Finding out who I am - An autobiography

IV - Karachi

Throughout my life I made sure to keep Ma and Baba in mind. I made sure to remind myself of the mistake that they had made so I would never do what they had done. I was the result of their love and I was the one who was left out. I do not think a child should be in the position that I was in. Even though no one directly told me, I did not belong to the family. I could feel it. All the information I knew about my past was heard from the conversations of others. Ma was a Christian nurse and Baba was a Muslim lawyer. Whenever my parents were whispered about in our community, good things were hardly ever said. Interreligious marriage was rare as it was frowned upon. Despite this, Ma would still come to visit me. The visits became less frequent as I got older. When I was twelve years old, she came on her annual visit, but this time with a boy, her three-year-old son. Ma had got remarried. That is when I knew that she was done with fighting for me. Why did she even come back to see me? Who was I in her eyes? It did not matter anymore. She was making a new life for herself. She stopped visiting after that.

In the face of my troubles, I always thanked God. My family had given me a strong Christian foundation for which I was extremely thankful for. I thanked God for giving me shelter and a family that had taken me in under their responsibility. Even though Ma and Baba were not with me, I still prayed for their happiness and safety wherever they were. All my experiences enabled me to draw nearer to God. He provided me with the strength and support that I could not find in the worldly people around me. I was grateful that I had Daddy Ji who gave me his name and was proud to call me his daughter. I was also grateful for Ami and my siblings. I was blessed with such a big family.

Growing up as a young girl in Pakistan in the 1970s limited my dreams. I only wished for two things in my life. My first wish was to get married and when I did, I would not have to hide anything from my husband. We would be completely open with each other and I would tell him all about myself. I did not want to live another fake life surrounded by lies. I wanted to comfortably express my thoughts and emotions with someone I could trust. I wanted my husband to be someone who would be able to respect and understand me. I did not care whether or not he was rich or highly educated. I just wanted a simple life. My second wish was to meet Baba. He had been a man of mystery in my life. I hardly knew anything about him. I just wanted to see what he looked like. I was curious about everything. Where did he live? Did he speak to Ma? Did he remember me?