A Sun and Star [dreamnotfound]

Fever

As I walked down the road, I felt the chill evening breeze hit my face. Looking up at the stars, I finally let myself think it.

I like George.

***

I walked for one and a half hours. My legs carried me as my mind was so filled I couldn't bear to think about anything else. Without knowing it, I ended up at the place I had gone to so many times before. The familiar sight made me sigh with bittersweetness. It was a lonely place, one I went to in my worst moments. But it was also beautiful for the same reason. I took a seat on the swing like I had done so many times before. The night was pitch black except for the stars and a single street lamp illuminating me in a bleached white. I looked around at the playground. The only chilly place in the entirety of California, presumably because it was up on a hill. As I looked around I was reminded of all the memories. Coming here when I was a kid, sliding down the bright green slide with my siblings, sitting on the same swing I sit on now. Oh, how the times have changed.

I breathed in the air, letting it prick my nose, reminding me of my existence. The usual spiral I would go into did not come for this place somehow cleared my mind without fail, it always had. Instead, I closed my eyes, picturing his face. His chocolate brown eyes that made me feel so safe. His brown almost black hair that I had the luxury of burying my face into, of feeling its softness. His perfect nose. His rounded lips made me go crazy if I even glanced at them. He was the perfect height to kiss. The perfect face to comfort you when you cry. God, he was just perfect. Was I just blinded by it? By this thing called a crush? Was he really the perfect compliment to me. Did our personalities match, his docility and my competitiveness. His whininess and my tolerance for anything. The way he was so open and I couldn't share my feelings with anyone. 

Yes. God yes, he was. It wasn't even a question. Love is blind but maybe that is the beauty in it. The only ugly love is when it is one-sided. And I do not know whether mine is lustrous or the latter. But no matter. I would do it. I would make him like me, no matter what it took. I had to. I had never realized, for there had never been an opportunity for me to, but when I fall, I fall hard. And this time was no exception. I know I could not live without reciprocation. Without ever being able to touch him in that way. Without ever feeling him. 

***

When I got back, I expected to find Sapnap on the couch but instead, George lay on it, eyes closed, headphones on, and listening to music. I stood there for a second, watching him. Feeling the familiar frustration of being able to reach something but knowing even if you touched it, you could never truly have it.

When I got to my room, Sapnap was lying on the bed. 

"Hi," I said. He nodded.

"I suppose you're wondering why George is on the couch."

"I think I can guess."

"Enlighten me."

I told him. 

"You were right," I said solemnly. He nodded in understanding.

"I'm surprised you only realized now."

"I don't even know when it happened."

He sat up. "I think it's always been there."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I think from the very moment you met him you felt something for him. Something more than you wanted to. And you have just been denying it till now."

I felt my stomach plummet. Was that true? I thought back to the first time I saw his face, a few years ago. We had only been calling on Discord until he told me he streamed. I had checked his channel and when I saw his face I... I felt something. Something scary. I had never felt it before. I summed it up to objective attractiveness which I was secure enough in my heterosexuality to admit but I knew deep down that wasn't it. Sap was right. That's why I always made those jokes. I guess a part of me had always wished one day it wouldn't be just jokes.