I Don't Understand you ||Tsukishima Kei Story

If you add lol or Lmao to the end of a sentence its not offensive

Y/n's pov

"How big do you think Keis's feet are?" I ask.

"When you asked me to take you shopping, I thought you meant like for yourself," Oikawa groans.

"Yeah, I thought we were going to give you a makeover of something," Bunny says. "Not getting your boyfriend some clothes."

"I just wanna turn him into an eboy, it's my new goal in life," I say. "And I just need to know how big his feet are, and not in a sexual way this time."

"Call him," Bunny says. "Or call his friends."

"Kei I've got a really important question," I say into my phone. "And also you're a baddie for answering on the first ring."

"What do you want?" he asks. "Did you get lost in the mall again?"

"What size are your feet?" I ask. "No funny business here."

"Why do you need my shoe size? Do not but me shoes," he says. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to get you shoes, but I don't know what size your feet are," I explain. "So tell me."

"I order my shoes online, so don't bother," he says.

"Give me a size reference," I say. "Just so I know. Like how many of my shoes could you fit into your, like just the soul?"

"Two and a half... I don't know your feet are small," he says. "What shoes are you even trying to get?"

"I'm trying to make you an eboy, and now you do not have a choice," I say.

"I have black sneakers," he sighs. "And you better not make me look completely ridiculous."

"I'll make you look like whatever I want," I say. "And maybe next time ill just get you clown shoes."

"I'm hanging up," he says.

"And a wig too. Or I could just dye your hair rainbow," I say. "All the possibilities."

"You are not dying my hair," he says.

"Well I am hanging out with Bunny and Oikawa, and last time that happened I dyed my hair, then I pi-" I pause.

"You what?" he asks. "What did you do?"

"I did nothing!" I yell. "Don't accuse me!"

"What did you do?" he asks.

"Bunny, Kei's gonna stab me," I pass the phone to her. "Tell him that I didn't do anything, but don't overdo it because then he might think I'm sane."

"Oh hey, small tool Tsuki, to what do I owe the pleasure of receiving this call?" she asks, putting him on speaker.

"Y/n called me, now give the phone back to her," he says.

"Sorry, can't do that. We are currently in the process of defacing American dollar bills. Don't worry because we're adding sparkly stickers," she says.

"Oh and tell him that I just bit my tongue so I can't talk to him," I say.

"Oh that's a good plan," Oikawa says.

"I know Toru, I really am the baddest on the block," I say.

"I can hear you," Kei says.

"You can't," I say. "Because I'm not even Y/n, I'm Ushijima."

"Still baffles me that I am indirectly bound to Ushiwaka by a contract made on some construction paper," Oikawa shivers. "But I can manage."

"Did she get into the Flinstone vitamins again?" Kei asks.

"Yes, yes I did, but that is beside the point," I say. "The point is I am not Y/n, and when I'm Y/n again I will come to your house and turn you into an eboy."

"It's too early for this," he sighs.

"And for legal reasons, I need to know if your dick pops when you cross your legs?" I ask.

"What the hell kind of question is that, just ask Oikawa," he says.

"I can't he's built different," I say. "And it's weird to ask people who you aren't dating if their dick pops."

"Yeah," Bunny nods her head. "It's kinda sus."

"It's weird to ask anyone if their dick pops," he says.

"So your dick does pop," I nod my head. "How do you blow it back up?"

"Dicks don't pop, they aren't balloons," I could practically hear the eye roll there.

"Fine... I'll believe you- I mean I'll tell Y/n to believe you," I say. "And Y/n wants to know if she can use your oven to make a cake because she lost oven privileges again, so can she?"

"Well I'm hanging up because I have to mentally prepare to hang out with Y/n," he says. "Bye."

"Well good because Y/n has to... I don't know," I say. "Snort some chalk."

"Y/n has to get a makeover," Oikawa says.

"Yeah, later looser," Bunny laughs.

"Bye Kei, I'll see you later," I say. "And I'm not getting a makeover."

"If I have to suffer then so do you," he says. "Buy now."

"I hope you get one of your clown sized shoe stuck up your ass," I say. "Bye-bye."

"At least I don't need to wear two pairs of socks so my shoes fit," he scoffs.

"At least I have clean socks," I laugh. "If you can't my drift."

"I'm gonna use that one," Bunny nods his head.

"You are disgusting," Kei says.

"Oh you shoulda head the joke she said earlier," Oikawa says. "You know how hard it was to convince my hair lady not to ban me?"

"I had to pretend I was Ashley again," I say. "Bye now, tell Akina that I love her."

"Y/n says that she loves you... She loves you back," he grumbles.

"Love you too Kei, I know that what you wanted," I laugh.

"I am not telling you on speaker," he says. "I don't need you having blackmail."

"Fine," I quickly take him off speaker.

"Love you bye," he says before he quickly hangs up.

"Did y'all hear that?" I ask.

"Oh yeah of course we did," Oikawa says.

"What a softie," Bunny says.

Yes, we did all have our heads pressed together so we could hear, what about it?

I don't even know what I'm doing.

-Crouton