Hindsight

1/1/21

L,

13 more days.

Today was rougher than most for some reason. I lied to a friend saying I was busy because I didn't want to leave the house. I felt like shit mentally and physically all day. I think it was from getting overstimulated at my mom's house yesterday. I though my debit card number was stolen again, but turns out I'm just stupid. Of course, this is not new information.

My head hurts.

I went to see boyfriend today. It went okay, but it was complicated. We tried to talk, but it felt weird. He asked me if I was okay and I said no, so he asked me what he could do to make me feel better and I asked for a hug. And we hugged and then I started crying. It was crazy. I'm so scared that our relationship has run its course. We seem to be in this rut that we can't get out of and it's all my fault. We have been in this state of limbo for months now.

I don't know what to do.

I love him and I want to be with him. I know this. But I feel like I've fucked it up beyond fixing at this point. I'm terrified of losing him. But that isn't all... It gets worse. I don't know if I'm sexually attracted to him anymore. I used to be, but ever since the first time we tried to do anything and I had a breakdown, I don't feel that way towards him anymore.

But I still love him.

I don't know if it will be like this forever or if the sexual attraction will come back at some point, but I feel like I'm hurting him by keeping him from sex. I don't understand why my mind is completely blocking me off from the idea of being intimate with my boyfriend. What is wrong with me? I don't know anymore. I just want this to stop. It hurts a lot.

I made Z some art.

It's vent art with glitter. I took out my emotions on colourful paper. It was a hell of a clean up, and I'm sure I'll never be able to completely get rid of the glitter in my house now, but I felt better after I was finished. Z said it was self care. I don't entirely disagree with that. I texted boyfriend afterward, but he hasn't answered yet.

The voices were all over the place.

Kevin was conflicted. He wanted to be upset with me for making such a huge mess, but at the same time it was the only thing that had made me feel better in a long time. In the end, he just let it slide as long as I promised to clean everything up afterwards. I did. Kiddie had a field day. They love glitter and had so much fun making random shit with me. I'm glad I could make them happier as well. They've been having a hard time recently too.

I'm missing you a lot.

I wake up in the mornings (or more accurately most of the time at 2 in the fucking afternoon) and immediately check my phone for anything from you or about you updating me on your safety. I was very happy when we disclosed the fact that we are in fact together now. I was confused before. But, to be honest, I feel kind of like I forced you to develop feelings for me solely because I was so pushy with my feelings for you.

But I love you.

I just got a message from you. My heart stops every time I do. My sexuality is kind of fucked, though. I can't exactly be a gay man if I am in a relationship with a woman, now can I? I don't know what I am anymore. I don't know about pronouns either. Well, I know that I like and use he/him, but I also don't hate they/them. I don't know if I'm a he/him afab person or a he/they afab person. I guess I still have time to decide. I know I'm not she/her though, and that is the only thing I'm sure about.

Just a little bit longer.

My head hurts and I'm very sleepy, so I'm going to attempt to get some sleep. I hope you get some too. I'm giving Z their art before work tomorrow. Stay safe, you're so close.

I love you.

L