Conan The Dandelion (Boyxboy) ✔

Chapter 25: Infinitely Big

A/N: 27.12.2020

How much battery do you guys have? I'm at 50% 🔋

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I was at home reading a philosophy book about how the world was infinitely big and humans miserably small. Parker texted me saying I could go to his place. I told him that I was busy doing homework, which sadly, was a lie. Lying was considered a sin, but living without lying was an even bigger sin. That proclamation itself had to be the worst lie, and secondly, that idealistic way of thinking was no better than digging your own grave.

Pessimistic or realistic, I couldn't convince myself that one could live purely on truths; and if somehow that were possible, those people must lead miserabe and possibly short lives. We fed on pretty lies to survive from the ugly Truth.

I didn't want to be with Parker right now. After seeing him with someone else, I couldn't help but think how unfit I was for him, and unfit for people in general. I felt like a fallen puzzle piece that fell off the table and got crooked. No matter how hard you tried to push it back in its place, it just no longer fit. So you set it aside, not with the others, yet, not far away enough.

I tried to return to my book, but the Dark Thoughts kept creeping into my mind, asking me questions I didn't have the answers to.

Why was Parker with me in the first place? Parker liked touching people, and he liked it when others touched him. He liked intimacy, he liked kissing, he liked sex, he liked everything I couldn't give him, so why was he going through the trouble of being with me? Why even bother? He could be sleeping with so many people right, so why?

Then I thought to myself, maybe he was having sex with other people. Maybe he was seeing people behind my back, and that his patience wasn't real patience, but a lie. Perhaps he enjoyed the conversations he had with me, which was why he kept me by his side, but confided in someone else for physical pleasure.

Yes, that must be it. There was no other logical reason that could explain Parker wanting to be with me or why he would deprive himself from pleasure. There was no other logical explanation.

I quickly shook my head, trying to push away the Dark Thoughts. 

You're a terrible person, Conan. How could you think so lowly of Parker? He's been so good to you, and what do you do in return? You think badly of him. You're terrible, Conan, absolutely terrible.

It was now both my Dark Thoughts and myself who scolded me this time. 

I couldn't finish my book and crawled into bed. I cried myself to sleep, but I didn't feel guilty about crying. No one could see me anyway. I was completely, utterly alone.

Everyone needed their own safe place to cry. Some people liked crying in the shower, others in the bathroom, my safe place was in my room, in my bed, under the sheets. It was where I could hide away from the scary world and be myself for a few minutes.

I avoided Parker the next few days, turning down his invitations and finding excuses not to see him. But on Friday night, my phone rang, and as soon as it did, the Dark Thoughts crawled away. They were scared of Parker.

I answered.

"Dandelion?" His voice made me feel better and worse.

"Good evening, Parker."