Begin [Ponyboy Curtis]

Doesn't Seem Fair

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS: Death, Police, Derealization, Depression, Guilt

Playlist: Burning Pile - Mother Mother

"I'll be up there as soon as I can," My aunt promised with a weak voice. I couldn't imagine being informed of a family death through the phone like that, "your friends are okay with keeping you until I get there?"

"Yeah," my voice was strained from the lump in my throat, "you've got their number and address?"

"Sure do... Take care of yourself, Dotty."

"I will."

At the same time we both choked out a soft, "I love you."

Los Angeles was just over a 20-hour drive from Tulsa. Part of me just wanted her here now. Even with Ponyboy and his brothers around I still felt abandoned and alone. Yet I knew once she arrived this chapter of my life would be ending.

The police officers gave us a ride from the station to Pony's house. Everyone came out scared half to death. Darry, who was on his lunch break, spoke to the police about what happened. He kept looking over at me with the most pitiful eyes. The other boys tried to console me after Ponyboy dropped the news. We made our way out of the crowd and to the backyard for another cigarette.

"I'm sorry you had to see it," I finally said.

The sun was now high in the sky, and the world seemed way too bright to be real. Bright rays glowed through my eyelashes making me squint at the ground.

"No," He put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder, "you don't have anything to be sorry about."

"Hmm," I hummed and pulled out another cigarette. He stopped me and took my pack away.

"You'll smoke yourself sick. You should probably eat something."

"I can't eat."

He clicked his tongue, "I don't think I can either."

I covered my mouth trying to keep myself from laughing, but it came out anyway. I burst out into a fit of laughter and tears. I expected Ponyboy to think I was crazy, but he bit his lip trying to keep from laughing as well. It was inappropriate and sadistic but it made me feel better.

I sighed and wiped the tears off my face, "what the hell?" I sniffled, "does this feel real to you?"

He shook his head, "when my parents died I thought Sodapop and Darry were pulling a twisted prank on me."

I took a deep breath in and leaned back, glad I finally relieved the pressure behind my eyes, "guess we can be a couple of orphans together."

He choked out a laugh, and once again we were both a mess. I think he cried with me a little that time too, "makes for a great couple."

A short silence fell between us and I looked back at the clouds, "this doesn't feel like a prank," I admitted, "It feels like I'm going to wake up any minute now."

Neither of us could stomach the idea of food, but as soon as we hit the couch we both passed out. I know it's not healthy, but sleeping is a lot easier than facing your problems. When we woke up the sun was glaring through the front window and hovering above the horizon, it was about 6' o'clock. Darry was in the kitchen making dinner. Ponyboy cringed at the meat, almost gagging. I wondered for a moment how my dad decided to go and if we'd be able to have an open-casket funeral.

"We're taking the mashed potatoes," Ponyboy announced and grabbed the whole bowl for just us. I was grateful for it, I couldn't see myself eating anything else.

"Sodapop and I had a talk," Darry looked over at us. He looked a new kind of stressed; different from the day he picked me up from the hospital. I momentarily felt guilty knowing that I was the cause, "as long as you two behave you can have the bedroom. Soda is going to stay with Steve or Sandy until your aunt gets here."

Ponyboy thoughtfully stirred the mashed potatoes, "Thanks, Darry."

Even though I was hungry I couldn't convince myself to eat more than a couple of bites. Instead, I nursed a cup of water throughout dinner while Sodapop and Darry tried to figure out how to start a conversation with two kids that found a dead body.

"You'll adjust," Darry promised me.

I appreciated them trying to give me pointers through my grief, but I desperately wanted them to stop talking about it. Maybe it was because I was pretending it didn't happen; like I wanted to wait until the funeral to face the fact. None of that was an option though, the facts were all around me. I was in a house that wasn't mine, with no parent to check into, waiting for my aunt to come and take it all away.

I thought it'd be easier to sleep through the night once I was off the couch and into a bed; I was wrong. Somehow being in a bedroom made it all worse. I couldn't stop thinking about how alone my Dad felt that first night. I couldn't get over knowing he'd been there, gone, for three days. None of us thought to check in on him. Stacey got to go be with her family, I got to be with friends, and he got a bottle of rum.

"Can't sleep?" Ponyboy whispered.

The world kept turning, stars kept shifting, and everyone kept living. But now it felt like it was speeding by and I was stuck walking in slow motion, "No." I rolled over and laid my head on his shoulder before I could think myself to tears.

"You wanna sneak out?"

I sat up and looked down at Ponyboy. The blue light casting in from his window showed a serious expression across his face, "Darry said to behave."

"You know what he really meant." I rolled my eyes, Ponyboy climbed out of bed and tossed me a hoodie, "I do it all the time. I just wait until Soda's asleep, go for a walk, then sneak back in. Helps me clear my head."

Something bothered me about someone our age having to clear their head. We're just kids finding out far too early that life doesn't discriminate.

As soon as Ponyboy opened the window I shivered and threw on his hoodie. It smelled like boy's deodorant and hair wash. We climbed out of the window and started walking down the alley.

"Smoke?" He offered me a cigarette.

"Thanks," I took the stick and let him light it for me.

He pursed his lips and shoved his empty hand into his pocket, "what's gonna happen when your aunt gets here?"

My jaw tensed and I looked up at the stars. It seemed odd to me that the moon was so full the night of the rumble. Only a sliver remained in the black sky. "I don't have family around here... other than Stacey. I don't think she'd want to move back into that house where she..." I couldn't describe every part of us that was lost in that house, "I think I'll have to move in with my aunt."

"To California?"

My voice wavered as I answered, "yeah."

We stayed quiet until we got to the park, both of us filling our mouths with smoke instead of sobs. I led him over to the swings and we just sat for a while.

"Maybe I could convince Darry to keep you."

"No, Pony," I shook my head, "don't put that on him."

His teeth chattered softly and he lit himself another cigarette, "it doesn't seem fair."

"Nothing has for a while."

He huffed a short laugh and looked over at me, "promise you won't forget about me?"

"You can call me every day," I forced a smile at him.

Early the next morning my aunt pulled up to the Curtis' house. Her eyes were dark with lack of sleep and swollen from crying. I couldn't hide from the truth anymore. Her brother, my dad, was gone. As soon as we saw each other out emotions combined, tears brimmed my eyes, and we collided into a long-deserved hug.