Lost To Darkness (CallMeKevin Fanfic)

Chapter 3: Depression and Anxiety

(Nina's Pov) *TRIGGER WARNING INCLUDED*

Ya know the thing about depression is that you're so exhausted and wanna sleep but when you also have anxiety your mind is so awake and constantly moving and talking that you can't? That's how I feel right now...my brain hates me so much to the point it's waking me up in the middle of the night and wanting to ruin me from the inside out...

The brain is a fascinating yet damaging thing. It destroys you so much and sucks even more when you've been thru so much trauma that has not only been dealt with, but you lost that one special person who helped you through it so now you're just back at rock bottom.

It always loves coming back to haunt you when you're at your lowest...also loves reminding you of what you lost and what you think of yourself...It loves to beat you down and destroy you and keep you from getting or receiving help. It loves making you suffer and keeping you awake at night when all you want to do is sleep and make the pain go away but it prevents you from doing so...

My brain is like a monster along with the thoughts...they're always with me and doesn't leave no matter what I do...I don't think I can even feel happiness anymore now that there...watching...listening and following my every move...it never leaves, it loves causing more pain and making it seem like everything is your fault and that you're a failure...

You can only handle the pain for so long until one day...you explode...or just go numb...Well...that's where I'm at...numb...I don't feel anything, I don't feel like doing anything...it's just nothing...I am nothing...I will always be nothing...

I blinked a few times letting out sharp and painful breaths...I maybe got a few hours of sleep since yesterday? Who knows anymore...I don't have a life nor do I do anything with it...I don't really remember how long I've been on my bed for...I looked at the time seeing it was 5am which made me groan and roll my eyes.

This is never anything new, I can never sleep anymore anyways so I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to go back to sleep but knowing me and being in the dark and silence made the voices in my head loud again...so I just lied on my bed in nothing but silence and stared outside my window until the sky became brighter and moodier.

I let out a pained sigh as my heart and chest hurt...everything just hurt these days...can thank Depression and Anxiety for that...my muscles always ached from lying in the same positions for hours on end and anxiety just makes me tense constantly and I'm never relaxed so...yea nothing I ever do relaxes me and it's slowly killing me...

My heart pounded as tears welled up in my eyes for some reason...it also seems like I can't stop crying these days either...Doesn't even matter what I do or what happens...It all just hurts...the loneliness really fucking hurts...I lost everything and everyone and it all just fucking hurts...I don't know what I'm supposed to do...what am I supposed to do? Tears fell from my face as I let out shaky breaths...I don't want to cry anymore...I don't fucking want to...

I clenched my fists tightly and dug my nails into my skin to feel something else than this fucking pain I feel inside. My heart raced and body started to tremble...I hated this...I hate feeling this way and thinking back to everything but I can't stop...it never fucking stops...It hurts so much and I was doing so well with Beth...I thought I was getting better...I don't know what happened...when does it fucking get better!? I'm so tired!

I don't wanna feel like this forever...13 years of fucking pain and suffering...13 years of pain, loneliness, depression, anxiety, trauma, anger, fear and self-harm...13 fucking years...how does that just go away? What am I supposed to fucking do?

I clenched my pillow tightly to my chest and curled up in a ball and just choked on sobs. My body trembled as my head and heart pounded. My face hurt, my body hurt, everything hurt and I'm so tired and don't wanna do it anymore...I just can't anymore...I don't want to live anymore...I just can't...