Secrets and Camera Flashes

Chapter 73

Castiel hasn't had much of a problem sleeping on the Harvelle's floor this week, but tonight, he just can't fall asleep to save his life. He knows it's not the floor's fault, though it would be easy to blame it on that; it's that his brain just won't shut the hell up.

He's glad that he and Dean are still going to get the chance to sleep together, even if it's a few weeks out. He's waited this long; he can wait a little longer. He's just afraid that something is going to go wrong. Keeping secrets in Hollywood is damn near impossible, especially for two big names like them. They're supposed to hate each other. Even if they're just seen together, the jig is up. There's no recovering from that.

This is a big risk. It's a big, stupid risk, and they both should have been smart enough to say no. If it backfires, it could wreak havoc on both their careers. People will know they lied. People will know the whole thing was a publicity stunt. And, in the worst possible scenario, people will know they're queer. That's one thing he knows he couldn't recover from.

But for some stupid reason, he really wants to do this. It's a close call, but he truly does believe it's worth the risk. They just have to be careful and nothing will go wrong. Right?

Driven by both paranoia and desperation, he decides to do something he hasn't done in a very long time. He gets up and kneels on the floor, clasping his hands in front of him. Well, here goes nothing...

I never thought I'd be doing this again, but I guess you find faith at the weirdest times.

I know I haven't exactly been the best Christian. Hell, sometimes I'm not sure I'm a Christian at all, which is probably a shitty thing to admit to God Himself but I'm sure if You really are out there, You already know that.

I have to think that You don't hate me, even if You probably should. I mean, You've given me a pretty nice life; redemption from the hell I put myself through by running from my family. I can't for the life of me figure out why You'd do that for me when I haven't done anything to deserve it, but I guess it's true what they say: that the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I hate to stumble back into religion just to ask a favor, but You've been so good to me so far and I just have one more favor to ask. I know it goes against everything I've been told You stand for, but I have faith that You're more benevolent than I've been led to believe, that these arbitrary rules I've been force-fed since I was a child are no more reflective of Your teachings than any other outdated social norm.

All I ask is that You let me and Dean have our clandestine little meetings without anyone else finding out. I know, it goes against everything I've been taught, but it's something that's very important to me and I have to believe that if You're out there, if You're listening to me right now, You know that, and that You... I don't know, that You care? That You want what's best for me, and that if I'm going to be an idiot and do this anyway, then doing it privately, doing it in peace, that's what's best for me.

So, if it's not too much to ask, then please, don't let anyone screw this up for me

Castiel does the sign of the cross, and god, it feels weird doing it outside of church. It's even weirder to do it with Charlie sleeping just a few feet away; on the very rare occasion he prays these days, it's always when he's alone.

On some level, it's almost embarrassing, praying to a deity he's not even sure he believes in -- a deity who might not believe in him back. He knows Charlie wouldn't make fun of him for it. She was never a believer but she knows he was and she knows it was a difficult transition into agnosticism, so the biggest response this may elicit is a sympathetic frown, as if it were a relapse of some kind. It kind of is, now that he thinks about it. But if there was ever a time to fall back into old habits, this would be it. This could end up being the best or worst decision he's ever made. It can't hurt to ask God for a little help.