Our Song

Chapter 5: Enchanted

"I'm sorry. I didn't think that it was going to rain. Had I known I would have just brought you to somewhere near."

I was in a car with Liam. Simula nung official niya na akong nililigawan ay halos every weekend na siyang nagyayaya ng date. Of course I declined a lot of times dahil hindi naman tayo marupok hindi ba?

Hindi nga ba?

Shut up, brain. I am trying so hard not to be marupok. Sadyang birthday niya next week kaya I agreed to go with him. I don't even know where we are going. Mga ilang oras na rin kaming bumabyahe hanggang sa umulan na nga ng pagkalakas lakas. Not that I mind tho. I love rainy seasons. It calms me kahit masyadong ironic dahil most of the times, bad things happen during rainy seasons. I just love how gloomy it feels when it's raining. Sumasakto kase siya sa estado ng buhay ko: full of gloom and misfortunes.

"It's okay. Just drive carefully, madulas ang kalsada. I don't wanna die a virgin."

I said shrugging.

"pfft. We can change that anytime. Just say yes and be my girlfriend and I'll make sure you're not gonna die a virgin."

He rebutted confidently.

"Thanks but no thanks. I think having to die as a virgin would be better than being your girlfriend."

I said not minding what he would feel. That's just how I feel. I don't want to be with him. Sabi nga nila, allowing someone to be in your life and letting yourself fall in love with that someone is like giving them the power to hurt you, to ruin you. Just like what happened to her. He ruined her to the point where redemption is no longer possible. To the point that she was drowned in misery. 

"Is it really a bad thing to be mine?"

Napalingon ako kay Liam when I heard him  say those words with such pain in his voice and for some reason, I don't wanna hear that kind of tone from him. I examined his face, magkasalubong ang mga kilay, kunot ang noo, he's even biting his lips na para bang sobrang unacceptable ng sinabi ko. There is also the kind of emotion in his eyes that I can't name. I don't know why I feel so guilty, like I've done and said something wrong. There's this feeling that whatever reason I may have, it is wrong to hurt this man no matter how right I think I am.

"N-no. I mean--, not you particularly. I just hate the thought of being owned by someone. Look, there's nothing wrong with you. I do really think that you're a good man. It's just that, I can't see myself letting someone in whether it's you or somebody else. I'm a mess and I don't wanna drag anybody with my own shit especially if it's you. I'm not whole. There are some things that I wanna deal with all by myself because nobody is going to help me with those. I have trust issues, I am broken beyond repair and I know that I'm not gonna be enough for anyone. Yes you like me right now, but what about tomorrow? What about next month or next year? Hanggang kailan mo ko gusto? You see my point? I just don't wanna get hurt by letting someone in."

"Is that your way of rejecting me? Because if it is, it's not working. I don't give a fuck whether you're enough for somebody of not because for me, you are always gonna be enough. Sobra-sobra pa. Kung magiging girlfriend man kita, I would be the luckiest man on earth because I'd have the most amazing woman there is by my side. Who said I would not be able to put up with your trust issues? I'm going to prove to you na ikaw at ikaw lang to the point na hindi mo na ako magagawa pang pagdudahan. Wala akong pakialam kung gaano katagal ang hihintayin ko for you trust me but I will wait while proving that I am worthy of your trust and once I have it, I'll make sure not to ruin it. Isa pa, you can't always deal with everything by yourself and I'll make sure to be there for you when the time comes na hindi mo na kaya. I'm gonna support you in good and bad times. I'm gonna make you happy to the poin na makakalimutan mong you were once broken. I'll do anything for you and I know right now hindi ka naniniwala but let me just prove myself to you. I'll prove na hindi lang ako hanggang salita. I may sound desperate but the hell I am. I am desperate to have you for the rest of my life so sa gusto o sa mas gusto mo, I will make you mine."

He said with conviction. Takot ako. Takot na takot akong papasukin siya sa buhay ko dahil baka mauwi lang din sa wala ang lahat, na baka mauwi lang din sa sakitan ang lahat. I haven't experienced it yet but what I've seen is enough for me to know na hindi ko kakayanin if things go south with him but hearing him say those words make me wanna forget my fears. He makes me wanna forget my fears and just let him in without thinking. There's a part of me that wants to say yes already but there is also a part of me that says, "kulang pa. What he's doing is not enough yet."

"Sa huli mong sinabi, para namang gusto mong sabihin na gustong gusto kita."

"Alam ko naman na gustong gusto mo ko. Deny ka lang ng deny pero you will not be able to lie to yourself for the longest of time so I'll just let you off the hook right now."

I looked at him with my mouth wide open. I can't believe he said that with so much confidence. Nakangiti pa siya na para bang he closed a million dollar deal, na para bang sure na sure siya sa mga sinasabi niya.

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo, alam mo ba iyon?"

I said rolling my eyes. Crush ko lang naman siya kase talented siya at maganda ang mata niya but aside from those wala nang ibang rason pa.

He chuckled upon hearing those from me. Ako naman ay tila nabato-balani dahil doon. I just love how it sounds and how he looks. Nakakagaan ng pakiramdam knowing na ako ang dahilan ng pagngiti niya. He makes me want for more.

"Maganda ba ang view?"

I was pulled out of my reverie. Gwapo lang talaga siya pag tikom ang bunganga but once he talks, napakasarap nang ihagis sa bangin.

"No. Ampanget. Makes me wanna puke."

I can feel my face heating up for being caught staring at him while he just laugh and tease me more.

"I can read you like an open book, you know. Alam kong kinikilig ka sa kapogian ko."

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo talaga."

He laughs again. Mukhang ginagawa niya ng pass time ang pang-iinis sakin and napipikon ako. He might have noticed na naiinis na ko because he stopped teasing me and just drive quietly.

"But seriously, Gorge, I'm going to wait for you with no reservation. I jusft want you to know kung gaano ako kapatay na patay sayo and I really hope na dumating yung time na magiging mutual ang feelings natin pero no pressure. You can take your time. I know it's gonna be worth it. You are going to be worth it so please give yourself a chance to be happy with me."

aaminin ko, masarap sa pandinig ang mga sinasabi niya. Maybe hindi naman talaga siya ang kailangan kong bigyan ng chance kundi ang sarili ko? Maybe I'm overthinking things which hinders me to let myself be happy with him. I don't know what to think anymore but one thing is for sure.

I want to be the only woman who can have his attention for now, or maybe for the rest of my life.