Diary of My Life

1/27/15

Hi guys. A lot has happened this month.

So for a recap of my life since the last update I've been feeling the worst I've ever felt. I've been doing therapy for a month or so I honestly don't know, but I've stopped with that because of recent events. It was awful, only made me feel worse. I was put on an antidepressant toward the end of December. I waited three or more weeks I'm not sure, but there was no difference, good or bad.

I couldn't take it any longer after waiting that long for living to get better. I gave up. Took pills and waited for death. My mom ended up taking me to the hospital that night. I don't remember that night at all or the two days following it. When I was healthy enough they sent me to the mental health unit, which I stayed in for three days. That was a mistake, because it's been about a week since getting discharged and I still am feeling suicidal and wanting to hurt myself. I told my mom if I'm still feeling this way by Friday that she should take me back.

I've been lying about how I feel so often though. I want to tell the truth, I really do its just that I feel guilty for making everyone worry and I feel like a burden whenever they do worry about me and my problems. They shouldn't worry about me, just worry about themselves.

I'm a horrible person though, so it's no wonder why everyone's left me. I have this one friend, she's probably reading this, who's been through so much with me. I don't think we could ever let our friendship go without having to grieve immensely. We probably wouldn't be able to go on with normal life for a while if we separated. I know I certainly wouldn't be able to. We clash sometimes but that's because we are our own people and we have our own beliefs and ideas and ways of looking at life. Although our ways of seeing life and thinking are pretty similar. Anyways, if you are reading this, just know you will always be in my heart. Thank you for supporting and being there for me when no one else was. No matter what happens, I'll always remember you.

So yeah. Still alive, still struggling. It's so hard to see the future. I always get caught by surprise when someone asks about what I want to do when I'm older and if I'm going to college and all that stuff, because I honestly don't expect to be here that long.

I'll stop my rambling now. Hope all is well for you, whoever is reading this, and thank you for taking the time to read this. It's very kind of you. I'll update soon.