In pieces | 2Jae

3, Fan event

This time it's Youngjae who can't sleep.

He looks at his hyung glumly. Something has been going on with the leader lately, or maybe it has been going on for a while already. Youngjae first noticed it five months ago. Flashes of pain would go through Jaebum's face and when he was deep in his thoughts, he would forget to control his expression and he would end up looking doleful. Youngjae's not sure whether the other members have noticed it too since the two of them shared a room Youngjae got to see Jaebum more than others did. He noticed all the frowns and held back tears, he noticed the older one getting up in the middle of the night and leaving their room, and in the morning he noticed the bags under their leader's eyes. Youngjae asked his hyung many times if something was wrong but he always shook his head with a smile. Every time Youngjae asked that one question, he would see the change. After saying that he's okay, he would try even harder. He would smile and joke, he would always control his expression and he would do everything so he seemed normal. Youngjae hated that because he could see how all Jaebum's actions were forced. It killed him to see Jaebum pushing himself so hard, Youngjae could see how exhausting keeping up that act was.
So, he stopped asking. Instead of using words like "are you okay?" he would do everything he could in order to make him okay. Youngjae would do a small thing for his hyung, things Youngjae is 100% sure no one has noticed he was doing.

He would get water and food for himself, then he would pretend to be full so Jaebum would have to finish the meal,
he would stand behind him and start massaging his shoulder while monitoring their performance,
he would change the sheets on their bed every time they needed to be changed,
he would light up Jaebum's favorite scented candle every night before they went to sleep so the room would smell nice, he would do all kinds of small things like that. After changing rooms, it became harder to help Jaebum but he still tries to do everything he can without being noticed.

He started doing all this when he realized how much the leader did for him. When Youngjae was cold, it was always Jaebum who was there to warm him up, if he was hungry Jaebum was the one who brought him food, it didn't matter what Youngjae needed help with, Jaebum said 'yes' before hearing the request.

Jaebum hugged him when he was sad,
he made him laugh when he was scared,
he held him tightly when he cried,
he never said anything bad to him.
He didn't force Youngjae to do what he didn't want to do,
Jaebum noticed when he was uncomfortable and every single time he changed the flow of the conversation or did something to draw the attention away from Youngjae.

When Youngjae fell, it was Jaebum who had his arms around him and took the hit instead, in every pleasant memory it was always Jaebum.

If it wasn't for Yugeom, Youngjae might've still been blind to all the things his hyung did.

One day Yugeom asked Jaebum to do something for him and once the leader declined, Yugeom asked for the reason.
"Because you're not Youngjae", Jaebum answered matter of factly. Youngjae could hear his words clearly through the open door of their bedroom. Yugeom started complaining and Jaebum laughed, but Youngjae had already heard what he said. So, he started thinking back and he realized all the things he hadn't realized before.

Youngjae doesn't exactly know how to describe what he feels towards Jaebum. Obviously, he loves all of the members and every one of them has a special place in his heart, but there is something different with Jaebum. With every other member, there's a clear line but with the leader, that line seems to be blurred into an unclear mess. Youngjae isn't sure whether what he feels is just deep affection or something else, something much more dangerous. He doesn't know and he doesn't want to know, every time this question crosses his mind he thinks of something else. If Youngjae thought about it, he would most likely find out the answer but he's too scared. He's scared that the answer he finds is one that will cause him pain and make everything he has worked so hard for disappear out of his reach. So, he has convinced himself that all he feels is brotherly love and that's what he'll keep believing. Youngjae gives his sleeping hyung one last glance before closing his eyes with a deep sigh.