Hindsight

12/16/20

L,

I think I'm getting somewhere.

I don't know if I write to you planning for you to see it or because it's how I cope. Maybe both. Maybe neither. I don't know, but I'm doing it.

It feels alien.

I recorded myself talking to no one yesterday. I mostly talked about things I wish I had done differently to protect you. I tried to talk about it in detail, but every time I did my brain shut down and I would dissociate for awhile. I guess I needed to say everything that was in my head and not just write it down. It helped some. Well, the parts that I remember recording. I was really weird and shy and awkward about it, as if this shitty smartphone camera is going to judge me for all the things that I was saying to it.

I try to keep going.

I said that I wanted to apologise to you. For dumping my trauma on you, for being that annoying guy at work, for forcing you to develop feelings for me, for constantly nagging you about my relationship, for messing up so bad that I got you caught, for everything I've ever done that hurt you in any capacity. I'm sorry.

It's not okay.

Z told me that you were cracking jokes the whole time the pigs were with you. You're far braver than I ever will be. Z also told me that the cops thought me and P were really weird and that I was an annoying little shit. And yeah, I was. I fucking regret nothing. I was an absolute ASSHOLE to thoss damn pigs. I kind of wish I had been meaner. I'm glad I got under their skin like that.

It's not enough.

We're formulating a plan to get you back. Me, P, Z, and N that is. I've been keeping up with the stuff I forgot to return to you. I semi-fixed up one of your backpacks and am slowly putting all of your remaining items into it.

It's still raw.

It still hurts when I wake up alone. I can't seem to take off your hoodie or deflate the mattress. Z had a class with you today, but you weren't there. That worries me more. Z checked the roster and said that you're still enrolled, so we think that means S and C haven't pulled you from school. I'm still scared though. I don't know if I have a reason to be this distraught over it. I mean, you're the one that was literally taken by pigs and brought back to an abusive home.

I'm so tired.

In every way. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I'm just drained. Not knowing you're safe and doing okay is killing me. Not knowing if I'll ever see you again is killing me. Not knowing anything about your safety or whereabouts is killing me. It's all just so painful. It hurts a lot. The not knowing. Or knowing barely enough to write a sentence about.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, love. You deserve better. I love you and I know that you can get through this. You're so strong and kind and funny and beautiful and you make me smile every day when I think of you. You're going to be okay. We will come get you back soon enough. I promise.

I love you.

- L