The Way I Chose

When I Wake

I remember this morning as if it was a dream. Was it only? Was it just a figment of my imagination? My eyes open the slightest but are too heavy for me to hold open. I let them fall and I am swallowed by my dreams.

I see Shane playing the piano and I'm beside him, leaning against his shoulder. It was cute then, and is still cute to watch. We are singing Amazing Grace together. A beautiful song about God's amazing grace. The scene shifts and I watch a body lying still in a raised hospital bed. Eyes closed, skin pale, but not dead. A boy sits beside the bed holding the girls cold, pale hand. His gray eyes sparkled when they reflect the light shining through the window. His dark brown hair swept over his forehead, but he just stared at her. Shane, staring at me, watching me sleep when I was in the hospital. My hair spread out across the top of the pillow. I hadn't lost my hair because they treated my cancer as soon as they could. Before I could finish the thought the scene changed again.

I watch the brush fly through the air and smash against the mirror. The memories of sorrows and sadness flew out of the scattered glass, out of my life, a past I will never forget but won't let haunt me.
I have seen these scenes more than once, have dreamed them more than once. But I will just remember, they're just reminders of the past so I can learn and be happy in the present and let God decide my future. Gods will, over mans will.

I see Shane, bags and luggage beside him, tears streaming down his face, being watched by his parents. I see me in his embrace. My knuckles as white as the snow falling around us. Goodbyes. This is not a memory. This is a future 'Goodbye' that will hurt me more than anything.
I do not believe in visions of the future except under Gods will. I know I am imagining this because I know it will come too soon. The nights till he leaves are decreasing and time doesn't stop. The days we spent together are shorter and the 'Goodbye' draws closer. Will I see him again before I break? Will I break? God won't let me. God will be by my side. If it's meant to be, distance won't change a thing we have.
I continue to watch us hug, tears streaming down our eyes. This is a dream, but I'm still crying inside it. My cheeks will be damp when I wake. When I wake.
Wake.
Wake!
"Wake up!"

I jolted awake and my body went into panic mode. I shrieked and curled into a ball before almost falling over on the floor. I put my hands to my face and felt the salty liquid that covered my cheeks. I look up at Shane who was holding on to me so I wouldn't crumple to the floor. He was worried, just by the expression on his face I could tell. I must've looked terrible. He pulled me close to him again.
"Are. You. Alright?" Slowly and gently the words slipped from his lips. He wiped the tears away from my face.
"I am now." I didn't look at him, but I know he smiled a little at the corner of his mouth. I snuggled up against his warm body and leaned my face in his shoulder.
"Do you hate goodbyes?" The words fell softly from my mouth. A sincere question that I should know the answer too. I looked up at his eyes, then hair, then lips. But I looked down and rested my back against the couch. He took longer to respond then I thought but I was patient.
"I do hate goodbyes." He sighed and turned toward me. "But, only when I have to leave the people I love behind."
He placed his forehead against mine and looked at my eyes. His stare was hard, almost like he was trying to look straight through me. Past every lie, secret, story, dream that ever was planted into my mind and just look at me for me. Looking at who I really am. I did the same. Then, he kissed me. He kissed me with his warm, soft lips. His pressed against mine sent a shock of electricity through me. A bolt of energy to keep me alive and awake. The kiss was deep, overwhelming and made me feel special. My eyes were closed but they teared up. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his wrapped around my waist. We sat on the couch in my living room, alone. It was the best feeling I've felt with him. Have I wanted to kiss him this badly? It ended sooner than I'd hoped for but we were gasping for air. Our lungs inhaling and exhaling faster than ever before. He placed his hands on my cheeks and pulled my head toward his chest. He kissed my forehead, and I knew I was his and he would never leave me no matter how far away he was.
At this point, I didn't know what to do so I hugged and leaned against him tightly, as if I was claiming him as my own. No matter what we will make what we have work. No matter how far, how long we're apart. No matter the situation, and no worries, doubts. We trust each other, more importantly, we trust God to plan our path. The sense of comfort, of that comfort is worth the world to me.
While I lay against Shane, I hum a song that I didn't recognize until he began to sing to the melody I was making. A soft and gentle song of comfort that soothes the soul, anxiety, worries. I continued to hum because I had lost the lyrics in my mind. The distraction of my thoughts carried the words away but Shane continued and they all had meaning. Everything is meaningless, except with God. Ecclesiastes is my favourite book in the Bible. This part of the Bible speaks about the meaninglessness of life when God is not part of it. The book of Ecclesiastes teaches that there is a time for everything under the sun. Everything will happen in its time, in God's time.
God sent us on this earth to be his servants and to spread the gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ. We were sent to influence others, to show them our stories and to show through our actions and deeds that we have true faith. A faith that is sure and Shane taught me to know it. I realize my whole word has changed. My parents, my life, actions, style, thoughts, deeds, and that I pray. I pray now to the one True God. Who is my Father, who has sent His Son to die for us, and His Spirit to dwell within us. All one God, all three individual parts. Trinity, Triune, and True.

"Amen."