this huge urge to be near her, to be with her every single second, but then i worry if i do then i will be smothering her, and again the fear that she will leave me creeps into my head, if she leaves me then that means that i am alone again, and i don't want to be alone again.  

Heck i can't be alone again!  To go back to that dark place, the place i hate going to, so far i am lucky with Hermione's presence i haven't been their in my dreams because she is near, only a room away, but that is close enough to me.  Her being in my presence makes me feel the most alive i have ever felt, i feed off her positive energy, it refuels me like petrol to a car.  I don't feel like i'm grasping for air, or waiting to be told i'm useless again, being judged daily, she never judges me, just says nice calming words reinforcing how much she likes me.

But we can't be more than friends.  I am bad for her, evil, why would she want to be surrounded by filth? By me, i would only  drag her down, and i can't allow that to happen.  I know once we are at Hogwarts, we probably won't see each other as much and i will be the outsider in my house, so i know i need to try and pull a little bit away from her, it's just so hard.

I had a restless night, all i wanted to do was sleep next to Hermione.  I didn't want to have sex, i just wanted to feel her by my side, but i just couldn't force myself to leave my room, but today's a new day, i get ready then head to her room.  It's odd her curtains are still drawn and it's nine in the morning, i walk in to her room, heading closer to her, i sit and watch her sleep.