Where It Stays | J. POTTER [1]

17 | goodbyes

"I tried, I'm sorry," Lily apologized to the boys. "I don't think she's going to come out. At least not yet."

"This whole girls can go into the guys dorms but guys can't go into the girls dorm is really starting to piss me off," James announced, his legs bouncing up and down anxiously. He looked up at Lily pleadingly, "Try again?"

"She's tried enough times," Remus pointed out, "Just give Maya time. She'll be out when she's ready."

"Is she mad?" James asked Lily.

"Not at you guys, no."

"At Regulus?" Sirius inquired.

Lily frowned, "More like herself."

-

Flash of green. Silver hand. Red eyes. Snake.

The images had been flooding her mind all day and they wouldn't go away. Happy Birthday to me, she thought to herself bitterly.

When they had first started, she was convinced that they weren't real. Only the more they happened, the more real they had felt. But that wasn't possible because they were all alive and she had no clue who the red eyes belonged to.

After finding out that Regulus was the one who had ended things with her and not James, she had stayed in her room.

How was she supposed to face him after that? She didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt even though he asked to explain multiple times.

Had she let him explain, things wouldn't be so complicated.

"They're gone," Lily announced and Maya looked up. "Are you sure you don't want to talk to them?"

"I'm positive," she nodded, standing up out of her bed. "I just need to discuss something with the Headmaster and then I'll figure out what to do."

"Professor Dumbeldore?" she asked in confusion, "What about?"

"It's best that you don't know," Maya pointed out before leaving the girl in their room alone.

"Professor Dumbeldore," Maya greeted and the man turned around to face her in confusion, "We need to talk."

-

Maya entered the Gryffindor common room through the portrait to find James sitting on the couch. He turned to look at who had entered and appeared surprised to find her standing there.

"Maya," he spoke, standing up from his seat, "Are you alright?"

She smiled at him, "I'm fine."

He scanned over her face, "You don't look fine."

"I think..." she trailed off for a moment, her eyebrows furrowing in thought, "I think my biggest problem with what I thought you had said to me was that a part of me wasn't surprised. It wouldn't have surprised me if you had told me that you had decided you wanted Lily the whole time. And that can't be how this works."

He seemed to grow confused at this and he opened his mouth to say something but she shook her head quickly, continuing before he could say anything that would make her change her mind.

"You deserve so much, James. You deserve someone who can give you all of them and trust you with everything they have. And I love you, I do. I promise I do. But I can't be the person you deserve and it's time I let you go because I've been holding onto you and that's not fair to you," she closed her eyes for a moment, trying her best not to look at him. She knew that if she looked at him she would take it all back but she needed to do this. "Because while you were exactly what I needed, it never occurred to me that I wasn't what you needed."

"That's not true," he shook his head, "I need you. I've always needed you. I'm everything I am because of you."

Maya looked up at him for the first time since she knew what she was going to have to do. She ignored the flash of the image that appeared in her head. She took a step toward him and raised her hand to the side of his face, "You are who you are because of you, James. You are wholeheartedly good. You are the best person I have ever met and you made me believe that maybe, just maybe, I could've been good too."

"Then be good," he pleaded, placing his hand over hers, "Be good."

"I spent pretty much my entire life doing everything in my power to keep Sirius safe," Maya explained. "And then I came here with him and somehow I had three more boys to protect along with Regulus and Sirius. That is what I'll continue to do, even if it means giving up a part of myself."

He shook his head, "You don't have to do that. Please, don't do that."

"Protecting you is not something I can ever not do," she informed him, her thumb brushing gently over his cheek and he pressed his face into her hand, "Just remember that, okay? Remember I'm protecting you."

She dropped her hand, and glanced behind her, "I have to go."

And that was the last James Potter had seen of the girl. Because she had indeed left. She never returned to Hogwarts the following year or the year after that. And then he joined the Order along with his friends and Lily, who had become exactly what he had wanted for his first four years attending school. Exactly what he had wanted before Maya had become everything to him and more.

And despite everything, he never stopped loving her. He never would. All he could do is push it down and try and forget. Forget that the love of his life was a Death Eater. Forget that the only reason she was there in the first place was because she had thought that's what she had needed to do to protect everyone she cared about. Forget that he was one of those people. Forget her. But he couldn't and he never would.