Her Name Is Havoc

7:28 P.M. 9-24-2020

  My eyes are numb now, so is my face. I don't know if I am still crying; as I once said, I am numb now. Do I even deserve her? Maybe I don't. Maybe that's why she's gone now. I think this is pure punishment from the skies. The feelings I've got for her are enough to torture me till my last breath. If this is how you're punishing me, please Good God don't! She doesn't deserve that. She's all good. I am not.
  I remember when I made these mean jokes, and she would shake her head with disappointment; "you're going to hell," she would said. And I would just smile and say "maybe". She would mumble a "definitely" while turning her head the other direction. Then I would stare at her for a while without a word, just marveling her existence. That scene happened more than once. And now it's all that's playing in my head. She was right. I am going to hell. But seems like I'm dragging her with me. And it's purely my fault.
   I was never the man any girl would've ever wished for. I was a cheater, a lair, a deceit, a player, and whatever that hit you as terrible traits. In other words, I was total scum. I was never a responsible person. Richard was born like this. A total selfish piece of shit. I had been with hundreds of beauty queens; never had I the slightest feelings for any of them. I've always wondered what was really attractive in commitment. Living with one woman for the rest of your life, having kids that look forward to you for everything, and taking hold of the these duties and responsibilities were never to be my choice. I still wondered why any man would choose this life...
   And then I met her. Before the day I laid eyes on her, I had never been with any girl for more than a month. But she deserves an eternity and even more. I would stare at her for hours and not get the slightest vibe of boredom. I loved her the moment I caught her eyes. I knew everything will change. I will change. I wanted her and only her. No more messing around. I never really believed in loyalty, but with her I do. I need not any other girl. The thing is: I see her in all girls. She's just there. Even when I am not thinking of her, I still hear her voice and see her smile. She's tattooed in my head. Permanently. I want to have kids from her. And raise them together. I want to tell them all about their mom. How I met her, how much I love her, and that if I lived a thousand lives, I will end up with her every single time. They will probably groan in unison and tell me that's cute, and she will act like she's not listening and look out the window at our front garden. I will tell them the same story, and wait for her reaction. And no matter how many times she will pretend to be uninterested, I will still try again. I just want her to know how hard I had fallen for her. I don't expect her to tell me she loves me as well, and I wouldn't be waiting for it anyways. I just realized that she never really said she loved me. I proposed and got a "yes", and still she never said she loved me. I wonder if what she really feels is classified as well. And the fact that she never trusted me with her name is really insane. We are getting married. I still don't even have something as basic as her name. One of us must be crazy. And I don't care. I don't care if she never tells me her name. I don't care if we never get married. I don't care if she never moves in with me. I don't care if she doesn't want kids. I don't care. I just want her back.
   I was ordered to leave the police station after attacking that trash. He wouldn't talk. They said I am not allowed inside the facility before they finish interrogating him. I've been waiting in front of the building in my car for over an hour now, waiting for detective Danes to call.