everything i didn't say ;

End Letter for my Ex [2018]

To My Greatest Heartbreak,

I'm sorry I had already forgotten what it felt like to be with you, and I'm sorry that I can only remember how you broke my heart. Not that it mattered more but because my heartbreak was something you never acknowledged.

I'm sorry I had to meet you when we were still too young and naive about love that it actually felt like everything, and I believed you. I'm sorry you woke up one day and decided you don't love me, and I'm sorry I had to lose you so early and the pain was something I had never felt before. I'm sorry your feelings didn't last, only the hole you left in my chest.

I'm sorry it took me so long to finally realize that we both don't deserve each other and that when people part it will always be painful. I'm sorry that it took me hours of sleepless nights asking myself why I was not enough for you, that I waited for every shooting star to burn just so I could wish for you, only to be denied every time. I'm sorry I had to gather every bottle of feelings and then throw them into the ocean just to make sure they never come back, because I waited by the shore— cold and alone, until I finally gave up.

I'm sorry I had to blame you for the pain I've endured in those years because how can someone say my name like a promise only to become something your tongue doesn't want to speak ever again? Like it didn't mean something to you, like the moments we once shared, now were just memories you wanna bury deep hoping the guilt won't haunt you and so it haunt me.

And after all, I was lucky that the time was not right for us then. I am thankful that you left too soon because you didn't really love me, because it wasn't really love at all. I'm glad that I didn't end up with you.

So this is me being sorry for all the things you never admitted. This is me saying sorry, because I had waited for you to arrive at my door with a handful of apologies, but not a single one came, you never did. I'm sorry I was too late to properly say goodbye because you never gave me that closure, and so this is mine.

To my greatest heartbreak, I hope this is the first and last time I will remember our once-upon-a-time because I'm done with fairy tales and I don't just deserve the happy endings, because truth is, when love is real, and when love is meant for each other, I won't have to beg for it. We deserve something that lasts. I do. Love never fails and love does not give up; it's always worth the fight. But you are not anymore.

Thankyou for leaving me because now I have finally found my soulmate, the love of my life, and the one who loves me dearly. Thankyou for letting me go. Hopefully you'll find the right one for you, caio.

—jillaine.mc