She & Him

Part 45: The End of The Beginning

If you'd've told me when I was younger that there would be a point in my life where I would feel indescribable pain due to Hermione Granger: I would have laughed in your face and told you to piss off.

Sitting on a bench in Queen's Park- I stare off into space as the April mists rise from the ground and evaporate with the morning sun.

I sat here all night...

Since I left Hermione's home at 8:29- to now: I've sat and stared at the same small puddle on the pavement in front of me.

Maybe I was irrational- calling social services to have Leo taken away.

But my emotions were all over the place that I could barely recognize what was happening for real and what was being made up in my sick- twisted  psychotic mind.

Well- you have no one to blame but yourself, Mate.

Looking next to me, Blaise lounges back against the bench and cross his right leg over his left.

"Yeah...I know." I say and he rolls his eyes.

Nah- I don't think you do. You see- you coulda worked it out. Coulda come to some kind of understandin' with her- but you didn't. Why's that?

"Because I'm a useless git- who deserves less than life itself."

Enough with ya depressing dramatics. You fucked up, Malfoy and now you gotta fix it.

"What's the point?"

Because you love her.

"Do I? Maybe I clung to her because it was easier than finding someone else. Maybe that's why she did it as well. Circumstantial events put us together." I get up and begin walking down the misty walk and ahead of me, Blaise appears leaning against a tree.

You know what you're real problem is? You don't love yourself, Mate. If you can't love yourself- how the hell you expect to love someone else?

"Shut up and leave me alone." I pass him and make my way to the Thames.

All your life you got what you wanted and it meant nothing to ya. Correct? Always looking for a reason to off yourself. Always looking for someone to pull you back from the razor blade in your hand.

"Why don't you get to the point and then leave me be?"

Ever wonder why it felt so good laying next to Hermione?

"She was a warm body. That's all." I mindlessly drone and he rolls his eyes.

She made you feel alive for the first time in your life. Gave you a purpose. Have you a reason to want to wake up every morning.

"Thank you Dumbledore for that inspiring inquiry."

You messed up, Mate- but that doesn't mean you can't make it right. You just need to take the right step forward.

"We both know I was never one for cleaning up messes and I won't start now." Pushing through him, I make my way in front of Big Ben and the clock tower chimes the arrival of 7:00.

She was hurting. She was raped by Weasley. Her mind was in a dark place, Mate. Give her a break for say she didn't want kids.

"I don't care what state she was in. She lied to me well before that."

And you lied too.

I stop in my tracks and look at my friend leaning against the railing over looking the river.

"I didn't. I have never lied to her."

You said you would be happy with just you and her. You said she was all you needed in life- and that wasn't true. Not in the slightest. It upset you- her saying she didn't want kids. You sat in that bathroom for ten minutes cursing her for saying so. Letting the frustration and fear of losing her ear at you- so you made a rash, stupid decision and look what happened.