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Time feels like it's moving at the speed of light lately. One second I was in my bed in San Diego with my boyfriend and here I am in New York, mere days away from finishing a trial art program and being featured in a gallery show.
It feels surreal to say the least. It also feels daunting as hell because it means I'm only days away from being forced to make a decision about my life. A big one. A decision that up until this point, I'd been somehow able to avoid. But it has not been without a fair amount of pain and challenges that I've had to deal with but also that I have forced other to deal with.
My biggest fear once I ran into Greyson was that I would somehow hurt Connor in the process of trying to understand my feelings. I have unfortunately now hurt Connor, myself and still have no understanding of my feelings. My call with Connor the other week broke me into pieces. I've said it a thousand times that the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt Connor.
I'm not the same girl I was in high school.
I used to be so inconsiderate of how my actions affected others, but I made such a deliberate effort here to be wary of how my feelings and actions would affect Connor. I can't help how I feel, I'm human. There's nothing I can possibly do to make certain feelings disappear, although you cannot imagine how much I wish I had the ability to do so. But I've been so deliberate and purposeful not to let Connor in on my indecisiveness while also staying honest with him as I have been for the long span of our relationship.
Yet I still managed to hurt him. I still managed to cause him pain.
Hearing his voice the other day on the call — that shit broke me. He looked done. I know he's not done, we've spoken some since, and Connor wouldn't give up so easily, but I could tell he's heading in that direction. I sensed it back before I left for New York and I sensed it on that call. He's tired of waiting for me to come around, understandably, but now that Greyson has been brought into the mix, he sounds so over it.
Connor isn't really a sensitive guy, he's very direct about his feelings and he isn't easily bothered. He's probably the poster child of being unbothered. Nothing fazes him, literally nothing, but he's somehow incredibly aware and sensitive to others feelings and others around him. Imagine that. Not being sensitive at all, but being so understanding for those that are.
I love him. I know that I love him. That has never ever been the issue. Not even when it came to marrying him. It's just this stupid fucking fear of mine.
The hurt that I've experienced is hurt that no one should ever have to experience. With Logan, the abuse, my parents neglect, a psychotic ex-boyfriend that brought my abusive ex to me, and what I used to think was the love of my life up and leaving me after making promises he said he would never break.
When I think of love, I think of pain. I think of hurt. I think of neglect. I think of abuse. I think of heartbreak. And I think of empty promises.
Making a lifelong commitment is fucking terrifying for me now. I barely trust myself so how am I supposed to trust anybody else? And finding Greyson again has thrown me way off track. Like way off track.
I can't even fucking admit to myself that I might still have feelings for him. Feelings mean a part of my heart might belong to somebody other than Connor. It might belong to the guy I thought I would marry all those years ago. To the guy that put himself right back in my life with this art program and his book and him being in the right place at the right time all the damn time. To the guy that wrote a fucking book about me saying that he came back and that he will never stop loving me.
FUCK.
That's all I have to say about this. Fuck.
I'm in dire need of some caffeine. Once I leave my hotel, I find myself aimlessly wandering around the surrounding blocks of the city until I come upon the coffee shop Greyson first took me too. That deserves another fuck.
They did have great lattes though.
I seat myself and order the same latte as last time from the same waitress that smiled at Greyson like she wished she could be with him. I bet many girls smile at him like that. Not that it really matters, he's engaged. It's not like I'm jealous of him getting with a thousand different girls, I'm jealous he can be with just one. More than that, I'm jealous that he can be engaged while I'm struggling so much.
He seems so unfazed by my being here. Well, maybe unfazed isn't the right word. He clearly cares that I'm here, and he's made some kind of effort to get in my good graces and to apologize. But, I guess what's bothering me is that seeing him has seriously messed with my head in so many ways, but I feel like when he looks at me, all he sees is an old girlfriend. It's almost like writing that book just ended his feelings for me.
Now I'm just Jo to him. A girl he once loved.
I wonder how he explained it all honestly. To his fiance -- Taylor, I believe is her name. How did he explain that book to her when they started dating?
Oh hey, I'm Greyson and I wrote a book about an old girlfriend where I wrote that I would never love anybody as much as her.
He clearly does love her more than me so I guess it couldn't have been that much of an issue in their relationship. Still, I wonder how he explained it, or even how he explained me. It was complicated enough trying to explain the entirety of me and Greyson's relationship to Connor, I can't imagine adding that book to the mix.
When I told Connor about Greyson, it wasn't a one explanation kind of thing. I mean, dating Connor was really hard for me in the beginning and that had everything to do with Greyson so my explanations started off small. At first, Grey was just a guy that left me too heartbroken to open up to Connor, but slowly, as I came to trust Connor, I gave the story a little more substance until he knew everything. From the cigarette breaks to the journal he wrote about me and all the way to the day he left me.
But I feel like the story is easier to tell when you're not the bad guy. I wonder what he said to her, if he made himself out to be the good guy, or if he downplayed our relationship altogether.
See what I mean? No closure. None whatsoever.
The guy who caused the wounds managed to rip them right back open.
So many questions and no answers.
"Johanna?" I'm pulled out of my thoughts as I look up and stare at the woman in front of me. She's in a dark blue pantsuit that matches her dark piercing blue eyes. She looks professional. "Johanna Spencer?"
"Uh, yeah," I reply confused. "I'm sorry do I know you?" I ask with a smile.
She smiles softly and a bit nervously, although she looks like the kind of person that has never been nervous a day in her life. She looks too confident and fierce to be smiling nervously at me. "No, you don't. I'm uh-I'm Taylor White," She responds and then a bulge forms in my throat.
"I'm Greyson Wild's fiance."
* * * * *
bet u didnt expect to meet her huhhhhhh ;)
meant to update on monday but i caught a stomach virus and been throwing up my guts all week, twas no fun at all
