In pieces | 2Jae

25, Discovery

The clock on the white wall ticks away as time passes. Jaebum looks at the black circle willing the hands to move quicker. Every passing tick reminds Jaebum of how long Youngjae has been sleeping. It's like his very own purgatory, sitting here unable to do anything as the time passes by excruciatingly slow. How pathetic. Jaebum lets out a sharp breath in frustration. He turns his eyes back down to Youngjae knowing it's useless to hold a staring contest with the clock.  Jaebum wants to take his phone out to distract himself from the unconscious body in front of him but he can't. It feels wrong. He knows it doesn't make any sense, he knows that Youngjae is asleep and he doesn't know whether Jaebum is looking at him or his phone but he still can't do it. It feels like a betrayal. Jaebum's the reason Yougjae is in here in the first place, who is he to look at anything other than him.  

"Oh please be okay", Jaebum pleads silently, his hand caressing Youngjae's cheek. He knows what the doctors said but he can't shake the doubt weighing his limbs. He needs to see Youngjae up and smiling to believe them. Youngjae shows no reaction, still in a deep slumber.

"I would rather die than lose you", Jaebum whispers quietly, absentmindedly, his mind still swimming with guilt. The words hang in the air patiently as they wait for Jaebum to realise what he just said. And eventually, he does.
Shock travels through Jaebum's body and he snaps back like an elastic, his eyes wide staring at the pale face in front of him. For a few heartbeats, Jaebum sits still, mortified and unbreathing and then the realisation of what he just said crushes his ribs and weakens his legs.
The knowledge of his words moves around and carves itself into the last tiniest particle until every single cell in Jaebum's body hums in agreement: if Youngjae was in danger, there would be nothing holding him back. He would throw himself into harm's way with no hesitation, absolutely none. He has already dedicated himself to Youngjae. Jaebum used to think that his career, his music was the highest priority. He took pride in it too. He made sure that every decision, every choice was made with consideration for his job. He didn't take risks that could jeopardise everything he had worked for, he stayed quiet if he didn't know what to say and he was careful. His career was always number one. Now Jaebum knows it no longer is. Because Youngjae is. Maybe he always has been, ever since from the start. Maybe Jaebum just can't lie to himself anymore. It seems so obvious, so clear that Jaebum wants to scream at himself. How could he have ever thought that getting over the man was possible? That it was even imaginable? He can't, of course not. He's stuck now and Jaebum knows that no matter what, his body will love Youngjae with all of its power until the day he dies. Jaebum can see it now, clear as a day. Himself fifty years from now old and weak, and yet, his sickly heart would thump loudly at the sight of Youngjae. At the first note of his voice. At the smell of his hair. It would thump with love the same way it does now.

Jaebum would crumble down to the floor if he could. If he were anywhere else he might. He would fall to the floor and curl into a ball and he would scream. But he can't. Instead, he keeps holding onto Youngjae's hand like a lifeline. Because now Jaebum realises, that's what the man is. He can no longer pretend that life will go back to normal. He can no longer keep telling himself lies about his feelings or about his "ideal" future, this moment right here has taken all of that away from him. It doesn't matter, any of it. Not anymore. Not after Jaebum saw Youngjae on the ground pale and unconscious. For a brief moment, he imagined that Youngjae was gone for good and what then? Jaebum has been fighting against his feelings for so long and for what? If Youngjae were to leave him, he would be filled with nothing but regrets. If Youngjae were to die... the regret would suffocate him. Jaebum would think about all the chances he had and all the times he turned Youngjae away and the weight of his regret and self-loathing would crush him. He wouldn't be able to survive that. And even though it goes against every rational part of him, even though it goes against everything Jaebum has been saying, he knows he can't stay away anymore. Not after he saw the cruel sight of his potential future. A future, no matter how successful, is nothing without Youngjae in it. Jaebum gets that now. He's not going to hide anymore. Jaebum glances at the empty room around them. It seems too calm after everything Jaebum just went through. He feels like the room should've exploded but instead, it keeps mocking Jaebum with its serenity. Turning his eyes away from the walls, Jaebum lifts himself up just enough to press his lips against Youngjae's smooth forehead. He stays there for a few heartbeats willing his feelings to flow through his lips and then he pulls back again. His fate is sealed. His heart is bound to the life in front of him. No matter what.

