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"He slipped on puke?" I clap my hand over my mouth in a fit of laughter. "Babe, come on. You're joking."
"Swear to god," Connor says in between his fits of laughter. We're on facetime and he's telling me about how this guy in his med school slipped on puke during one of their internal medicine rotations. We're both allowed to make fun of this guy because he's a royal dick to Con, and has tried asking me out way too many times. "Karma is such a bitch."
"Hey, did I tell you that I had to convince Ron not to throw her wedding in Vegas?" I tell him, recounting. "She was fully prepared to have an Elvis impersonator officiate her wedding."
"Sounds about right," He says with a laugh, running his hands through his hair as he falls back on the bed. "I'm guessing she's looking for a big party wedding."
I smile. He even knows my best friend to the T. "You can take the girl out of the party, but not the party out of the girl."
"What about eloping? Or some destination wedding?" He suggests. "I feel like she's not dying for some big traditional wedding. She'd be so down for a group of us, her dad and Caleb's parents to go to Ibiza or something honestly and get married on a beach and then party at some club."
"Wait, that's a sick idea, babe. Wow, I'm gonna tell her that. She'd be so down and she won't even need to drop a ton of money on a wedding," I say. "Even I'm into that."
"Yeah, yeah, but not for us," He warns. "We're doing the whole actual wedding thing."
I laugh softly. "Yeah, in the fall, on the beach, keeping it small," I repeat, like we've discussed a thousand times.
I've always wanted to get married. I never imagined I'd be one of those people that just has a partner for the rest of their life, which no disrespect to people who do that, but it's just not for me. I don't mind talking about it with Connor sometimes, when the talk is harmless, but when it gets real is when I get nervous.
"You know, we could get engaged now and have a wedding in the fall and be done with this shit," He says jokingly, but my heart sinks. His jokes probably aren't jokes to him.
"Actually, I think we should talk about something, Con," I say, clearing my throat. "I want to be transparent with you because I feel like I haven't been in the past few weeks."
He sits up attentively. "Okay, what's going on?"
"Well, I told you that I saw Greyson a few weeks ago and got closure, but that wasn't really the whole story. I mean, it was at first, but then it turned out not to be," I say. I go on to explain the series of events that went on after my first run-in with Greyson -- the subsequent breakdown, meeting him at the bar, the huge blowup, the confusion I've been feeling, pretty much everything. I leave out the book because I feel weird thinking he could go out and buy it. Then he would be reading all the intimate details of our relationship and that's too much for me to deal with right now.
"I don't want you to think I'm breaking up with you or anything, or that this is me saying I'm still madly in love with Greyson and can't be with you. That's not it at all because you know I love you wholeheartedly," I explain, watching his reactions closely. "But seeing him made me feel like I was back at square one. Like I was experiencing that heartbreak from seven years ago all over again, and now I'm just feeling very confused because I love you to death, but I'm wondering if a part of me still loves him too if everything has me feeling this way."
His demeanor remains calm and he thinks for a few moments before responding. "I think it's clear that you still love him, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. He was the first guy to show you what real love is so I feel like he'll always be a part of you. I think I'd just like to know why you're confused. Do you still-" He stops, unsure of how to continue. "Do you still want him? Do you want to be with him?"
"No, I don't. He broke me-I couldn't be with him, I don't think-I don't know. It would be different," I explain, although my words aren't very convincing.
For the first time in a long time, Connor looks hurt. My words pained him and that makes me immediately regret saying them. Hurting Connor is the worst thing I could ever do. "I don't know how to explain it, Connor."
"I know, but from what it sounds like, you still have feelings for him. Feelings that you want to act on," I watch his dark blue eyes carefully. They look sad more than anything. Like he's been waiting for this moment for six years.
"That's not-no, that's not true. I don't want to act on those feelings, if they even exist. I love you completely, Connor and I'm not willing to trade you for Greyson," I explain firmly. "But the reason I'm having this conversation with you is because we promised that we would always be honest with each other, and right now I'm confused and I feel lost. There's just so much going on right now with Greyson, and this art program, and you, and thinking about marriage because trust me, I get it. I don't want to wait forever to get married either. Everything is just piling up and I'm so-I'm just-I'm so confused. I'm-"
"Hey, hey, Joey. Calm down. You're triggering your panic attacks by getting overwhelmed like this," He says. I try to breathe, but I can't. I want to be back in his arms and back in San Diego. "We're going to figure it out, you know. The whole art thing, whether it means me doing med school in New York or doing long-distance for a year. We can figure that out, but I can't help you figure out your feelings for Greyson."
"I know that."
I can't even really look at him right now, I'm too scared to. "All I can say is that I love you and I want to be with you. And I'm going to be honest with you, hearing what you said about Greyson, it hurts," I force myself to look at him and it's all right there on his face. The pain is right there on his face. "It really does hurt to hear you say that, and I'm not blaming you for that. You're being honest with me and I appreciate that, but I want you to know that it hurts and I need you to figure your feelings out, Joey. If not for yourself, then for me. Please," He asks.
"I've been in love with you since the day I met you and for years, I've helped you work through the pain that he has caused you, but I have to be honest with you, I'm not sure how much longer I can wait," He says to me, and my heart falls out of my chest. "I love you, god, I love you so fucking much, Joey and I would give you the world if I could, but I'm not willing to share your heart. If you want to be with me, I can't be sharing your heart with another guy. I can't be thinking in the back of my mind that you might leave me for him at any given moment."
"Connor, I wouldn't-"
"Joey, baby. You're not being honest with yourself about your feelings, I can tell. I'm not mad at you, really. But I can't go on like this forever, so I'm asking you to please figure out how you feel," He says to me, and even with the blurry camera quality, I notice the tears in his eyes. "I'm ready to marry you any day now, but if your heart belongs to somebody else, you gotta just be real with me here. If you love me at all, please just take the time and figure it out."
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i'm hella focusing on self care rn bc i'm trying to have a hot girl summer so rlly i don't have time for ppls bullshit i'm on my own wavelength just thought i'd share
