In pieces | 2Jae

1, Only if you knew

12.00 am.

Jaebum lets his phone drop onto the bed next to him. He stares at the ceiling with mixed emotions.

It has been exactly 365 days since he realized he was in love with his two years younger bandmate Youngjae. Jaebum feels proud because he has managed to keep his feelings hidden for a year, he's also furious to notice he's still in love with him and most of all, he's sad because liking the younger one hurts so fucking much.

Jaebum glances to his side to see Jackson sleeping on the other side of their bed. From their debut to three months ago, Jaebum shared his room with Youngjae, but sleeping next to his crush was driving him mad and by the time Mark suggested mixing up the rooms, Jaebum was about to tear his own heart out to stop it from feeling. Unfortunately, no one beside him was particularly excited by Mark's idea, that being said only he and Mark switched.

In their early days, Jaebum and Youngjae would sleep on top of a blanket, after that they got a bed little smaller than a double bed and that's the one he's sharing with Jackson right now. There is no way Jaebum would let Youngjae sleep next to Mark in a bed this small, he was afraid he would die out of jealousy so he decided that Jackson was coming here instead of Jaebum going to Jackson. And well, the leader wanted his crush to sleep well and he was ready to give up a bed as long as Youngjae would be using it. He would gladly sleep uncomfortably if it meant Youngjae was happy.

So now, after a year of too little sleep, he finally got out of Youngjae's presence just to notice that he couldn't sleep any better than he could before. Just like three months ago, Jaebum is still laying in his bed his mind filled with worries and Youngjae.

He keeps thinking about Youngjae's smile, that adorable mole under his right eye, the way he sings high notes so effortlessly, the sound of his laugh... Jaebum grinds his teeth. First he spent many months thinking about Youngjae before realizing the reason for it, then he spent an entire year with those same fucking thoughts and after all that, Youngjae is still the only thing occupying his mind?! A surge of anger rushes through Jaebum and without thinking he slams his fist against the wall next to him. As the pain spreads all over his hand he lets out a long list of curse words before realizing there's a sleeping person next to him. Jaebum pushes his teeth together and keeps hissing.

He hates it! He hates his feelings, he hates Youngjae for being the target of them, he hates the way he has changed, he hates the way he's suffering and he absolutely despises himself for falling in love with the younger one!

Jaebum takes deep breaths and blinks away the tears of pain that appeared in his eyes. Still clutching his hand with the other one, Jaebum gets up from his bed and quietly exits their bedroom. The dorm is quiet and Jaebum makes his way into the kitchen and turns the light on. They have to leave home at 3.30 am so it's no wonder everyone is already sleeping. Well except for the leader of course... Jaebum examines his fist in the light just to see blood marks on his knuckles. With a sigh, he opens one of the kitchen cabinets and finds a cold pack. He breaks the pack and shakes it long in enough for it to turn cold, then he wraps a towel around it and presses it against his fist. He's most likely going to have a bruised hand tomorrow... Explaining the scabs on his knuckles and his bruised hand is going to be a pain in the ass. Jaebum curses himself to the lowest hell as he hits the wall behind him with his head a few times. He doesn't do it hard, just strong enough to feel something without making a loud banging noise.

Jaebum stands in the kitchen for many minutes, just staring at the wall without seeing anything, lost in his thoughts. At some point, he realizes his hand has turned colder than the cold pack and he throws the disposable thing away. Jaebum starts walking back to his room just to stop in the middle of the corridor. His eyes shift from his room to the room next to it and finally, he gives in. Quietly Jaebum opens the door to Mark's and Youngjae's room and steps inside. Immediately Jaebum's eyes fix onto the younger one of the two, and without hesitation, he walks over to him.

A gentle smile appears on the leader's lips as he looks at the sleeping beauty in front of him. The kitchen light shining through the open door is just enough to let Jaebum see the person he loves, just enough for him to admire all the features the other one possesses. His full lips so pink and kissable, his soft brown hair that makes you want to play with it, his jawline, those collarbones that are peeking out of the neckline of his shirt, Jaebum loves every single thing. He admires even the tiniest details, he looks at the little things nobody notices and he finds every single thing so mesmerizingly beautiful that he has to catch his breath and remind himself to breathe. Carefully he caresses the younger one's face and plants a kiss on his forehead. Then Jaebum walks to the door, giving the boy one last glance filled with pain.

"Only if you knew how much I love you Choi Young Jae, only if you knew", Jaebum whispers under his breath as he closes the door leaving his beloved and a part of his heart behind.

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A/N: Ok, admittedly not the best start but I swear it gets better. Like actually.