The Worst PJO Fanfic Ever

WOWEE IMMA DEMIGOD OWO

I woke up in a large, smooth, silky, fluffy, flower-smelling bed, clearly tailored and designed just for me. The bed was so large, it took up the entire room. The bed itself was a room.

I yawned a perfect yawn and felt something soft in my hand. I squeezed it and looked down to inspect it, narrowing my wondrous orbs.

A poopsiepoople beak lay in my hand. The author pelted carrots up at me to get revenge for the chickens I had edgily slaughtered.

"STUPID OWOING DUMB BUTT," the author shouted, kicking and punching the bedframes. "READ THE MISSOURI REPUBLICAN YOU NONEXISTENT EYEBROW FIREMAN GEAR."

(A/N: In my books, I, the author, identify as neither male nor female, even though I am a female in real life. I choose to identify as an entity in my books. BUM for listening and keep reading now.)

I whacked the author in the face and they swallowed the bed, letting out eight tremendous burps which went along to the beginning of Beethoven Symphony No. 5.

"FART," the author roared quietly and bashed me, whooshing away into the sky with the extremely loyal accomplice Wartihog.

Toothless set my butt on fire and burped like a tuba bebsi.

"Oh my," I said, painting my nails with ever changing colours I had brewed in Chemistry. I'd gotten an A for it even though it wasn't in the syllabus. 

My vision blurred, then refocused. Gawd, I really should get some glasses to frame my glamorous orbs!!!

"Poo," Nico emerged from the floorboards, farting valiantly.

"'Ello, mate," I said in an Australian accent, crawling down under into the covers like a bobbit worm.

Nico screamed in a frequency so high that even my X-Ray ears could hear, and zoomed like a rocket into the ceiling, emitting a huge crash and bumping into Shrek's foot on his way to Mars.

"Oh my," I said, eating my pyjamas in the cutest way alive. I'm like stunning and stuff, but totally humble, am I in the middle.

"I'm like, an aristocrat," I farted melodiously.

"Gumb gumb gumb," Frinky slimed into the window and out again, bringing his children Cata and Cato with him.

Gaea somersaulted through the window and morphed into Chiron.

"SNAPPY POO SANITIZER," he ripped off the bedsheets.

He stuffed a whole bowl of pudding down my throat and complimented my starry eyes. Then he farted and left.

I became the Queen of Death because I was corrupted by my trusted entree, Cheesy Douglas the subway sandwich who was like quirky and healthy even though that's kind of impossible.

"I'LL MURDER YOU ALL," I announced, black tears whooshing around in a U shape to zoom straight into my ear canals. Diamond necklaces glinted against my Bony M throat and my black skirt grew longer until I closely resembled The Queen of the Night except frillier.

"I love you," said Chiron, banging the door with a shoelace.

~ time skip because the author is tired and has no motivation ~

After I had memorized everything about spiders in the world, which took about 4 seconds, also I'm quirky, I screamed and golden tears pelted the door.

Argus opened it.

"Yer a demigod, Evangel," he slammed the door, singing of praise about how beautiful I was.

"Oh my," I said, getting out of bed, 'cause I'm strong and crap like that. I twisted the solid gold doorknob and strode out into the hallway like a supermodel. I put on my humble fur boa and my humble sunglasses and my humble stilettos, which still looked great on me.