Accidentally yours

Into total darkness

/Madisyn/

I sat on the tile floor of my bathroom balancing the bottle of pills in my palm.
I'd already taken two for my headache.
Well maybe one or three more won't hurt....
I felt a chill run down my spine as I thought the dark demented thoughts that were fighting to break through the barrier of light I was trying desperately to keep up.
I threw the bottle at the wall and buried my face in my hands.
I didn't want to go back to before. I had to try, despite everything I did, to stop the demons from clawing their way back to the surface.
I looked at the small scar on my wrist and sighed. I just could not go back into the darkness.
I took a deep breath and tried to get back to my usual self.
Come on be happy. smile. be peppy. happy. think happy thoughts. rainbows. unicorns. sunshine. anything
Nothing worked. I stood up and looked at my disheveled appearance in the mirror. I was a wreck. I had fallen in love and I crashed and burned. I fell and this is why I never wanted to feel love or anything again. it just never ended well for people like me.
High school nerds never got the guy. hell they never got anything.
Tears burned my eyes and stained my cheeks. I pushed my hair out of my face and tried to calm down.
A grim look settled on my face as I picked up the bottle of pills off the floor.
I gulped down all my terror as I unscrewed the lid with a shaky hand.
I held the two pills in my hand and just stared at them.
I poured more into the palm of my hand and brought them to my lips.
My hands were shaking and my tears were streaming down my face.
I couldn't find the strength to do it.
I fell to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried. I was still holding onto the bottle.
I took a few more deep breaths and reached for the edge of the sink.
I was going to do it. I wasn't going to keep this charade up any longer.
With a shaky hand and closed eyes, I brought the pills to my mouth.
I screamed when a hand gripped my arm and the pills tumbled out of my hand. My eyes opened wide with a little terror in them.
"Don't even think about it." Harry's rough voice said, sounding worried.
He brought his hands down to hold mine and looked at me desperately trying to figure out why I would do such a thing.
He pulled me into his chest as my tears burst into sobbing.
"Im sorry harry please don't tell Liam or zayn!" I said crying.
He ran his fingers through my tangled blonde hair and pressed his lips to my head.
"Don't worry love, you're safe now and I won't let anyone or anything hurt you. and I won't tell Liam or zayn." he said
Either the universe had something against me or just pure karma, Liam burst through the door eyes wide.
"Madi! I heard you crying are you oka-"
He stopped when he saw all the pills and harry.
His eyes widened even more and he looked pale. he started shaking and his hands were balled up into fist.
"Madisyn! You said you'd never do this ever again. ever! Yet your up here trying to kill yourself!? How many times do I have to save you again before you'll wake up and smell the fucking roses!? MADI YOU NEED TO STOP! Do I need to drag you back to rehab cause I sure as hell will!" He said sounding furious.
Harry glared at him as I cried harder into harry's chest.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Was all I could manage between sobs.
"Liam if you want to keep all your teeth and limbs I suggest you either go back downstairs or leave." harry said through clenched teeth.
A furious Liam looked between me and harry and stomped away.
sobbing and shaking I clung to harry for dear fucking life.
I don't know what came over me to try and kill myself again...
I remember the first time. how could I forget. its engraved in my head for an eternity. a really fucked up eternity.

*****FLASHBACK******

I sat on the edge of the tub watching the Crimson blood drip down the side of my arm. I needed to stop soon. Liam was coming over to study and I'd have to clean up before he got here.
It's been almost a month since Haleigh died and I didn't have the courage to tell Liam how much it had affected me.
After our kiss it was magical. I was okay. for a while.
People started whispering and giving us strange looks, it was like we were cousins who had gotten married or grown three heads.
All of it got to me eventually and I started cutting. I hated myself even more. but the night I tried to overdose was especially memorable.
After I cleaned up the bathroom I heard Liam's loud voice travel up to my room. he must be in the hall. I thought as I hurried to throw on a hoodie to cover my marks. I put on my mask and pretended I was okay.
"Hey." Liam said walking through the door.
He kissed my cheek and pulled me in for a hug.
"Hi." I said blushing.
"Shall we get to studying?" He asked.
I smiled and took his hand, "we shall."
After studying we watched some tv and ate Chinese.
"So how are you?" He asked. his usual happy expression was now serious.
"Oh I'm fine." I said, my voice faltering.
He raised his eyebrow. "really now?"
I faked a laugh. "yes really."
He smiled and shook his head. "well if you aren't you can always talk to me okay?"
I smiled. "okay."
"Okay."
"Okay."
We laughed. "maybe okay will be our always." I said laughing.
"Stop flirting with me hazel grace!" He said laughing.
"Since when do you watch the fault in our stars?!" I said surprised.
"No never have I ever! I just read the book that's it!" He said raising his hands up in surrender.
"Did you cry?" I asked smirking.
He laughed. "uh no actually I didn't."
I raised an eyebrow.
"Okay fine I did."
We both laughed.
My phone rang so I excused myself and went to the kitchen.
"Hello?" I said curious as to why someone would call at such a late hour.
"Hello this is dr. McAndrews , from momsen point hospital. may I speak to mrs.reece?"
My voice cracked a little, "um she's not here but I'm her daughter. is everything alright?" I heard a sigh and then he continued.
"I'm afraid not. ms. Reece, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but your father was brought in a few hours ago and it appears he had been drinking and we found traces of vertigo in his system. he was unconscious when we got him to surgery. I'm so sorry but he didn't make it. he overdosed and we tried our best to clear his system of all the drugs and alcohol but we were too late. I'm so sorry for your loss."
And then the line went dead. all I could hear was my shallow breathing and my increasing heartbeat.
"No no no no! It couldn't be true! He promised!" I felt the tears stream down my face as I sat on the floor crying.
"M you okay?" Liam said running to me.
I shook my head and he pulled me into his lap.
"What is it? You can trust me." he said as he wiped my tears.
"My dad- he- he- he's dead!" I said sobbing now.
Liam hugged me to his chest and kissed my head. "it's going to be okay. calm down. I'm here. shhhhh. don't cry love it's going to be okay."
"No Liam it's not! It's not going to be okay!" I said trying to get away.
"Madi stop! Look at me. it's going to be okay!" Liam said grabbing my exposed wrist.
I tried to pull away but it was too late, he saw. he saw what I did to myself. he let go and covered his mouth.
I ran upstairs and locked myself in my mothers bathroom. I sat on the cold, white tile and cried.
Liam was banging on the door yelling and it sounded like he was crying.
I had to end it all. I didn't want to live in a world like this. it was too much for my frail little self.
I opened the cabinet and rummaged through my mothers medicine and pills.
My fingers brushed aside a few bottles which tumbled out of the cabinet and landed at my feet.
I surveyed it quickly and unscrewed the lid. I counted almost 40. that would be enough to take 10 and look like nothing was taken.
I read the label and saw it was her antidepressants.
I poured a few into my hand and paused. it was quiet, except for my breathing. what happened to Liam and his crying.
I pushed the thought away and brought the pills to my mouth.
This was it I would end it and be happy.
I swallowed them all and felt myself falling. I hit the tile and laughed. I thought I heard Liam yelling but I didn't remember.
I felt light and happy.
Until my head felt as if It was about to explode.
The banging was back and everything went dark. I heard something shatter and then I felt the soft texture of a pillow. it felt like I was drowning. but I don't remember going swimming. how odd.
I think it's time for bed. I'm kinda tired.
I felt my heavy eyes slowly shut and then I heard the faint sounds of sirens.

*****END OF FLASHBACK*******