The Worst PJO Fanfic Ever

THE QUEST BEGINS UWUWUUUUU!!!!

"WE'RE GOING ON A QUEST," I roared quietly. 

"Woah you're like perfect and stuff," said a camper in the corner for effect.

"OKAY SLEEP YOU LITTLE CHILDREN YOU'RE GOING ON LIKE A QUEST OR SUMMAT TOMORROW," screamed Chiron, stomping his hooves aggressively. 

"Where are we going?" Wartihog enquired. 

"This isn't your quest, Wartihog, shut your mouth."

"You're rude. I'm telling my mommy."

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy," said a mysterious voice from the nearby bushes.

"Who dis," Chiron farted.

"I'm Chiropractor, your twin sister. This is Churros. I don't really know what he is but I found him in an iceberg two days ago and he seems to like me. You have to come with us and save the world from the Fire Nation."

"OK," Chiron leaped into the bush and vanished in a puff of spaghetti-scented smoke. 

"GO TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP," shrieked the Author.

Everyone dropped unconscious, in unison. 

Except for me. I drooped delicately in an expensive chaise longue that cost the same amount as the entire Pizza Hut chain, hand laid gently across my lovely face. I was wearing a white, angelic gown with layers of thin tulle. It had been customized by the best designer in the world, Shrek himself. Intricately embroidered daisies adorned the dress, as well as beautiful designs of a Shrek army invading Pooland. A silver tiara sat upon my blonde locks that I had spread neatly over the cushions that were $101010010101010101 dollars each.

"EVANGEL MY KWEEN," Nico shouted peacefully in his sleep, thrashing about calmly. 

~ time skip brought to you by Chewbacca's toenail ~

"Johnny Johnny yes papa," Peppa Pig whispered ominously, leaning over my antique chaise longue that dated back from the beginning of the universe.

I punched Peppa in the snout in a badass fashion.

"HURRHURRR," Dogsbreath the Duhbrain snorted, digging a tunnel through the wall nearby.

"LET'S ALL GO ON A QUEST," howled Annabeth in a bratty way, making me look even more perfect than I already do.

"Ew, Annabeth, you're so gross," Percy sighed, sashaying towards me. He leaned on the wall and clamped a Venus Flytrap between his teeth, wiggling his eyebrows at me. "Hey pretty gorl, wanna get married?" 

"Oh my," I remarked as Annabeth whacked Percy over the head with a pan and threw him into the garbage can. 

"What a brat," said Jessica Zoella what's-her-name, painting her nails a bright shade of minion-yellow.

Annabeth attacked her too.

"CHEER," the author ordered the readers.

"CAN WE GO NOW," screamed the author's friend.

"OK," said everyone in perfect unison.

~ time skip brought to you by the holy chaise longue ~

I pranced across the meadow quirkily, giggling to myself as I twirled in perfect pirouettes. "I'm so weird!" I laughed in a melodious voice, my blonde tresses just floating behind me with rainbow pony magic.

Nico blushed lightly, gazing at me from behind like that 'justgirlythings' post on Instagram. It was super cute. 

I have 2 billion followers on Instagram by the way, because I'm very quirky and I like posting pictures of myself being stylishly propped up on expensive furniture. I'm not even rich by the way, I just quirkily steal all the props I use in my photoshoots!

But anyway I'm SUPER ugly too. I can't believe how dirty and oily my satin-smooth skin is today.

"She's so perfect," Nico sighed, a dreamy look in his orbs.

"We should go," announced the people with common sense. However, since the questers had zero common sense, the suggestion was not voiced, and that sentence was entirely made up. 

"Ya like jazz," farted Barry B Benson from the Bee Movie. 

"AHHHH SPIDER," screamed Annabeth like the stupid blondie she is in this story. "GET IT OFF ME, PERCY," she whined, swatting it in prissy strokes that couldn't kill a fly. 

"You're soooo ugly, Annabeth," recited all the boys. 

"Yeah, we hate-" Leo began. He faltered. "What was the line again?"

The author lifted a cue card. 

"Yeah, we hate you," Leo read off the card.

Annabeth burst out wailing. She stomped about brattily, putting on dumb non-quirky makeup and whining about Gucci. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M NOT AS PERFECT AS EVANGEL," she screeched, ugly normal tears leaking out of her orb sockets.

Barry the bee stung Annabeth and buzzed off to die because honeybees only get one sting in their entire lifetime and apparently this bee hated Annabeth so much it was willing to sacrifice its life just to cause her a single pinprick of pain. 

"Here, little bee," I lifted my finger to Barry. 

He landed on my fingertip. "FLOWER GLEAM AND GLOW," I sang in sweet, angelic, dominant, cool, powerful, glittery operatic tones. 

Barry was instantly healed.

"ERMERGURD EVANGEL YOU HAVE HEALING POWERS," squeaked Kylo Ren with a sense of dominance that shook the Earth. 

"AAHHHH OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOGMGOMGO," screeched all the boys. "THIS NEWFOUND POWER MAKES YOU EVEN HOTTER AND COOLER THAN YOU WERE BEFORE! AND THAT'S PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!"

"UGH! SHE'S SO HOT AND POWERFUL NOW! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO," groaned the useless group of girls. 

"Oh my," I farted gracefully.

Nico walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek.

"HEY NICO SHE'S MINE," snarled Percy. 

"Ewwww," said the Author. 

The boys erupted into a mess of punching, scratching and whining about how much I loved each of them.

"Oh no, please don't fight," I was very flustered. How could such hot boys (which I totally don't like because I'm quirky) be fighting over little old me - again?

"OK, ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY KWEEN," the boys farted. 

"That's better," I smiled cutely. "Now, let's keep going!"

"One question?" Leo raised his hand. 

"Yes?"

"Where are we even going?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the Author had teleported to a small cave under a volcano, and was wailing about how little motivation she had.

"It's okay, Author," said a hooded person. "You'll get tons of motivation to write the scene that's coming up next."

(A/N: Ya like jazz? Because I don't.)