Sunshine and Secrets

Don't Waste It

Nico's POV

I was frozen in shock as I stared up at Will. His eyes filled with tears.

"Nico" He whispered "No..."

I looked down at my bloodied wrists and shoulders. I looked at the razor in my hand, stained red with my blood. I realized I was crying. I didn't care. I looked up at Will again.

"Will-"

"NO!" 

His sudden outburst surprised me.

"NICO, TALK TO ME! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Tears streamed down his face. 

"Will-I," I burrowed my head in my knees

"I'm so sorry." I began to sob.

"Nico-Nico look at me." I raised my head and tried not to meet his eyes. 

"You are going to come with me back to the bedroom, and I'm going to stitch you up, and then you are going to tell me what is going on. Is that okay with you?"

I nodded and stood up, before remembering that I was naked. I blushed a deep red and grabbed a towel from the towel rack. I tried to dry off quickly without touching my cuts, but I wasn't doing so well.

"It's okay," Will said. "It doesn't matter right now."

I nodded and wrapped the towel around my waist. 

~~~

"Ow." I winced as Will stitched up my bleeding wrist. We were both sitting crisscrossed on my bunk after we changed the sheets.

"Sorry."

"It's okay, it's-" I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"It's my fault anyway." I hung my head.

"Hey." Will put down his sutures for a second and lifted my chin so I was looking at him. I looked away bashfully.

"We still need to talk about that, okay? What happened that made you think you deserved that?" His tone was filled with concern, but when I saw his eyes, I saw they were full of fear and determination. This was a boy who cared what I did to myself. This was a boy that cared about me. 

"I had my suspicions that you were cutting, but when I came in your razor was..." Tears pooled in his eyes. I nodded.

"I-I don't deserve anything."

"What could you have possibly done for that to be true?"

"I-I couldn't-I didn't-" I sighed and hung my head. "Oh, Nico," I whispered to myself, "Bianca would be so disappointed."

"Bianca? Oh Nico you don't really believe that was your fault, do you?" Will asked. 

I stared up at him, tears streaking down my face.

"Well it's definitely not Percy's, is it?!" I yelled.

"Shh." Will gripped the back of my neck.

"Nico, listen to me. You didn't kill Bianca. Neither did Percy. She sacrificed herself. Not because she thought she had to. Not because she couldn't bear to take care of you anymore. She sacrificed herself so that the others could live and complete the quest so that you, and so many other young demigods, could grow up in a safer world. A world where gods can also be decent parents. A world where even immortal titans can be good. She wanted to help create that tomorrow, for all demigods. And look, she did it! She didn't die because of you, Nico. She died for you. Please don't waste it." His gaze was soft, yet pleading. I nodded.

"I-I won't." I managed before burrowing my head in my hands and breaking into a set of fresh sobs. Will merely smiled, a few stray tears falling from his eyes, and wrapped his warm arms around me.

We stayed like that for a while, but then I started to feel woozy. I lifted my head.

"Will," I sniffed, "You should probably finish that." I pointed to the half-stitched cut on my wrist that was still bleeding.

"Oh, shit! Sorry, Nico!"

"You don't need to apologize," I said. "I needed that." 

He finished stitching up the cuts and stood up.

"I should head back to my cabin." He said, yawning. The sun was just rising, but it was still pretty dark outside. Will began walking out the cabin door.

"Wait!" I caught his wrist. He looked back at me. 

"Yeah?"

"You're not going to tell anyone...are you?"

"Not without your permission, no. But I do think you should tell your sister, as well as Jason and Reyna. They have a right to know. Plus, I do have to put this down in the camp's medical records, under the self-harm sector. It's off-limits to campers and we medics never go through it, mostly out of respect for other camper's privacy, but we do discuss the numbers at camp and inter-camp meetings. If the numbers go up significantly at both camps, Chiron, and Reyna, and Frank will skim them to see if there are any common threads. I'm not sure about Camp Jupiter, but here..." He trailed off and shook his head sadly.

"Oh."

"Anyway, I have to sneak back before they realize  I'm gone."

"Will, one more thing?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Will smiled. Then he jogged out across the lawn to cabin seven, leaving me alone to stare at the rising sun from the doorway.

A/N Hey guys! Gods, this took me forever! Quick disclaimer that I am not trying to romanticize self-harm and if anyone here does self-harm, please try to hold on and know there are better days ahead, I believe that you are worth it! I know it's hard to open up to people, so that's why I am not going to be one of those people who say "talk to someone you trust about your issues!", but please do try to hold on a little longer. If not for yourself, for everyone who loves you so much and survives only by seeing your face every day. I encourage you to not self-harm, but if you really have to, please do so as safely as possible. 

If you're cutting, please stop, you don't deserve that and there are other ways to feel something, but if you can't stop, please don't cut your wrist. Cut a little at a time, and only shallow cuts. You can still feel that pain and cut safely at the same time.

 If you bruise yourself, please stop, you don't deserve that and there are other ways to feel something, but if you can't stop, and I mean if you really can't, don't hit your head or neck, and please don't hit yourself too hard. You can still feel that pain and bruise safely at the same time.

 If you starve yourself, you are so beautiful and I know you don't see it but I do, and so does everyone else around you, and you don't deserve that. But if you can't stop, if you really can't, please at least eat one meal a day, and don't push yourself too hard when you exercise. You can still feel pretty (even though you already are!) and starve safely at the same time.

 If you have suicidal thoughts, remember that you are worth it. If you don't feel that way to yourself, know that there is at least one person, if not more, in your life who loves you so much and can't be happy in a world without you in it. Don't leave them alone in this cruel and unforgiving world. You are not weak. You will not give up that easily. Prove to everyone who's ever doubted you, prove to yourself, that you are strong enough to not give up, that you are a fighter, and you are strong enough to fight through.

I love you guys. Stay healthy and stay safe.

Yours, Charlie