Finding the memories 『𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜』

Chapter One

*one year later*

You pulled your car into the avengers compound after another unsuccessful date. As soon as you told a guy you had a son they bolted. It had been the same for the past year. Your dad had built a huge compound for the avengers team which was where you now lived with your son, George and the avengers. Every attempt over the past year to recover the Winter Soldier from HYDRA had been unsuccessful, and over time you had given up hope. You still thought about Bucky, everyday. And it broke your heart when George would ask about him, but you told him about Bucky as you knew him, because he wasn’t the Winter Soldier, he was the most loving, sweetest, kindest and beautiful man you’d ever met.

You shut your room door behind you and kicked off your heels before sitting on your bed and trying not to cry. Hearing a knock on the door you wiped the tears from your eyes and stood up, “It’s open,” you said, starting to take out your earrings.

“George fell asleep on the sofa,” said Nat, “How was your date?” without Nat your life would probably have been a mess, she was the best aunt to George. He was just learning to speak of course so he had a lot of questions, a lot of them about Bucky. And even though it had been a year and a half it still hurt, there was a part of you that would always be missing if you never found Bucky. But Nat always found a way to dodge the difficult questions and would try and distract him when you were crying, which was a lot nowadays. She was the best friend you could ask for.

“Ran when I told him about George,” you sat back down on the bed, “I never thought this would be my life,” you had expected that Bucky would be here, the father that George needed in his life. Not only was it that George didn’t have a dad, Bucky had most likely been brainwashed a million times by now, forgetting the fact that he had a son and forgetting you. He had missed George’s first words, his first steps and every milestone along the way and it killed a part of you because he would never have those things to remember.

“He doesn’t deserve you anyway,” said Nat, “You okay?” you knew everyone was concerned for you, you could tell when they looked at you.

“No,” you said, “I don’t think I ever will be without Bucky, but I have to be, so I’ll pretend,” you’d gotten good at pretending, after all it had been a year and a half without Bucky. There had been missions to get him back but each one failed, and each time the hope inside of you left, leaving you with nothing but an ache in your chest.

“God I’m sorry,” said Nat, “You don’t deserve this Y/n, you really don’t,”

“I’m gonna go check on George okay,” you said, preferring to avoid any more questions about your feelings, “Thanks for watching him,”

“Anytime,” said Nat, you went out into the living room.

George was asleep on the sofa and you pulled a throw over him. He stirred as you kissed the top of his head. “Mommy?” he said softly, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. His eyes were piercing blue and he had chestnut brown hair like Bucky. He was the light of your life, without him you would have had nothing left. He was your reason to get up in the morning.

“Yeah sweetie,” you said, “Is everything okay?”

“Remember when Peter let me play nerf guns,” said George sleepily, Peter had been like an older brother to George, now that he was an official avenger as Spiderman, you knew George looked up to him. He was very lucky to be surrounded by the avengers, they were good role models, and he looked up to them. You were lucky to have them as your family. You felt like you weren’t doing this totally alone.

“Yeah,” you said, unsure of where he was going.

“Can I have a brother to play nerf guns with?” he said, “I promise I’ll be good,” tears welled in your eyes. You knew he hadn’t meant anything by it but it still broke your heart, you thought you were doing good as a parent. Of course you knew there could be a possibility of him not having a father figure in his life at all, but he did have Steve, Tony and Sam.

“Hey George,” said Steve from behind you, “Do you want some cookies?” your son immediately ran off the couch and over to Steve who took him to the kitchen. They’d been amazing to you, and you knew that you wouldn’t be able to dodge George’s questions forever. Steve looked over to you from where he was searching for cookies and smiled at you.

After putting George to sleep in the room next door, you went into your room and shut the door. You took off the uncomfortably tight dress and put on one of Steve’s shirts. Everything of Bucky’s had been destroyed when the missile had hit Stark Tower. It felt like a lifetime ago when you had been proposed to, but you could still picture it vividly. You sent Bucky’s phone a message, you had everyday. A part of you knew he would never see them but you had been doing it for so long you didn’t want to stop. Hey Bucky, I miss you still, I’m at the avengers compound. George is fine, he has your eyes, one day I hope you’ll be able to meet him, I love you lots, Y/n xx you shut off your phone and climbed into bed, letting the tears you’d been holding back escape your eyes before drifting off into sleep.

Bucky POV:

I looked at the locket in my hand, it was gold and looked expensive and it was beautiful. The thing that confused me most was the picture inside. A beautiful woman had her arm around me, and she was smiling, and so was I. Snow was stuck to my hair and I had my arm around her. I wish I could remember who this woman was, she was so beautiful, but my memory had been wiped over a thousand times. At first I had thought she was a woman I dated, but surely not, who would ever want to date me?

I hid the locket in my shirt as I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. I didn’t want to fight anymore, everytime I picked up a gun my heart sank a little, like I was disappointing someone. It was a weird feeling that I’d never had before and I wish I could explain it. There was a time I hadn’t been with HYDRA, I remembered that much, but the only thing I could remember was the amount of people I’d killed, every single person flashed in my mind. I wish I could remember who that woman was, she seemed as if she cared about me, which confused me more, because who could ever love me?