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I pull away from the kiss, my eyes still closed, unsure of how to say what I need to say. "You're going back to him, aren't you?" Greyson asks, taking the words right out of my mouth.
He always knows what I'm going to say before I even say it.
I open my eyes and look at him, thinking of all the things I wish I could say right now.
I wish I could tell him that I don't love Connor more. Or that his kiss sent electricity to my toes like it used to. I wish I could say that looking into his eyes right now, I feel butterflies. That I want to spend the rest of my days in his arms, talking about all the shit we used to talk about. That we're still the same people we were in high school, still trouble and Mary, hopelessly in love with each other. I wish this were all simple and clear cut -- that I am still in love with Greyson Wild and nothing can come in between us.
But it's simply not true.
Not anymore. Now when I look at him, I feel pain. Pain that he caused me, pain that we caused each other, pain that I am causing Connor by being here with him. I look at him and I remember our good memories, the love and the laughs and the cigarettes that we shared, but I look at him and keep thinking to myself that it's not enough.
He is not the broken bad boy I fell in love with in high school and I am not the damaged lost girl he fell for either.
"It's not us anymore, Greyson," I tell him plainly. "I knew it when I came in here, and kissing you, it's not the same. It's-it's painful for me. You broke my heart, and I fell for someone else and it would be the biggest mistake of my life to let him to go."
I expect him to be mad at me, to tell me I'm wrong, maybe even to kiss me again and try to prove me wrong, but he doesn't. He just says, "I know that you're right, but why does it hurt so much?"
I reaches up to hold his face in my hand for a moment. "Because we love each other. Because we helped each other heal wounds that no one should ever have. Because we understand each other without speaking," I say to him softly because it's true. All of it, but so is the reality of the situation. "But we also fell apart, and we fell for new people. We fell for new people that love us in different ways, that make us better people, that push us to be better in ways that we could never have together. We fell apart, Greyson and once you fall apart, it's not easy to come back together."
"Timing is a bitch," He says to me sadly. "But you're right, we had our time together and at that point in time, we were right for each other. Had everything not happened the way it did, I'm sure we would have been married by now, but it did happen. I was young and scared, I made a choice and that choice led you to fall in love with someone new, it led both of us to fall in love with new people. I'm sorry for that."
I smile at him because he no longer has to apologize. I've spent this whole trip in anger and misery for what he did to me, but truly, I should thank him. "Don't apologize, Greyson. I realize now that I've been mad at you for leaving me, but I shouldn't be. I love Connor and I couldn't really imagine my life without him, and it was wrong of me to say you should have come back. I wouldn't trade Connor for the world, and I know you couldn't leave Taylor. She is the girl you are supposed to spend your life."
"I'm glad you found Connor. You really deserve only the best and he makes you happy," He says to me sincerely. "You know when I saw you with him all those years ago, you were beaming. He makes you shine, Jo so don't let him get away." I quickly grab Greyson and pull him to me and hugging him tightly. He reciprocates immediately, squeezing me tightly and not letting go.
So there we are. Greyson and Jo. 25 instead of 16.
Sitting on the floor of his apartment, hugging for a long while. I already know that I'm crying, but I feel Greyson's tears through my shirt and I clutch him tighter.
This boy was my first real good love. He made me believe in love again. He brought me back to life. He saw something in me and I saw something in him, and we were perfect for each other at that time. We were what we each needed at the time. And now what I need is Connor and what he needs is Taylor.
I finally break the silence but not the hug. "Sometimes you get what you need in life, not what you think you want," I tell him as we finally pull away. "We're doing the right thing, Grey. The best thing we could do for each other is let each other go, and the fact that we can shows how much we've both changed. We have grown so much."
Letting the person you love go and realizing that you are better without them -- that's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
"You saved my life, Jo. You know that?" He says, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
I smile softly and wipe the tears from his. "No, you saved mine."
We both slowly get up and I head over to grab my things. I already booked my flights before coming here, I knew what was going to happen here. He helps me into my jacket and I turn to face him to see him smiling.
"You know that I'm happy for you, right?" I say, watching his brown eyes closely. "You found an amazing girl and I'm so fucking happy for you, Greyson Wild. Don't let her go."
"I won't. I promise."
I raise an eyebrow jokingly. "Promise, huh?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm keeping my promise this time."
"I'll believe it when I see an invite to the wedding," I tell him and I watch him smile, taking a mental picture of it. "But really Greyson, just because we're letting each other go, doesn't mean we really have to let each other go. You're always going to be a part of my life."
"We always find our way back to each other, don't we? Some habits are just harder to break than others," He says, squeezing my cheeks and walking me to the door. "Don't abandon your art, Jo. If you can make me one promise, promise me that."
I hug him tightly one last time. "I promise," I say, before looking deep into his dark brown eyes one last time. "I love you, Greyson Wild."
"I love you too, Johanna Spencer."
And then I'm gone. It's no longer me and Greyson. It's no longer a battle I have to fight between my heart and my mind. I know what I want. I know who I want.
Now it's time for me to finally be happy.
* * * * *
short and tragic chap lmaoooo sorry babes but more still to come
