Can I Learn To Love Once More? (KamuKoma)

05

izuru had continued to work all day for the rest of the day. after he had left nagito with makoto and went to the third island, he hadn't stopped. he didn't eat that day, but it's not like he needed to. he went days without eating and is still perfectly fine. it was one of the thing the scientists did to him. izuru tried not to think of that. of hajime. thinking of hajime reminded him that he only exists because of a decision hajime made.

with that last thought plaguing his mind, izuru kept digging through scrap piles of metal. he blanked out his mind as he worked. he knew the measurements of nagito arm already. he had been planning to make an arm for the male for a while now, but it was only now a hundred percent necessary. once he knew about nagito taking junko's arm, it was always in his mind.

izuru wanted to rip that thing off the second he learned about it. it wasn't good for nagito's health plus it was just disgusting. a dead hand on your own. junko always annoyed izuru. once izuru learned all of junko's personalities, they became boring. the more junko tried to kill izuru, the more boring she became. he stayed away from her as much as possible. maybe that was what hate felt like, though nagito had never gotten that far with the emotions.

it was around noon now, the next day. izuru had only about 20 percent of the hand done, and if he worked for 24 hours straight, he would need about 5 days to complete it. a hand of what he wanted to make for nagito would take a while. he wanted it to connect to his nerves and other things in his hand so he could easily use it. he still wanted to be with nagito, if he was honest with himself. izuru didn't feel many things for many people, but for nagito he felt a lot.

izuru remembered what the two had started, before nagito had went with the warriors of hope. he had taught him some about emotions, but some of them he was feeling for nagito, the other boy wouldn't teach him because "he wasn't deserving of teaching him". izuru learned a little about them, like the words to describe them, but other than than, he knew nothing.

——

the two males sat on a pile of rocks. it wasn't a big,  but they weren't small enough to cause pain when sitting on them or placing your hands palm down. but they were pretty uncomfortable. it was the best they could get right now. izuru had asked nagito of something he wasn't sure the white haired boy could even fulfill. he wanted help with emotions.

he wasn't sure he was capable of feeling them. nagito had explained them to him so many times, and yet he couldn't grasp them. couldn't understand them. he didn't know what they were. he hated it. he hated not knowing things. he was supposed to know everything, and yet he didn't understand something as small as emotions.

"i think i can help. although, i am worthless. i can't help with them all." there was something nagito wasn't telling him. why couldn't he help with them all? secrets. he hated secrets. he hated not knowing, and keeping something from him means he didn't know. he scowled, but nagito knew he wasn't mad, they had been together for a while.

"there are a few, like love, that i can not teach you. you would never love someone like me." he was smiling, as he said that. izuru hated that. it... hurt him. hurt. he wasn't physically hurt, so why did it feel like this? more questions, and no answers. there was an audible sigh from the man.

after a while, about a week perhaps, izuru had learned words to describe each of the feelings. he realized, some of them were frequent feelings he got that he just didn't know what they were. like annoyance, and frustration. the ones he didn't understand yet were happiness, sadness, and love. love was the one nagito would never help him feel, he had said.

when he described it to him, izuru knew he had felt it before. it was in recent times, when he and nagito stayed together. he realized it was the feelings he had for nagito. when he told him, however, hr smiled again. "no, no, i doubt that." again, the worthlessness he presented himself with, it made him hurt. maybe this was sadness. he hated sadness.

he wanted nagito to feel better, about how he felt about himself. he reassured him over and over again, that yes, he did see him that way. and nagito reassured him over and over that no, he did not feel that way. it made izuru mad. a feeling he had felt many tines before. although this feeling wasn't the "i want to kill you mad", it was the "they way you treat yourself is shit" mad.

then he left. went with the warriors of hope. and now, he was alone. nagito had left he, he would defiantly no longer be going to see junko, after how he got so mad he almost smashed her head into a wall. so he stayed. in that little place, before he was taken in by the future foundation, and before he put everyone in a killing game, for his own selfish desires.

——

at the time, it wasn't selfish to izuru. it was just something he did, to keep himself from being bored. now that he looked back on it, that situation described the word selfish. he was selfish, and his selfish desires put nagito in a tough position, made nagito go into a traumatic situation. why would he do that, to someone he feels "love" for? izuru didn't know why he did it. now, he was pissed off again. he set the hand down, going to calm himself, before he grabbed the parts once again, working to get it finished as soon as possible.

——

hey i'm back! normally, i don't put A/N's like this at the end of a chapter, but i have been gone for so long, i decided i needed to. i had a giant lack of motivation, even after my mental health had gone back up slightly. there will be chapters coming out again, although there still is no schedule. thank you for the patience!