In pieces | 2Jae

18, The talk

Jaebum arrived back to the dorm at 6.07 am, two hours before their schedules started. After a quick shower, he went to sleep. Less than two hours of sleep is nothing new to him but as he sits on the chair in the studio he regrets his choices. They are currently filming a variety show and Jaebum has to put his game face on. He keeps smiling and laughing in the right moments, dancing energetically. Jeabum and Youngjae keep avoiding each other's eyes feeling awkward but luckily the rest of the members are there to help. Jackson and Mark make sure to the stir the attention away from the two whenever it shifts to them and after a couple of instances like these, the rest of the members join in. The moment Bambam discovers the plan he gangs up with Jackson and that's it. Game over. Nothing can stop those two and the rest of the filming goes by quick with no mistakes. After the boys thank the crew and exit back into the backstage the atmosphere changes. It becomes abnormally quiet. Jaebum and Youngjae are still avoiding each other and though that's nothing new, something's changed. Last time they avoided each other the air between them was tense and crackling but this time... This time it seems like the air has stopped. The air between them is at a standstill, almost waiting. It feels like at any time the air might turn into a stormy wind or an easy breeze. Even the members out of the loop feel it, which might be why the green room stays unusually quiet. Surprisingly this time Mark nor Jackson tries to diffuse the situation. Just like everyone else they stay quietly on their phones.

Jaebum knows he has to talk with Youngjae today. They can't push it forward anymore. They need to clear the air and figure things out. And if they can't come to an agreement... well, they at least need to be able to look at each other. Touch each other. Laugh together. They need to go back to the way they were before or they at least need to agree on acting like it. Jaebum's sure it's not gonna be easy. Frankly, he's not sure if he can do it, but he has no other choice. He has to.

11.05 pm

Jaebum lets out yet another sigh. It's been an hour since he asked Youngjae to come to the studio. He thought it would best to have this conversation here in his studio behind the somewhat soundproof walls away from prying ears. And if things go south Youngjae can escape the situation and go back to the dorm while Jaebum spends the night here. Jaebum wishes it doesn't come down to that but he doesn't want there to be any surprises. He'd rather be prepared for everything. Youngjae knocks on the door interrupting Jebum's thoughts. The leader turns on his chair to face the door as it opens.

"Hi", Youngjae greets with a careful tone as he hovers in the doorway.
"Hi", Jaebum greets with just as much uncertainty. Last night around this time they were walking outside shoulders brushing, tears of laughter in their eyes. And here they are now... Hesitantly Youngjae steps in and closes the door behind him. He sits on the sofa next to the door, facing Jaebum. Youngjae takes off his jacket and silence follows. Awkward silence. Suffocating silence.
As the older of the two and as the leader, Jaebum knows it's his responsibility to start the conversation. He clears his throat and Youngjae lifts his eyes up from the ground.

"So... I like you", the confession comes out easier than Jaebum thought. Despite knowing about it, Youngjae still gets flustered. His face flushes red and his eyes widen. In a confused state, he blurts out "I like you too." A silence follows, this time more confused than awkward. Jaebum clear his throat yet again.
"Yeah... So. What are we gonna do about... this?" he asks vaguely motioning between them. Youngjae swallows. He has been trying to think about the answer the entire day. He too, much like Jaebum, knew from the start they were going to have to talk as soon as possible. He has been thinking and thinking, desperately trying to find answers to literally any question. But after last night he has been unable to think clearly. His mind keeps throwing useless thoughts at him, not letting him see anything that could be of use.
"I don't know", he answers honestly with a quiet voice. Another awkward silence follows. Jaebum presses his eyes down to his hands. He plays with his sleeves as he tries to gather his thoughts.
"I guess we just have to.. get over it", Jaebum mumbles. Both of them know those are empty words. Words with absolutely no meaning. If it were that easy, they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. Youngjae presses his eyes down as something tugs at his heart painfully.
"I guess we just go on about our lives like we normally would. We stop avoiding each other, we stop being mad at each other, we stop being weird around each other. We're just gonna be.. friends. We're just gonna act like friends. We're gonna smile and laugh and hug and do everything just like we did before. We're gonna get over this and we're gonna go back to normal", Jaebum's voice grows quiet. Youngjae nods, desperately trying to keep his emotions in check. Jaebum clears his throat, again.
"On stage we're not gonna let our expressions slip and behind closed doors, we're gonna be decent and understanding of each other. Because we're gonna be fine. Because we're gonna get through this." Jaebum finishes with a determined tone, lifting his eyes up to mee Youngjae's. The silence between them calms down. It's no longer awkward or confused or scared, it just is. The two members look into each other's eyes with mixed emotions. Their hearts are beating in sync with their shared pain.

It's truly a horrible thing. To be this close and yet out of reach. Jaebum bites his teeth together as the ache in his heart spreads. The ache spreads from his chest to his ribs, all the way down to his legs and back up to his head. The ache settles itself deep into his bones and integrates itself into his cells. And as the ache moves further into his brain, Jaebum is not sure it will ever go away. He thinks he might be hunted by the ache for the rest of his life. Youngjae's eyes slowly fill up with tears as the realisation of everything he just lost fills him. He turns his eyes away from Jaebum's and closes them. He curses the gods, the fate and every single other higher being that dares to intervene in his life like this. But he can curse all he wants, he knows no one is listening. This is how it is. This is how it's going to be. Perhaps if he hadn't chosen this path, or perhaps if Jaebum hadn't, things would different. They could meet accidentally in different circumstances or maybe not meet at all. But here they are. They made their choices and this is where they lead them.
"I'll go first", Youngjae can hear his voice breaking as he lets the words out. Jaebum stays quiet. Youngjae takes his jacket and opens the door. He hesitates just long enough for Jaebum to notice but doesn't turn around. And as Youngjae steps out of the door and as his back disappears into the hallway, Jaebum can almost hear the way his heart breaks all over again.