In pieces | 2Jae

19, Back to normal

It took Jaebum and Youngjae two weeks to find themselves again. It was a time period longer than Jaebum had hoped for, but he takes what he can get. Two weeks of silent tears, weird expressions and quiet breakdowns is all it takes for the two of them to fall into step with each other again. It's not easy, it's nowhere near easy but they can handle it. Because underneath everything else, they are still friends. And that's the part of each other they desperately hold on to. And because they both know that the pain they feel is shared. They both know they're not alone with their pain and they start looking out for each other, almost unconsciously. They make sure to stay far enough away, to not remind each other of anything dangerous. But, then again, just seeing each other brings on the worst pain. So they do what they can and tread lightly, their shared pain in mind.

After their talk, right from the start their interactions were very different from any of their previous ones. They weren't being polite or distant or mad or petty, they were themselves. Frankly a little disorientated versions of themselves, but them nevertheless. And as the days went by their interactions got easier. Their laughs turned a little lighter. Their expressions a little brighter. And two weeks later it was almost like everything was back to normal. Almost.

Mark and Jackson could still see it though. The reason for the 'almost'. Their expressions. Sometimes both Youngjae and Jaebum let their faces slip. They would see each other and the look in their eyes would change. Jaebum would look at Youngjae in the distance and he would frown. The shape of his eyes would change and the corners of his mouth would dip. And then he'd catch himself and calm his expression but the storm in his eyes would remain there. And sometimes Youngjae would see Jaebum on the stage as the lights reflect on his skin and he would catch his breath just a little. And then his eyes would darken for the slightest of moments before he would turn his head away and fake a smile.

The biggest change, however, happened when their eyes met. That's when it was the most noticeable. That's when even the other members, the most observant ones, could tell that everything was still not completely okay.
But no one said anything. Of that Jaebum was the most thankful. Everyone pretended like nothing was wrong. Youngjae finds that to be the most helpful. As long as no one else sees any issues, it's easier for him to pretend he doesn't see any either.

For anyone outside their dorm the change was seamless. The boys never showed their worsened relationship on stage anyway and hence they could fall back to the old rhythm without anyone noticing. The rough patches that had been so present in their lives never actually saw the light of the day. Jebum is truly amazed at just how much they can hide if they want to. Only the most observant fans ever notice anything's different and their voices within the fandom are so small the news never reach the masses. It's good that way. Makes things easier.

Despite everything, this is one of the things Jaebum is glad came out of the mess. He's finally able to see the power they hold regarding their own personal lives. The fans can sometimes get too much and he's glad to see that when it really mattered, they could keep their secrets. Technically the fans aren't supposed to know anything they're not told, but it doesn't always go like that. Sometimes they find out about things they shouldn't have. This though is a thing Jaebum is sure they will never find out. He knows all the member would put their lives on the line to make sure of it.

With a deep sigh Jaebum looks at his phone. Despite how well things have been going, today was a particularly difficult day. They had three schedules, two interviews and one radio show. Live shows are always the hardest because Jaebum never knows what's going to happen. The MC might stray from the script and ask something or do something that'll put their secret in danger. Today was one of those days. The MC was reading fan questions online and there was no proofreading of them. She picked questions she thought were interesting and one of them just happened to be "have you ever been hurt by love?". Jaebum choked up, his mind freezing and he ended up staring at the woman for a little too long. She had to call out his name for him to answer and once he did he gave a very awkward excuse with a shake of his head. He could see the way Youngjae's eyes had widened with repressed emotions. The question had caught everyone by surprise.

Jaebum hovers his thumb over the name and with a curse slipping past his lips he presses the name.
His mother answers after four rings.
Jaebum smiles.
"Hey mom", Jaebum greets. He can hear  the width of her mother's smile in her tone as she answers.
"How are you? How's things?" Jaebum asks with a smile.
"Oh I'm fine, everything's great! How are you my son?" His mother asks. Jaebum can feel his lips trembling and he clears his throat, pushing back the tears.
"I'm fine", Jaebum answers trying to smile. The line stays quiet for a while.
"What's wrong darling? It's mom. You can tell me", her voice is reassuring and calm as she speaks. Jaebum can feel a frown forming as he bites his lips. He takes a deep breath and exhales shakily.
"Things aren't easy mom", Jaebum can feel his voice breaking and he puts a hand over this mouth to stop himself from letting out any more noises. He can hear a shuffling noise from the line as his mother presumably sits down. That's what she always does. If Jaebum has something to tell her, she'll make time. Jaebum doesn't open up to his mother often. The last time he did was over a year ago when things got really hard. This is a rare occurrence and they both know it.
"I'm sorry baby. What's wrong? Can you talk about it?" Jaebum can hear concern in her voice. Another thing Jaebum loves about his mother. She gets how business works and knows there are some things Jaebum can't say out loud. Jaebum sighs.
"I did something stupid. Really stupid. It wasn't really all my fault but I can't blame anyone else", Jaebum explains his voice shaking. He knows he's not making any sense. Nevertheless, his mother listens.
"The thing I did forced me to make a choice that I think is going to hurt me for the rest of my life", Jaebum chokes out not ready to give into the tears again. The line stays quiet for a while.
"Listen, darling. You're going to have to make a choice. You need to figure out your priorities and whichever thing ranks as the first one, that's the thing you need to protect. That's all. You decide what's the most important thing and you hold on to it. What's the one thing you can't lose? Every choice you make has to ensure your ability to keep it", Jaebum's mother says her voice calm and determined. Jaebum takes a deep breath. What's the most important thing, the thing I can't lose? The answer comes to Jaebum almost immediately. His career. Jaebum is frankly a little surprised at the answer. He didn't think he would hold his job as high as he does. Yet there it is. The first thing that came to mind. Youngjae was right after but he was not the first. He is not the first. Jaebum can feel his body calming down and his mind getting a little clearer. He takes another deep breath.
"Thanks mom", Jaebum speaks his voice lighter than before. He can almost see the way his mother smiles.
"You're very welcome... well? Do you still think the choice you made is going to keep hurting you?" She asks. Jaebum nods without hesitation a new wave of pain banging at his heart.
"Yea, it will. But I think it was the right choice", Jaebum answers for the first time since that night truly believing his words.
"I'm glad", his mother answers a smile peeking through her tone. After a little more chatting Jaebum says goodbye to his mother and ends the call. He looks at his studio wall drumming his fingers against the table.
"Okay", he mumbles to himself as he gets up. He made his choice and now he has to deal with it. Jaebum exists the room heading back to the dorm. He has decided that Youngjae's not his priority. His career is. If he wants to ensure his career, he has to stop hiding.