Secrets and Camera Flashes

Chapter 58

Christmas Eve is, of course, the annual day of cookie-eating. That doesn't mean there's no meal, though: Ellen prepares what smells like it's going to be the best baked ziti that Castiel will ever have. When she announces that it's done, Charlie immediately runs to grab a plate. Castiel, on the other hand, takes his time, eyes scanning the crowd in the kitchen. He'd rather sit next to Dean than Jo, but it seems like only the latter is here.

"Hey, what's up?"

Castiel practically jumps out of his skin at the sound of Jo's voice from right beside her. How did she get there? She's so freaking tiny. She's like a ninja... with a plate of ziti. She's a ziti ninja.

"Where'd Dean go?" he asks. "He seemed really excited for this."

"Oh, yeah, he loves baked ziti," she says. "I think he's in my room. I can go check."

"Want me to check?" Castiel offers. "You've already got your plate, so..." Otherwise she'd probably put her plate down first, and knowing his luck, she'd claim the seat next to him.

Jo shrugs. "Works for me. You remember where my room is?"

Castiel nods.

"Alright, awesome," she says. "Thank you! I'll save you a seat, okay?"

Oh, great. He's going to have to sit next to her anyway. This was so much more fun before he found out that she has a raging crush on him. He still forces a smile and says, "Thanks. You think you can get me a seat next to Charlie?"

"Of course," Jo replies. "Wouldn't dream of separating the two of you." She skips off after that, and Castiel feels a bit better. At least she seems to like Charlie more now that she knows they're not a couple. She never seemed to dislike her, but she was never this optimistic around her, either.

Castiel watches her leave before making his way to her room. He doesn't think to knock given that this is Jo's room and she's not the one in it, and he doesn't realize until he's too late that it was a very bad idea.

Dean immediately slams his laptop shut, but it doesn't take more than the second or two he saw for Castiel to realize that he's watching a Karla sex scene (but a consensual, not-creepy one that probably doesn't exist in the real movie). And, as if that wasn't bad enough, he seems to have been jerking off to it.

Huh.

This is a thing now.

"Well," Dean says, glancing over his shoulder at him, "this is awkward."

Castiel makes a show of turning around as he closes the bedroom door behind him, and he's pleased to see when he turns back to face Dean that he's pulled his pants up. As much as Castiel finds himself wishing he were able to get a glimpse at what's underneath, this is probably for the best.

"I'm sorry," Castiel says. "I should've knocked."

"No, no, it's — it's fine." Dean awkward readjusts himself. "I thought I locked the door, but... well, apparently not."

There's a brief moment of silence that seems to drag on for ages, and finally, Castiel just says, "I was sent to tell you that dinner's done, so..."

"Awesome," Dean says. "I'll be out in a couple minutes."

It's a good thing Dean's back is to him or Castiel knows he would have subconsciously looked at Dean's dick there.

"So..." Dean fakes a smile. "Are we good to pretend this never happened?"

"Definitely," Castiel says. As a lame attempt at humor, he adds, "You know, if you wanted to know what I looked like when getting a blowjob, you could've just asked."

Dean cocks an eyebrow. "Is that a joke or an offer?"

"Just a bad joke," Castiel assures him. He doesn't flirt with straight guys — or anyone, for that matter, but especially straight guys. He's not sure how he expects Dean to react, but he doesn't expect to see what he thinks is a small frown on his face. Puzzled, Castiel adds a tentative, "Unless you were looking for an offer?"

"Well..." Dean trails off before he even begins, and now Castiel is really confused.

"Can you spell out what you're thinking like I'm five years old and have no brain cells?" Castiel asks. "Or tell me to leave, either one."

Dean hesitates. "I'm definitely not thinking with my upstairs brain right now, so this is probably going to bite me in the ass pretty soon."

"That'll just give us something in common," Castiel replies, thinking back to his impromptu coming out.

"Okay, well, if this is out-of-line, tell me," Dean says, "but I've been thinking ever since you told me that you're... you know..."

Castiel nods slowly. He's not sure why Dean won't just say it, but he pushes that thought aside.

"Right, okay," Dean says, "and I... I don't think I'm straight, either."

It takes every ounce of self control Castiel has to not say or do anything stupid right then. He gives himself a moment to process that — though it's far less time than Dean took the other night, not that he's still hung up on that (yes he is) — before just saying, "Okay..."

Dean doesn't say anything at first, like he's expecting more. When Castiel doesn't continue, Dean says an incredulous, "That's it?"

Castiel shrugs. "I don't know. I mean, I'm glad you're doing all this introspection and I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me, but, like, I don't really know what to do now." In all honesty, he's not even sure he believes it. He believes that Dean believes it, but he's also half convinced Dean is going to change his mind and become a certified Straight Man™ again after a couple weeks.

"Oh," Dean says. "Well... okay."

Castiel fakes a smile. "Okay."

There's a brief moment of awkwardness, and Castiel wishes he'd been a little more clear about what he wanted from this. Did he really just want to come out? Was that all this was? Or was he looking for something more? He keeps repeating 'is that a joke or an offer?' over and over in his mind, but he's pretty sure that looking into it would just be just wishful thinking.

"I guess you can go eat, then," Dean says uncertainly. "I mean, unless you wanna..." He interrupts himself with the shake of his head. "Nevermind. Go eat. I'll join you in a sec."

"What were you going to say?" Castiel asks.

"Nothing," Dean says, waving it off. "Forget about it."

"No, I really wanna know," Castiel says. He wants to know if there's a chance it's more than wishful thinking. He knows this is going to end in an inevitable letdown, but it will haunt him forever if he doesn't ask.

But Dean shakes his head. "Forget it."

"Oh, come on," Castiel says. "It's not like you could make this encounter any more awkward than it already is, right?"

Dean gives a small chuckle at that. "Oh, I don't know about that."

"If you really don't want to tell me, that's fine," Castiel says, "but I'm not going to forget this if I never find out what it was."

Dean purses his lips, thinking. "Okay, well, you have a point there," he says. "Just... let me down easy, will you? I have a very fragile ego."

Castiel's heart skips a beat. Is he...? No, he's not. He can't be. But what if he is?

Dean lowers his voice. "I know you only mentioned a blowjob as a joke, but would you actually wanna...?"

Castiel is decently sure he feels his soul ascend into Heaven. "I'm sorry, I just — I really need to make sure before I answer: is this an actual offer?"

"Only if you say yes," Dean says with a small, nervous smile. "If you say no, it was totally a joke."

Castiel doesn't realize he's staring until he's been doing it for too long for it not to be uncomfortable. "You mean right here? Right now?"

Dean nods. "If you want to."

Castiel can't help but smile back at him. "Well, Merry Christmas to me."