Surreptitiously In Love

Back to normal.

「私は何か間違ったことをしましたか？」 ("Watashi wa nanika machigatta koto wo shimashita ka?") — "What did I do wrong?"

Today is Yuzuru's Free Skate for 2014 Worlds Championship.

He's currently in 3rd place because of his failed quad toe loop last short programme. He seemed to be out of focus when he did that jump, and I don't know why. Shouldn't he be more motivated? Or maybe it's because of his confession? According to Javi, he still hasn't confessed. Perhaps that's what bothers him.

Now, I'm sitting once again in the first row. I watched him go once his name was called, like the usual. But today, I feel different. I'm still excited and nervous, but there is something inside me that can't be explained. Maybe it's because of the fact that he's not skating for me. Well, of course he is skating for me—I'm his fan after all. He's skating for all his supporters, including me.

I took a deep breath right after Yuzuru did his starting pose. The music played, which is the opening song of Romeo and Juliet. This reminded me of how emotions swirled through me back in Sochi. Right now, I can't even focus on him that much.

"What is this feeling?" I asked myself silently. I took my eyes off him for a moment to think. I looked at my lap; a cute Pooh is sitting there. I smiled, then looked back to Yuzuru. Just enjoy the show, Aren.

I heard the commentator say that he's about to take a jump. I took a deep breath—

—It wasn't smooth.

It wasn't clean, but he managed to maintain his composure. Thank god for that. Moments like these makes my heart palpitate faster. I watched the whole program with heart beating unusually fast, even though he succeeded all his jumps.

He looked tired in the end. He's been breathing heavier. He laid down in the ice for a moment before preparing himself to face the audience. He stood up and smiled, thanking the people for their support. Tens of plushies were thrown into the rink as he go to the seats for his scores.

Yuzuru gesticulated the people to lower their voices for his scores to be heard. He's still huffing. I wanted to give him an inhaler or something. Then, his scores got announced.

282.59—1st placer. The stadium cheered as well as Yuzu. I stood up and clapped really hard. He makes me proud no matter how rough some of his landings are, or how he fails some of his jumps. He makes me proud every time. It's nice to know that his performance makes me forget about my problems, even though he's actually one of them.

After the awarding, I went to him in the back stage with a heavy heart. To be honest, after hearing the boys' conversation, I can't even look at him in the eye.

I saw him and he was currently sitting down, but he stood up when he saw me. Our eyes met, and he looked surprise. I took a deep breath.

"What are you doing here?" Yuzuru asked. We're standing far away enough from each other. I tilted my head and shrugged in response.

"Why? Am I not allowed to just go and congratulate you?" I looked at him straight in the eye. Finally. He laughed, seemingly forced, and averted his gaze.

I didn't wait for him to open his arms wide and rushed towards him, wrapping my arms around him. I stayed like that for a while before pulling away shortly after tapping him in the back. I still wanted to hug him, you know. Even just a hug will be fine. Fans like me would die for a hug from Yuzuru Hanyu.

"Well, congratulations!" I exclaimed, trying my best to give him a nice grin. Yuzu had this startled look after I released him. He lets out a "Thank you," but the way he spoke made it sound like a question.

"Alright," I said, getting his things from the bench. I turned around and led him to the exit, saying "Let's get going." I have no idea what else to do anyway.

"..I thought you were mad." He whispered.

I stopped walking.

I blinked in surprise. "Huh?"

"For the past few days, it felt like you just wanted to get things done already and go home. When we go home together, you don't start talks like the usual. We don't eat lunch together anymore. And you stopped calling me by my name. Did I.. do something wrong?"

I turned to him and furrowed my brows a little. I opened my mouth to say something, but decided to stop myself. I closed it again, trying to make up the right sentences to say.

"If I did something wrong, you can tell me. You shouldn't just act like that all of a–"

"I just wanted to do my job right," I uttered, "You didn't do anything wrong. Besides, I was.. I was kind of.. not in the mood. Yeah. That's why I was like that. I'm sorry."

"Oh.. But even so, you didn't have to do that. You were already a great assistant before." He finally looked at me, but his eyes are telling me that my answer isn't satiating. "Can you at least call me by my name?"

I stayed quiet for a while. Will it be okay? I hesitated. But if I don't, he might realize that something is going on with me.

"Okay, sure." I forced a smile. "Let's go, Yuzu!" I stated in a rather cheerful tone, and I'm glad that Yuzuru bought it which means it hid all the bitterness in me. He caught up with me and walked beside me as he start to tell me how nervous he was earlier because he kept getting rough landings.

In a snap, it all occured like nothing happened.

Like I didn't tried to “avoid” him at all.

Everything was like back to normal.

[A/N: Hello!! It's been a while. So here it is. I have so many works to do ;_; What matters is that this is finally updated! This has been in my drafts for how many years already. I just tend to forget about this because life. Here it is! I think this is quite crappy.. But I'll make sure the next chapter will be better.]