Finding the memories 『𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜』

Chapter Ten

Bucky POV:

Y/n had fallen asleep on my chest halfway through the movie, her arms wrapped around me. Her soft breathing was comforting. I didn't want to fall asleep and have a nightmare, I didn't want her to see that part of me. I was still surprised she was this close to me, I had been an assassin for years, tortured and broken. In pain. Yet she still managed to fall in love with me despite all of that. I was extremely lucky to have her.

I wanted to tell her that I loved her. She wouldn't hear me, because she was asleep. But as I opened my mouth to say it, I stopped. I couldn't do that to her. Not again. I told her I loved her before and look how far that got me. I wrapped my arms protectively around her, but when I rested my hand on her waist her body tensed up. I hadn't meant to make her feel uncomfortable, I would never do anything to hurt her or make her scared of me. When I moved my hand she began to shake. "Y/n," I whispered softly. I wanted to be there for her, but I didn't know whether it was me who was scaring her. "Y/n, Y/n," I continued to whisper, hoping she would wake up. She moved her head to rest on my shoulder and a tear slipped down her cheek. I was so worried. Another tear. "Y/n," I said louder, I didn't want her to feel pain, I didn't want her to be hurting. I wanted to protect her. I would do anything for her.

She woke up suddenly next to me. Her hair was frizzy and her eyes red. "Did you?" she said quietly, close to tears. I wasn't sure what she meant. Had I triggered her nightmare? I hoped not, I really hoped not. Had I comforted her? I'd done an awful job at it. Who just sits there and whispers someone's name when they're crying in their sleep? I can't believe I ever even thought about telling Y/n that I loved her. I wasn't ready to be a boyfriend. I was a horrible person.

"Buck are you okay?" she said quietly. I hadn't noticed the tear that had slipped down my cheek as my mind tortured me. She ran her hands through my hair, tucking the stray strands behind my ear. "You don't have to hide from me," she said. She was definitely going to say something else but she stopped.

"You had a nightmare?" I managed to stutter out. She looked away from me. Her body turned away from me suddenly. What if I had made her uncomfortable?

"Yes," she said, "But I'm okay, I promise," she stood up and smiled at me quickly. "I'm just going to check on George," she left the room, and left me with my thoughts. I wondered if she still loved me. I don't know what it feels like to fall out of love. I just forgot her. Maybe that's why she was so closed off about her nightmares. Or maybe it was because they were about me, unless they weren't. I had just assumed. Either way I wasn't going to force her to talk. I should probably just stay away from her for a few days. Unless that sends the wrong message. Here the nerves were again.

I waited for her to come back. Soon enough I heard her soft footsteps coming up the hallway. My heart jumped. I wanted to tell her I loved her, I want her to know that. I would be there for her and George, no matter what. But I couldn't keep that promise. I couldn't promise that HYDRA wouldn't be back, thinking about them sent shivers up my spine. It was true, all the same.

Y/n POV:

Bucky asking about the nightmares had broken your heart. If he knew that it was his face, his tortured soul, that haunted you every night he wouldn't forgive himself. He was already having trouble processing the fact he'd just left you and given you false hope that he would find you. So instead you promised him that you were okay. The hope that the more time you spent with him, the less painful the nightmares would become.

"Wanna finish the movie?" you asked, coming back into the living room. You looked over to where Bucky was reading one of George's picture books and your heart melted. He was trying to be the best dad to him and it was the most adorable thing you'd ever witnessed. There were no memories of Bucky holding George when he was first born, or helping him walk as he took his first steps or smiling proudly as he said his first words and started stringing together sentences. But these memories, of him and George growing closer together, they would be the most irreplaceable ones. Every memory of Bucky, every memory of George. You cherished them. Family was important. You had Tony, but you wished you'd made more of an effort to find your mom. Then you find the avengers and they became your family, everything you'd ever wished for. And then Bucky. The love of your life. Your soulmate. Then George, you were lucky. You had everything you ever needed.

"Sure," he said, looking over to you, a smile on his face. He was so adorable. Seeing him and George together had always made you think of the time when you almost went searching for your mom. What if you'd made a mistake forgetting about her? If she really cared wouldn't she come back for you. For the past five years, you'd tried to forget. But seeing Bucky come back for George. What if you could have that?

Shoving the thoughts to the back of your mind, yet again, you sat down next to Bucky. He immediately wrapped his metal arm around you. You knew that it was the thing he was most insecure about, but you loved it because it made, well him. Maybe it did symbolise everything he'd done wrong, but it also showed everything he was doing to make it right.

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When you woke up, the early morning November sun streaming through the windows and a frost on the grass outside, Bucky still had his arms wrapped around you. His warm body breathing slowly. You were so glad neither you nor him had woken up from a nightmare. He didn't need to see that part of you, that was what you wanted to keep hidden away. And you had absolutely no idea how much worse his nightmares were, but you would help him make them easier, you knew that much.

Untangling yourself from him, you straightened out your hair and wrapped a blanket around Bucky's shoulders so he wouldn't get cold. You almost told him you loved him. But you didn't. Maybe you should've done. At least he would've known. Hopefully he will.

Authors Note ❤️: Omg that part was adorable to write. I have so many cute date ideas coming so yeah. I've also had inspiration for a seb stan x reader so if you guys would be interested in reading that let me know, obviously I'll still focus on this because I love writing it so much. Thank you all for reading 💞