Secrets and Camera Flashes

Chapter 54

Castiel is very quiet that day.

Sure, he's usually quiet, but this time it seems intentional. Even while they're talking about Wayward Sisters, it's Dean and Charlie who do most of the talking, which is really weird considering that it was Castiel who got him hooked on the show in the first place.

It's possible that Dean is just overthinking things, but it's also possible that Castiel is overthinking things, too. He'd be lying if he said last night didn't turn his brain to mush, and he's definitely still recuperating from it. He's still dealing with the realization that he may be bisexual (which, looking back, would explain a lot about him), but he has a feeling Castiel might have it worse at the moment. At least Dean's crisis is happening internally; Castiel came out last night, and to someone he doesn't know too well, too. It doesn't sound like something he does a lot, so this has to be hard to deal with.

Jo pokes her head into the living room. "First batch of cookies are done."

Charlie's eyes practically pop out of her head. "Cookies!"

Dean chuckles. "Go get your cookies, Charlie."

Charlie hesitates. "But I also wanna talk about Wayward Sisters."

Dean waves her away. "We can keep talking about Wayward Sisters when you have your cookies."

"Okay, I can't turn that down," Charlie says. "You guys coming?"

"I just woke up an hour ago," Castiel reminds her, "and cookies aren't my idea of breakfast —"

Charlie snorts. "Loser."

Castiel cracks a smile. "But I can accompany you to the kitchen if you'd like."

"Yay!" she says with a big grin.

Castiel starts getting up, and Dean can't help but frown. If Castiel is going to leave anyway, Dean might as well follow and take a cookie, but he was really hoping he could get Castiel alone for a minute.

Almost as if reading his mind, Charlie says, "Actually, I think I'd rather go alone."

Castiel cocks an eyebrow.

"No offense," Charlie says, "but I am way smaller than you in every sense of the word. I can sneak my way over to the cookies faster than you could ever dream of."

Castiel rolls his eyes. "Alright, go for it."

She gives a mock salute and runs out of the room.

Dean looks over at Castiel, hoping to start a conversation, but Castiel is looking everywhere but Dean's direction. So maybe he wasn't overthinking things after all. Last night definitely changed things, and apparently not for the best.

In an awkward attempt to break the silence, Dean says, "Hey."

Castiel looks towards him, but not at him; their eyes don't meet at all. "Hi." It would be a friendly-enough response if he would just look, but right now, it just feels like avoidance.

"So," Dean says, "how's life?"

Castiel shrugs. "It's life."

Dean nods slowly, hoping Castiel will keep talking because he certainly doesn't have anywhere else to take this conversation. Unfortunately, that doesn't work, and Castiel leaves his answer at that.

Dean takes the much less subtle approach this time. "Are we good?"

"'Course," Castiel says simply.

"Are you sure?" Dean asks. "You've been really quiet today."

Castiel shrugs. "I'm a quiet person."

"I also don't think you've actually looked at me all day," Dean adds.

Castiel offers him a small, almost apologetic smile, but he still doesn't meet Dean's eye.

Dean frowns. "Did I do something wrong? I don't really know proper 'being come out to' etiquette, so if there's something I should have said or done...?"

Castiel shakes his head. "No, it's not that. That was, um..." He chuckles half-heartedly. "That was the best reaction I've gotten from a straight person after coming out, and, honestly, if you'd reacted much different, I probably would have faked a family emergency to get out of this."

"I will admit, that does make me feel a little better," Dean says. He briefly debates mentioning his own epiphany in case his possible bisexuality would assure Castiel that he's not homophobic — if that is the problem, though at this point he's not quite sure — but he decides against it. He's still not entirely sure he can call himself bisexual. It doesn't quite feel right, and he's going to have to reflect on a lot before he can comfortably label himself. He doesn't want Castiel to think this is just a lame attempt to prove that he's not homophobic, either. Instead, he just says, "I'm glad I didn't, you know, majorly fuck anything up."

"No, you're all good," Castiel assures him.

"Then can I ask why you refuse to look at me?" Dean asks. "You don't have to tell me. I know you have your super secret backstory that you don't like talking about so if it's something like that just me to shut up and I will, but it really feels like I did something to make you uncomfortable that I would like to undo if that's possible."

Castiel finally meets his eye. "Dean, you're fine. I just... I haven't come out to anyone in a very long time and I was really planning on riding this whole 'straight' thing to the grave, so, you know, it's weird. I learned a long time ago not to drink because I don't want to let anything slip; it hadn't occurred to me that sleep deprivation would do the same."

"Oh, okay," Dean says, and he's not quite sure how to respond. So basically what he's saying is that it doesn't matter how Dean responded; he still wishes he never came out.

"Now I feel like I said something wrong," Castiel says warily.

"No, no, not at all," Dean says quickly. "Actually, I'm really glad we're on the same page now. And if you want me to shut up about it, I will; just say the word. And if you ever want to not shut up about it, I would be more than willing to listen if you ever need an ear."

Castiel cracks a small smile. "You just want to hear more about my 'mysterious backstory,' don't you?"

Dean chuckles. "Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I am very interested in that. I swear it's like you didn't even exist until you were, like, 20." And he has tried much harder than he cares to admit to find out what he was up to before then, but to no avail. "But I also figure if you haven't come out to anyone in a decade, you probably don't have many people other than Charlie that you can vent to."

"Well, you're right about that," Castiel mutters. "Thank you. I —"

Charlie pokes her head into the room for a second, then disappears back into the kitchen. Castiel throws his head back, exasperated, and Dean can't help but laugh.

"What's up with her?" Dean asks.

"That would be the master of subtlety looking to see if we're talking," Castiel says. "Ignore her. She's a little..." He circles his ear with his finger, and Dean chuckles.

"Okay, that is weird but I'll accept it," Dean says. "So did you tell her that last night...?"

Castiel frowns. "She's been on my ass for years about the fact that everyone I know thinks I'm straight so she kinda had to know. Oh, and thank you for not doing that, because if you also started bugging me to come out to more people, I would lose my goddamn mind."

Dean can't tell if he changed the subject away from Charlie on purpose, but he decides to take that potential hint for what it may be and not bring her up again. "Hey, it's your life. I'm not gonna tell you how to spend it."

Castiel smiles. "I appreciate that."