She & Him

Part 49: Truths

Bea showed me everything in her pensive.

All the horrible memories of mine she removed.

All the years of depression.

All the petty arguments.

I thought she simply took the recent- but she took more than she probably should.

What she left behind- was fragmented. Little truths about my past with Hermione and removed the self doubt and self loathing from the present.

As a result- she gave me the insight that at the heart of me- I am just a child who grew up too fast and never had the chance to express or discover my true nature.

She lifted the veil of confusion and presented me with what little worth and happiness I had.

I was angry with her at first- but quickly I realized that all the anger and frustration that I harbored inside me from childhood to now- was all brought on by the family pressure of being a "pure" Malfoy. The only pure happiness I had in all my life was brought in from being around Hermione most recently. She exposed and broke down the brick walls around my shriveled up unloved heart. A heart that once made me believe her love was a farce due to never really knowing what love was.

Today, I wanted to re-emerge in her life as who- way deep down, buried and never knowing life- I am.

It hurt seeing her two worst fears being myself and our child.

Yet I have always been a monster- haven't I? Clouded by a world of money, greed and darkness.

So standing here- in front of her now- I feel maybe I found my purpose after all.

Or maybe not.

"I racked my brain yesterday- wondering what I did to make you hate me so horribly." I say softly and she shakes and shivers as she holds herself defensively. "I honestly didn't know because...well...because I had Bea Obliviate me so I wouldn't fear hurting you any more. So I wouldn't fear that you never loved me. She took more than I bargained for. Memories I long since forgotten. Memories that probably created my monster out ways in the first place...but she did it so the Boggarts would leave me be. They haunted me horribly and it got to the point where Bea had no choice but to strip away everything I once feared. I'm not lying when I tell you I don't remember...at least not on my own. Yesterday after the hospital- I made Bea show me what had happened and I feel retched as I should. I'm sorry Hermione...for everything."

Her walls slowly deconstruct themselves as she allows her arms to drop slightly from around her waist.

"I thought maybe it was circumstantial...how I felt about you. I thought maybe we fell for each other because- why not? But Hermione...that's not the case... for me at least. I really do love you and for the first time ever- it makes sense to me. I don't feel like the coins waiting to flip- like one day I'll wake up and go back to hating you or trying to find a reason to get you to loathe me. This me...this person standing before you- is who I am truly. And I regret having to take as long as I did to figure it out."

"You're telling the truth...aren't you?" She meekly asks as she takes a step forward.

"I am. I won't lie to you, Hermione Granger. Never again. I love you and I'm praying that maybe there's still a chance you feel the same way for me." Wiping her eyes and sniffing back tears, she holds herself loosely and thinks quietly to herself for a few moments.

"I want to believe you....I really do...but I don't know if I can. I don't know...if after everything we've been through- I'm able to just...and I know it's not fair." Inwardly my lungs collapse and I try so hard not to let devastation take over me and put me back in the horrible place I was.