The Way I Chose

Deep Deep Down

I have no words, would anyone else? Three words couldn't hurt me that much could they? Well, yes. My mind starts racing and thoughts scramble. No, keep the thought deep down, don't let it out, don't let anything out. Be cool, number one rule. Second rule, don't get mad, Third rule, count to ten. Easy enough! 1...2...3...4...5...6... Nope. I want it all out.
Everything was just fine and dandy and he spills and crushes the moment with news that I did not want to hear, especially right now! How could this even happen? It's going to all fall apart including me. I'll be a puddle of molasses on the ground when he leaves and I won't know what to do with myself. Most of all I will be broken straight to the core. My heart will fall once again down a dark chasm filled with sorrowful waters and lakes of fire burning right through my soul, attacking my thoughts and eating away all hope of the future. Can my life get any sadder?

I snap myself back to reality and listen to the wind dance across the leaves. I try to keep a poker face after I struggle to keep tears in from how shocked I was. I can't say anything, do anything except look at him, brows furrowed and shaking my head trying not to believe it. I tell myself it's not true but deep, deep, deep down its the cold, hard truth. I don't know what's worse right now, when I had received my cancer news, been bullied for most of my life, ignored and hated on, or this. I've heard of many people being able to coupe with long distance but at the moment it tears me apart even thinking about it. A long distance relationship? Wait, are we even a couple? I start stuttering and my left eye twitches frantically. My hands start shaking again and I can only hope he'll speak before I fall to the ground. I wait a long moment trying hard not to think about anything. Anything at all, nothing. I want no thoughts to ruin me. But no thoughts creates more thoughts and more questions and more doubts and concerns and... and. I grab my head and shake it till I'm getting dizzy. I don't care what he thinks or anyone watching thinks, I need to stop over thinking everything. I close my eyes which adds to the dizziness now hoping I will collapse on the grass and be taken to the hospital where I won't have to deal with this situation and ignore it the best I can.
"D, stop." Shane looks worried and he puts both his hands on my arms and pulls them away from my head. He holds my wrists in his hands and tightens his grip and feels my pulse. He wants me to calm down, I am calm, relaxed, all that good stuff. The breeze is pretty, the birds are beautiful. But I can't keep lying to myself. I am not angry, not sad, not depressed, is there even a word for how I'm feeling? I mutter a few mumbles of mixed words and gibberish. I let myself bark at him like a dog hoping to get some answers from him but I know he won't be able to answer.
"You... you can't just say what you said, and... and say this afterward? It just doesn't make sense! Why are you toying with me? With my emotions? Why didn't you tell me before? Did you not want to hurt me? Because I can really feel the pain now!" I pant from throwing out all of my questions at him and he down-right deserves to deal with them now. Whatever sass I have inside me, will come out if something doesn't happen to stop it.
"Draya, I am trying to figure it out. Please calm down. I know it hard. It was when I heard it too. We've got a few months and we will make the best of them." He intertwines his fingers in mine and squeezes mine tight, trying to reassure me. I work to slow my heart beats. I breathe in through my nose, exhale through my mouth and let my eyes fall. Why? My head clears all thoughts but this one. I wanted to clear my head before but was not able to. I breathe slowly and look down at our hands and he brushes my hair out of my face.
"It'll be alright, D. We will be okay. I will make sure of it. And I won't forget you if that's what your thinking." It's true, I was thinking that. He could easily find some other girl, some Christian girl whose known the religion all her life and they'd be just perfect. But I don't know what God has planned and so I should leave it to him. I should trust God with my challenges and he will always have a path for me to take.

I relax when I think of the comfort that it's in Gods hands. I must always be reminded of this. I should never forget this and try hard not to. I look up at Shane and stare into his gray eyes, his sparkling gray irises and wandering pupil that reflects the trees behind us. I see my eye in his reflection also. He is looking into mine as well and it's a cherish-able, special moment, for me, for him, for us.

If I could describe a perfect love story, it would start with this. I do wish my life was a fairytale. The bumps in the road are barely anything to worry about when I watch them in movies. But that's not reality. I smile a straight, pretty smile and he does the same. I don't even know what's going to happen, but I'm going to miss him when he moves, even when he just goes home today. I've never had feelings for someone so strong and so very precious as the ones I have for him. It'll be a tough road, but as quoted, "if you really love someone, set them free, and if they return, it was meant to be."