To Journey Alone

Lost...

Time ceased to exist.  There was no daylight, and the night seemingly never ended.  Numb and cold inside, the young woman stared blankly at the ornately decorated wall on the other side of the expansive room in which she sat.  To either side of her inert form sat a tall, dark-haired beauty and a ruggedly handsome young man with scruffy blond hair and brilliant, but sad, weary blue eyes.  Behind them stood two more imposing men who protected the grieving woman with the fiery red hair.  Soft chatter and conversation wafted throughout the viewing room of the funeral home where NCIS Special Agent, Peter Clayton Barringer was lyng in repose so that friends and colleagues could honor him and pay final respects before his interment at Los Angeles National Cemetery on Friday.   

NCIS Deputy Director in charge of the Office of Special Projects, Hetty Lange stood before NCIS Special Agent Jana MacBride and reached out for the agent's small, strong hands and took them into her own tiny ones.  Searching her agent's flat gaze, Hetty took her measure of her youngest agent and gave her a small, sympathetic smile.  Since her partner's death, MacBride hadn't utter two words to anyone; her pain and grief so powerful it had overcome any desire to interact in any way.  The urge to pulverize the murderous son of a bitch that took one of her agents so senselessly drove the tiny woman to exhaust every resource and asset at her disposal exponentially.  SecNav had given the Deputy Director cart-blanch orders to do what was necessary to bring Barringer's killer to justice. 

"Come with me, Miss MacBride."  Hetty urged gently. 

Standing to join Hetty, her fellow agents moved to join them, but were waved off by the small woman that led them. 

"We shall return shortly."  Hetty whispered to her other agents.  "I need you all to mingle with our guests instead of establishing a defensive perimeter."

Walking away from the main viewing room, Hetty and Jana found a small, private room down the hall that was out of immediate line of sight.  Sitting on a small couch, Hetty patted the seat next to her and urged her agent to join her. 

"Words can never soothe the pain and despair I am certain you're feeling, Jana."  Hetty began, noting tears threatening to overflow from her young agent's haunted green eyes.  "This is not the first time you lost a partner, is it?"

"No."  Jana's voice hoarse and barely above a whisper.  "But you already know that, don't you?"

"I wouldn't be worth my salt if I didn't know my agents so intimately."  Hetty replied.  "And you were in love with him, weren't you?"

"Which one, Hetty?"  Jana responded tartly.  "I loved them both.  I opened my heart and yet again, it's broken and there's not a damned thing I can do about that!  Explain to me how that happens to one person, Hetty!" 

Jana's anger emanated from her in hot, searing waves.  Hetty's gentle probing had its desired affect on the grief-stricken agent.  Hetty needed her agent to feel; to react; to get angry and lash out.  If Jana didn't, she would find herself lost in a vortex of despair that would never release her from its terrifying grasp.  Hetty sat in patient silence as Jana exploded.

"I am tired of burying family, Hetty!"  Jana yelled.  "I'm tired of all the insanity that my life has become...that I've chosen to live in!  Will there ever be an end to the pain and sadness that my life has become?  First, my parents, then Peter Collins, and now Clay!  I should have never, ever told Clay how I felt about him...how much I loved him, Hetty!  I did that with Peter and look what happened!  You'd think I'd learn the first time around!  Tell you what, though...never again, Hetty.  Never ever again!  I am DONE!!! "

No longer able to hold back the pain...the grief, Jana screamed in blackest rage before collapsing to the floor; her sobs shaking her slight form.  An instant later, Kensi, Deeks, Sam, and Callen burst through the doorway of the small room with weapons drawn, ready for a fight...which never materialized.