Hindsight

1/5/21

L,

I'm currently laying in the dark sobbing my eyes out over boyfriend again.

I can't fucking function. I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I've dug us into this giant hole, but it feels like every attempt I make at trying to get us out of it just forces us deeper into darkness.

I'm so afraid, love.

I'm afraid I pushed him to the limits. I'm afraid that I've asked too much of him. I'm afraid that I've crossed a line. And I'm afraid that, because of one or more of those things, he has decided that life is not worth living anymore, even with me in it.

I want to know he's okay.

But I want to know honestly. I don't want the "I'm fine" text that gives me no details and makes me think that you are in fact not actually fine. I want you to tell me what is wrong. I want you to tell me what I've done to hurt you and how you want me to fix it. I want you to scream and kick and yell and punch and leave as many bruises as he can. I want him to be honest about how he is feeling right now.

I'm so tired.

I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to have awful dreams about you not coming back or someone I love dying painfully because of something I had done. But I'm just too sleepy. My eyes are getting heavier as I type, and the avalanche of tears is certainly not helping that fact.

I'm clinging onto things I shouldn't.

I'm wearing one of your shirts and boyfriend's hoodie. I love you both so much and I'm definitely overly attached to the both of you. I need you back here. I don't know why I think this, but my brain is telling me that things would be better if you were here. And by my brain, I mean Kevin. So yeah, my brain.

This is awful.

I just want to fucking know if he's alive and happy. I hope on Satan's left nut sack hair that he is. I can't imagine a world where he just... Stops existing because he wanted to. I can't imagine a world where I have to go to my best friend's funeral twice in my life. I can't keep doing this. I just want all of the pain to stop.

I love you.

- L