Finding out who I am - An autobiography

VII - Pakistan

Daddy Ji's ministry was going very well in Dubai. Jacob was a member of the congregation there. He got married and moved to Pakistan where he worked in the British embassy in Islamabad. He and his wife lived in Rawalpindi, which was not too far from the embassy. So, I went to live with Jacob until my visa application was processed. I planned to stay for only a month, but ended up staying for three months. At first, I think they were a bit overwhelmed as his wife, Amelia, was pregnant – however, I turned out to be quite helpful to them. I helped Amelia with the cooking and cleaning, went with her to doctor's appointments and just provided some nice conversation. During my stay, I received a letter saying that my visa application had been rejected. I was so disappointed. I could not go to do my BA in London. Despite this, I stayed with Jacob and Amelia until their baby boy, Brandon, was born. Jacob said I was just like his sister and that I was Brandon's real phupho (aunt on father's side). I received so much love while staying with them. I did not feel that I was a burden to them at all. They had become family to me.

Shortly afterwards, I went back to Karachi. I stayed with my uncle (Ami's brother) and aunt for two years because I was not able to get a visa to go back to Dubai to be with my parents. This was when I finally decided to get my BA degree. To pay for private tuition fees, I began working at a local primary school. In doing so, I managed to complete the two-year course within one year and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree at the age of twenty-five. Even though my studies were quite tough, I had a great time staying with my aunt and uncle. They supported me a lot. I always felt very close to my extended family because they treated me as one of their own. I had walked through the door and had fit right in with the rest of them.

After a few months, my parents moved back to Lahore from Dubai. I had finished my degree, so I, too, decided to go back to Lahore. I took up a job at a Christian school and also kept busy with various church activities, such as leading the Sunday school at the church that Daddy Ji had recently built and was running. I noticed that some children were not able to read the Bible or write simple sentences. They came from families that could not afford to send them to school. So, Daddy Ji and I decided to start free evening classes for these children. We hired a local school classroom to teach the five children who came. With two other teachers, I taught maths, English and Urdu. Our pupils were quite fast learners and it made me so proud to see their progress. After a year, our little tuition class grew to fifty pupils, aged five to eleven, who were from our Sunday school and the local community. I continued to financially support the tuition centre, and it was such a blessing to see the children go on to achieve what they wanted to. Some of them became pastors, teachers and nurses.

When I was twenty-nine years old, I got engaged. I was so happy as I was getting closer to being able to fulfil my wishes. However, after only a week, my engagement was broken off due to family issues. Nobody ever told me the full reason why it had not worked out and I never asked. If this was not what God had planned, then that was okay. One of my aunts was talking about my engagement with me and she said, without warning, "Do you think they found out that you are not Daddy Ji and Ami's daughter?" I froze. No one had ever openly talked about my past with me. No one. I quickly replied "No" and ran into the kitchen. I was almost thirty years old and had learned to accept how I had ended up with my family. I was no longer angry, sad or nervous. My aunt did not mean anything by her question, yet when she mentioned it, I was a bit embarrassed. I did not see the need to talk about my biological parents or their previous situation. What happened had happened and I was fine with that. I did not know Baba. I knew that Ma had begun a new life, which I hoped was going well for her.

A week later my aunt and I were out shopping. She said to me "Did you know your mum lives around here? Let's go and visit her." I did not think much of it. I was actually a little excited to see how Ma's life was. I was happy with how my life was going. I always prayed for happiness upon Ma and her new family. I was not a part of her life anymore, but that was fine. I had learnt to accept this and had moved on. Upon arrival at Ma's house, my first thought was that Ma was living a good life because her house was so big. It had cream marble flooring with green walls and numerous shiny vases filled with huge floral bouquets. In that moment I was also a little nervous. After all, this was my Ma. She walked down the stairs and greeted us. There were a few tears as Ma and I had not seen each other since I was twelve years old. I did not say much. Instead, Ma took the time to explain her previous situation with Baba. She had kept her distance from me, all these years, because she did not want to create drama. I had a new family and she had hers. Our visit to Ma's house was brief, but it was nice to see her again.

After the matters of my broken engagement had settled down in our house, Daddy Ji suggested that I should go back to London. He said that I would be able to make a better life for myself there, but I did not want to go. Daddy Ji always wanted the best for me – as he wanted for all his children. He never wanted me to stay at home and just do the housework. He never wanted me to be a stereotypical woman living in Pakistan in the 90s. Daddy Ji was a big advocate for independence; to build your own life and do good in the world and so he convinced me to move to London.