Finding out who I am - An autobiography

VIII - London

I moved back in with Bhaijan and his family and decided to stay with them for a while. My three nephews had become teenagers by then, so it was nice to see them again and catch up. Initially, I was unable to find any teaching jobs in the area, so I began working at a local post office. I did not have any ambition to study further. All I needed was a salary to support my family. Although I would have preferred it to come from teaching, I was not too fussed as life was alright.

To me, London was not the magical place that people described it as. Many people wanted to settle in London for the variety and range of opportunities, for the larger salaries and overall better standard of living. Although these things did not attract me, it was, in fact, Daddy Ji who encouraged me to make a life for myself in London. He knew that I would be able to progress more there than I would in Pakistan. I had limited myself because of the criticism of others; though Daddy Ji had always helped me to be optimistic. He always wanted what was best for me, even when I did not see it. Before deciding to move to the UK, I honestly did not see how my life would change if I moved. I would still be a teacher, still be with my family and still do the same activities. I was also extremely nervous. There would be obvious environmental changes such as less hassle when travelling to work and becoming more independent in my career. These new opportunities were exciting, yet I did not want to leave my parents because I did not know when I would see them again.

Owing to this, and because I had moved to London, it was time to tell Daddy Ji what I knew. I had known that I was not his biological daughter for most of my life, but hadn't found a good opportunity to tell him. What would I say? How would I say it? How would he react? My mind would always jump to the worst-case scenarios. Perhaps he would think that I was ungrateful or that I did not want to be part of the family. This was far from what I felt – in fact, quite the opposite. I could not be more thankful that Daddy Ji and Ami had given me a home when my own parents were struggling. I had been welcomed and treated like their own. I wrote a letter to him expressing all my thoughts. It had been really hard to keep them in all these years. I had grown up extremely grateful to be part of the family, but deep down knew that I had another family that I did not know much about. I was about to build a new life for myself in London, therefore, I did not want to bring any sadness or uncertainty with me.

Stamps, bills, parcels. The post office was always busy. Unlike nowadays (with everything online), most people came to the post office to deliver parcels, post letters and many elderly people came to collect their pensions. I had no complaints about this job; it was quite easy due to its repetitiveness. One day, a man walked in to buy stamps. He had brown eyes, smooth skin and a good head of black hair. He was polite and soft-spoken. I did not think much of our interaction until he came back the next day. And the next and the next. We began talking as friends and grew closer. This man was everything I had prayed about and asked for. He was caring, compassionate and understanding. He was perfect for me. Going into my new life, I did not want to hide anything, so I told him everything about me. I told him my story. I did not know what response to expect. Would he be confused? Would he not like me anymore? To my surprise, it brought him to tears which also made me cry. Since I had the courage to tell him all about my life, it made him have even more respect for me. I was overjoyed to have found my life partner.

We got married in the winter of 2000. The church was magnificent with its high ceiling and beautiful stained-glass windows. This was the day I had been dreaming about my whole life. In the short space of two months, we managed to arrange everything. I would not say that I was a fussy bride. My family helped a lot with the arrangements. It was difficult to find a wedding dress, as most brides often experience. I liked the sleeves from one dress, the back of another and the material of another. My fiancé was in the fashion industry and so he – thoughtfully – designed my wedding dress. It was perfect. It had just the right amount of silk and lace, the train was not too long and the neckline was not too low. As I remember, the day went smoothly. Daddy Ji was there to walk me down the aisle. I was so nervous yet excited. I was about to begin my new life. Bhaijan, Baji and my younger brother helped out with everything, for which I was extremely grateful.