-

"Hey", Mark's voice sounds from the door. Jaebum turns to give him a smile as he walks in.
"Here, I brought you coffee", Mark gives the drink to Jaebum and sits next to him.
"The rest of them decided to get something to eat", Mark says and Jaebum nods. They settle into silence. The quiet of the room keeps expanding and soon Jaebum can feel in pressing at his sides, hurrying him, asking him to say what he needs to say.
"I want to be with him", Jaebum finally breaks the silence as the pressure gets too much. The words shouldn't feel this big, not after everything he's admitted to himself today, but the magnitude of them still makes Jaebum shiver. Maybe it's because he said them out loud. Mark stays silent, either because he has nothing to say or because he's waiting for Jaebum to continue. Either way, Jaebum does.
"I know it's selfish of me, I know it's stupid. I know we should never be together and I know it's career suicide, but I do. I really fucking do. But seeing Youngjae on the floor like that... I've never been more scared in my life", Jaebum's voice breaks at the confession. He knows the image of Youngjae's unconscious body will haunt him for the rest of his life. Mark puts his hand on Jaebum's shoulder. He gives him a reassuring squeeze, still silent. Jaebum falls quiet for a long while.
"I don't think I can keep hiding anymore", Jaebum breaks the silence with a fragile voice.
"I can't keep pretending I don't love him anymore, I just can't. Not after today. If something like this happens again and I have done nothing, I won't be able to handle it." Jaebum continues, hurried, not wanting Mark's disapproval to get in the way of what he wants to say.
"I know the risks. Trust me, I know. But I would rather lose it all than lose him." There it is. His final confession. Jaebum knows he's showing it all, he knows he's exposing just how deep his love runs but he doesn't care. In order to make Mark understand, he has to show he's serious. He has to be willing to let his secrets out, that's the only way he'll get a chance to be understood. Mark stays quiet, his hand still on Jaebum's shoulder. Jaebum doesn't turn to look at him, he stays still Youngjae's hand still in his and waits.
"I know", Mark finally says, his voice giving nothing away. Jaebum turns his eyes to him, surprised. Mark is looking at him with a pained expression.
"When you two first confessed, I didn't think it was real. I thought it was a momentary thing, that maybe you two were mixing attachment with love, that if you kept apart it would all go away. I thought that time would make you realise that it was nothing more than a phase, that you loved each other the way brothers do. But you didn't. I saw the pain in your eyes when you looked at each other. No matter how hard you were trying to hide it, I could see you were being torn apart", Mark starts quietly, turning his eyes to Youngjae.
"You were excellent actors, don't get me wrong, but sometimes you would slip." Mark looks back at Jaebum and smiles.
"You especially."
Jaebum answers the smile but there is no joy on either one of their faces.
"Sometimes, when you thought nobody was looking, you would look at Youngjae in a way that I couldn't explain. You would stare at him and I could feel the pain you were in. And sometimes I would have to look away but you never did. No matter how bad it hurt", Mark's eyes are kind as he talks.
"I don't think there is a single person on earth who would go through the pain you did for anything other than love", Mark finishes. Jaebum wants to cry. Mark understands. He is sure to hate it and he surely wishes it could be anyone other than Youngjae, but he understands. He knows Jaebum didn't have a choice. He knows and he is here his hand on Jaebum's shoulder and he's not pushing away. Jaebum turns his eyes away afraid he will start crying if he looks at Mark's kind eyes a second longer. Mark stays silent, patiently waiting like he often does. Once Jaebum has gotten a hold of himself, Mark pulls his hand back and relaxes against the back of his chair.
"Are you sure?" Mark asks this time more serious. Jaebum looks at Youngjae again. He nods.
"Yeah."
"And Youngjae?" Marks asks. Jaebum stays quiet. Jaebum doesn't know. He knows Youngjae wants him but is he willing to give all of this up for him? He's not sure. Youngjae asked Jaebum to give up first, does that mean that without Jaebum he won't be able to do it? If Jaebum never gives up, what then? Is that fair? Can Jaebum just decide to keep loving the man on his own? If Youngjae doesn't want this, want them, who is Jaebum to keep holding on? He shouldn't right, not if Youngjae doesn't want him to. The resolve Jaebum had before shakes. He is sure of his love and he's willing to make the sacrifice but what if Youngjae is not? What if he doesn't want Jaebum to keep going? What then?
Jaebum knows it's a useless question even before asking it. Of course, he will do what Youngjae wants him to. He will do anything Youngjae asks. His love is set in stone now and that stone won't budge into a direction that might hurt the man. Jaebum turns to Mark and gives him a sad smile. Mark seems to understand as he nods. The look on Jaebum's face is enough. He knows.