The Way I Chose

Positive Is Not Always Good

My eyes open, and my head is throbbing, I look at my clock and it is 4:46 am. My dad is luckily awake because he had to go to the washroom. I tell him I don't feel the best, and that I am in pain. He tells me I am scheduled for a doctors appointment later today and I feel a little relieved. Over the past few days he has been noticing me more and taking an interest in my life because I've been happy, and actually out of the house. I'm glad he is caring for me for once. I ask him if I can stay home from school and he lets me, he is off to work in two hours anyway. So I lay back down in bed, thinking, relaxing, letting my thoughts and dreams take over.
I text Shane saying I won't be coming to school today, and that I have a doctors appointment. He gets my message right away, so he must have not been able to sleep and he asks if he can come because I say my dad isn't coming. I agree to let him tag along, he is after all a great friend and a good person to have around.

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We walk into the clinic and wait for my turn to be examined. The doctor asks me how I'm feeling, and I tell him honestly that I'm not that great. He asks what's been going on with my life, like most doctors ask, just to be polite because they probably don't care much.
After a couple x-Rays and tests the doctor returns.
"It's positive" he stares at me waiting for my reaction.
"Wait, what is positive?" I am worried, what could possibly be wrong.
"Miss, you seem to have breast cancer." He looks worried for my sake, I am just a young girl.
"What? That can't be." I look down, I am scared, why would this happen?
"What? Oh." Shane puts his hand on my back and rubs it gently, intentionally to calm me down. He looks just as devastated as I do.
"I'm sad to inform you, Draya, that it is not extremely serious, and we do not yet know the outcome. We will find a cure as soon as possible." I am shocked, no words can describe how I'm feeling.
We leave the clinic with as much information as we could get from the doctor. I realize I should call my dad, so he is informed right away.
I dial his number, once we enter the car.
"Dad," I sniffle.

"Yes, Draya?"
"Dad, the doctor said I have breast cancer. I don't know what to do." I tear up, and the salty drops fall from my eyes. I can tell he knows I'm crying, he is breathing short, quick breathes as if his heart stopped and he is trying to process it.
"It's okay Draya, we will figure something out." He assures me.

Shane takes me home and I tell him I just want to be alone for now. He tells me he will pray for me, and that reminds me about God.
I run to my bedroom after he drops me off and I fill up my pillow with tears. Why would God do this to me? Why would he give me such a burden, just as I come to know him! I thought he loved me! I am crying out to my entire house, luckily no one is home. All I can understand is that I don't understand! The main question I have for God is, why?

After hours of sulking, and crying I get up from my bed and look in my mirror like I always do when I feel hurt. I compare my inside to my outside, my feelings to outward emotions, my hurts, to the cruelness of this world. I pour out my deepest thoughts, desires and nightmares in front of this mirror. But instead of letting them take control, I close my red, hurting eyes and fold my shaky hands. I pray as I was taught;
"Almighty God, and Father. You are the creator of heaven and Earth. Your compassionate love has been here for eternity and all I can do is thank you greatly for it and for everything else you have blessed me with. I have everything I need, yet a lot of people do not, and I shouldn't complain, but I am sinful and I need you to answer me. Please help me stay strong, I was taught that you had a purpose for everything and I am desperately trying to leave it in your hands, yet I am devastated at the news. Please help that it may go well. I am scared and I need you, I need you, and Shane, and my father and mother to be there for me. This is all I ask of you, in your name alone, Amen"
I open my eyes, and stay sitting cross legged in front of the mirror. My mirror used to bring darkness, but I hope it brings light.

I get a phone call later that day on the treatment that I must undergo for my cancer. It is hard to believe I have it, and I hope God is with those other people who are suffering too. I am notified that my surgery will be performed in two days and I will stay in the hospital for further treatment. I am thankful that the doctors have found a treatment for me so fast.
I do not tell my classmates about this, it would be another reason for them to hurt me, and I don't need that. Shane comes over often, because I've just stayed home from school and we just talk, talk about whatever we want, I think his intention was to make me smile to get my condition off my mind, and it was working. I do wonder if we will ever be more then friends, if I survive the cancer I have and get through the treatment quickly. I wonder what will happen. But I have to be strong and fight so I can find out.