the best of unexpected ~ a kozume kenma fanfic

panic attack

how'd he act if he found me in a panic attack? well, that'd be tough since i was really protective of my vulnerable self. like when i was sick, i didn't want to bother him. i didn't want to show myself like that to him. his opinion of me mattered a lot, because he meant a lot to me.

so when my anxiety got really bad, i just shut myself out for the day and tried to talk to him as little as possible.

but one day some things happened with other classmates, and i couldn't handle it anymore. so i kind of just numbly went to the back of the nekoma gym, which was at the outskirts of the school grounds. it was right next to the water fountain, so no one really came here unless gym class was in session, or occasionally the volleyball/basketball team.

then i kind of just slowly unraveled right there.

i had gotten really good at staying quiet during my panic attacks, since i hid them from pretty much everyone. this one seemed to hurt a little more. was it because of the buildup over the last few days?

i had never really made a good impression with the girls in my class. i was as friendly as i could with everyone, but this included the boys in our class too. and obviously other girls find girls like that disgusting. although i didn't see anything wrong with it. i just wanted to be nice.

but as a result of that, the girls in my class would gossip about me. and that usually didn't hurt, but this time they'd been a little more forceful and actually said things to my face.

i had wore my hair a little nicer today and wore a little makeup since i had been feeling really awful lately, and wanted to make myself feel a little more confident. the girls obviously noticed this, and had called me out on it.

"wow, ayuzawa. dressing up all nice, huh?"

"bet she just wants all the boys to drool over her."

"she already has them wrapped around her finger. what a bitch."

yeah, so that hurt.

i took a shaky breath in, clutching my head in pain. i had never cared too much about friends in my class, since i had kenma, kuroo, and asa-san. but i did still feel self-conscious.

and words hurt, you know?

anyway. back to the present.

my heart hurt. my head hurt. i was crouched on the floor, and starting to see spots, and yet the only thing i could think about was how my makeup was going to be ruined and those girls would make fun of me even more.

oh, how i hated this. i wanted this to stop.

as thought after thought ran through my mind, i felt my body palpitations worsen, and the only thing i could think to do was cover my hand over my mouth, tears streaming down my face, and wish for it to be over.

but then suddenly, i heard a pair of footsteps coming towards the fountain and then rounding the corner.

normally if it wasn't this bad, i'd be able to stop and make myself look presentable enough in a quick 10 seconds. but i didn't have 10 seconds. and even if i did, it wouldn't be enough time since i was in my peak moment of agony.

a stranger was about to see me cry like this.

but when i saw the body round the corner to meet my eyes, i wanted to both cry out in relief, because it was the one person i wanted to see, but also die because it was the one person i didn't want to see.

"kiyo?" kenma's soft voice, although was so beautiful, made me flinch.

my eyes went wide as i saw her flinch at my voice. the tears streaming down her face and over the hand covering her mouth, the makeup smeared around her eyes, her entire body trembling, i took it all in.

my heart broke at the way she looked at me, like she was... almost scared. of me.

the cracks in her heart were visible through her eyes.

i slowly walked over to her, not wanting to startle her. i knelt down to the floor, and enveloped her in a hug.

the kind of hug that felt like he was protecting me with his entire body, the presence that almost immediately made me feel better.

"hey. hey. it's okay, love. i'm right here." i whispered into her hair, rubbing the slow circles on her back that i knew calmed her down.

"listen to my breathing. can you focus on that? just listen, okay, bunny? i'm right here." i repeated. "you can do it. breath for me, okay?"

and eventually, after kenma held my trembling body in his arms for a good three more minutes, just whispering sweet encouragements and talking about simple things to distract me, i could finally answer his little questions with a shaky voice.

when i'd completely calmed down, he pulled away slightly to look at my face, but still kept a grip on my waist. i refused to look at him, my face downcast at my hands in my lap.

"hey..." kenma bent his head down to catch a glimpse of me but i turned my head to the side. "why are you here right now?"

kenma blinked a little, not expecting the question. "kuro wanted to do extra practice and i came out to get a drink." i stayed quiet, then made a little noise of understanding.

"kiyo?"

"hm."

"can i see your pretty face, please?"

she hesitated. "i look really ugly right now."

she couldn't see it, but i smiled a little before taking one of her hands in mine, then pressing a soft kiss to her palm.

"you know, i think you're pretty allllll the time."

my face heated up at his simple action and slightly cheesy words, but looked at him nonetheless. my eyes were red from all the crying. my mascara was smeared around my eyes too. my lips were raw from all my nervous biting. my cheeks were red from either overworking of my body or from kenma being there, i didn't know.

but regardless of all this, ken gave me a grin, an actual grin, and leaned in to kiss the tip of my nose lightly.

"so, so, so pretty, baby."

her eyes started to water all over again, and my eyes widened, worried i was the one to make her cry this time.

but before i could apologize, she slowly moved on her knees to bury her pretty face into my gym uniform, the color of my shirt matching her face.

"thank you, kenken." she whispered. "you don't think of me any differently after that, do you?"

i felt my heart squeeze at her words, so sad that she could possibly think that way. when did she start having panic attacks? i felt like such an awful boyfriend, not having realized in the slightest.

i rested my arms around her, almost naturally, and gave a small sigh into her hair.

"no, kiyo. of course not."

i was quite knowledgeable when it came to panic attacks and anxiety, since i had social anxiety since i was younger and got panic attacks quite often before. it'd gotten better after i'd met kuro though. and even better after i met kiyo.

i tightened my grip on her and said, "to be honest, i admire you for going through that. for not telling me because you want to deal with it yourself, makes me a little mad. but i somehow admire you a little for that, because it just shows how independent you want to be."

i hesitated before pulling away to cup her face in my hand. "but please, please, bunny. please tell me about these kinds of things. please let me help you. you can trust me, okay? i'll do anything to help you." my cheeks burned a little at my bold words, but i knew i meant every word, so i refused to look away until she finally gave me the first smile all day.

"okay, ken."