Black Rose • Mikaelson

12. What is humanity?

Song: Devil in me by Halsey

AS I SLOWLY SIP ON MY DRINK THAT'S TOO early to have, I watch Cami watch me. She wants to ask me a question, I know it but she never does. She refills my drink every so often even when it's more than half full. She finally asks the question she's been holding onto.

"Why do you leave, only to come back?" Cami asks.

I know she means Niklaus, she stares at the picture of the two of us on my phone screen before it goes dark again.

"Why do I leave? Or why do I come back? The questions have two entirely different answers." I stare.

"Both."

"Ivonna complains to you a lot about this, doesn't she?"

Cami nods.

"When you're raised with a father that hates you and a mother that would kill you because she did something she shouldn't have — you miss out on that nurturing love everyone needs. Growing up like that begins to make you feel like the world's against you. So, he turned that pain into power and his fear into fearless. Strength becoming the only thing he knew. Vulnerability no longer was a word Niklaus knew. He pushed and pushed. It's easier when you have control of why the person walks out. I got tired of matching his strength or being the only one showing some kind of vulnerability. So I leave."

Cami stares on, waiting to hear why I choose to come back.

"Every time I run back into Niklaus after however many years, he looks at me like I'm his entire world. As if, he has been wanting nothing more than me entangled with him. Love keeps me running back. In over a thousand years, I have loved nothing and no man more than I love Niklaus."

"You're not worried he'll ever hurt you or choose not to protect you?"

I try to really think about the question. However, it's not really a question to be asked, so I smile.

"No. I'm not worried. If he didn't fear the world was against him and push me away, we'd be celebrating over a thousand years anniversary. I love Niklaus — probably too much. He is my world and universe wrapped into one. I am always his first concern and I have seen nothing sweeter than Niklaus when I am with him. He puts up with my sister, even if she absolutely hates his guts and tried to kill him once."

I smile to myself, looking away from Cami at an empty space. I finally meet her eyes again.

"I stay because my world is not the same without him. No man has measured up to him. No man has made me feel the way he does. Yes, he's an absolute asshole. However, he's an asshole, I'm somehow madly in love with. I hate myself every time he starts pushing me away and I allow it. I hate that I don't leave right away, but then something always drags us back together. I run into him on the street, or his sister invites us to New Orleans where he is, or I go to Mystic Falls looking for something and he goes looking for the same thing. Like I said, I love Niklaus — probably too much."

I down what's left of my drink and stand. Cami watches me go, maybe thinking over my words. Ivonna is pacing back and forth when I get home. I haven't seen her much in the last week since Ethan got back. I'm not upset, but I know now that something's wrong. She stops her pacing when she notices my presence.

"Nadia," Ivonna looks at me with pity, like her words would bring me such pain.

It makes me stop what I'm doing. If I could know in that moment what she would say to me before she said it, it'd save both of us the heart ache of speaking it out loud. I could probably guess. However, searching through her thoughts seemed like the more painful option. We both knew we'd have to have this conversation sooner or later when we got to New Orleans — I was just hoping for never.