Her Name Is Havoc

Two weeks ago

I bought a ring this morning. It was beautiful. Breathtaking. I stared at it for forty minutes straight before I dared stir my gaze away and request it. Why did I buy this now? That I don't know. But I know I had to. I will not lie and say I laid eyes on it by chance and decided it wasn't to be wasted. I left my house this morning in hunt for the perfect ring that was just meant for the perfect woman. And when I saw it was so overwhelmed that I couldn't think straight. All that fogged my mind was the sight of her finger engulfed in this masterpiece. A masterpiece wearing a masterpiece that already sounds like walking art. The type of art you fall for badly.
Deep inside I knew the answer to the question I denied. I bought that ring because no matter how many times I swore to her that I will no longer try labeling and stamping her, I just couldn't. I can't think of her been viewed by other men as available. I can't sleep at night thinking that other men have her on their minds. I can't focus on anything because I have nothing solid that tells me I am her one and only and that she's not probably with another guy at the moment. It drives me crazy. She drives me crazy. She claims I am too possessive and overprotective but what can I do? She's not a damn pie, capable of being shared. And even if she was. I don't share.
This ring is to clarify us. To tell me if I this is what I think it is or if I am just gone mad. To crack the vault veiling our status. I want that out and clear now. What are we? Are you really staying by me? Or is it just a fleeting occasion? Is it going to be us tomorrow? And next week? Next month? What about in two years? Will she be gone by then or still by me? I needed answers to these question. Or maybe all I needed is one "Yes" from her and all my worries will sleep tight. But it's hard to anticipate a "Yes" when it comes to someone like her. Honestly, it's hard to anticipate anything when it comes to her. She's crazy. But, well, I am crazy too. I've known her for almost five months only and here I am proposing just less than a months away from a major knockdown to our relationship and a breakup. Even the most stable and committed women will find that unsettling and even uncomfortably knotting. Then what will a wild, free spirit like hers think? Possessive, I guess. Bingo!
I must be out of my mind because this is when I risk it all. This is when I either cry out of joy or loss. I have never approached such a risk with that significant percentage of futility. This is wrong, I know. But I can't also risk experiencing what happened before again. I can't leave this relationship open because no one is welcome. No one. And I need her to know that I am willing to give her my all if she would just give me a green light. That I will make her the happiest woman on earth if she takes me for her man. I am hers, and I hope she knows she's my salvation.
If she says no, I will not let go. I will take defeat with an understanding smile. I will give her time and space. But I won't leave her side. She's already mine but she's yet to notice, and until then I wouldn't surrender. I can't say I am ready to throw a question so weighty, but it's time. It's time to either plan for our future or dwell in broken pieces of my heart that she leaves behind.
**********************

I called her earlier in the day telling her to come over and that I'll be cooking her lunch today. She came all graceful and glossy. Her eyes reflecting the candle lights in a way that made the candles jealous and envious. Her smile was too soothing that I wavered all night. When you're too close to heaven, you fear even the most righteously intentioned sin. And I wonder if I am ready to lose after coming this far.
"I am almost done with my plate, and you haven't touched yours yet. You will wear me out if you keep staring at me any longer," she said teasingly with a wink.
I want you to be my wife, I practiced in my head as my heart raced.
"You're just too pretty."
"I know," and she smiled devilishly.
God.
"Not just pretty. You're perfect. Your face is symmetrical. Your eyes alluring. Your skin addictively glorious. Your lips too illegal, my god. Your hair is priceless. And your frame is just startling. I look at you and I tell myself you're not real because humans can't be that stunning."
"Wow. How long have you been practicing that?"
Three days.
"I don't need to. I look at you and my head floods with too many thoughts. I am only speaking my mind." Let's say I lied with a truth.
"You're being too extra, Rich. Ugh, cute," she said, diverting her eyes in bashfulness.
"I am not even doing you justice, baby. Don't you know what you do to me? You make me crazy! I think of you 24/7, wondering about every single detail of your day because it matters. Anything about you matters the most. I dream of you at night just to wake up and day dream of you as well. The day I don't see you through gets too heavy and slops me down. I feel like a walking depression, and my day feels like a year. If you don't pick up the phone, my mind runs in circles, and my unreasonable, overrated fear grows with every second. It's crazy, but I am all about you, Hazel, I swear. And I know we're still shaky and not ready. We're still strangers. I don't even know your name, for god's sake. But whatever! I don't need to know more than what I feel. If you came up to me and admitted that you've murdered someone, I would just ask you what you want for dinner because I don't care. I don't care what you're not telling me or what you decide to keep to yourself. I don't care if your name is Thelma or Samantha. I really don't care who you dated or who you loved. All these trivial details that don't include us being together are yours to keep. Hold on to them as much as you want, and I won't ask for more than what you're willing to share. I love you. I love you so much that my heart can't take it. And I want you to know that you're what's left from my blessing credit. Because after you there can't be more blessings. You're each and every one of them and even more," I stood up from my chair then got down on one knee with the ring in hand, 'Cliché' alert, and, as shock aroused to her features, I continued, "So will you stay by me and bless my life further. Whatever your name is, will you marry me?"
She watched me with a half shocked half betrayed look. It wasn't hard to expect the answer. But the silence grew older than tolerable.
"Baby?"
Her eyes met mine in slight anger.
"Did you really have to go this far?"
"This far?"
"You know this is really hard to decide at the moment! We barely know each other! And yet you decide to push me further and test what's left of my patience. Just when I start getting to open up to you, you invade with too much authority. It's annoying!"
"Invade?" I can feel a temper building, "all I ever did was love you madly! All I ever want is to be with you. I don't care about what you're not telling me. I am the opposite of invading, and I have no idea how you're seeing things here. Why is it so hard for you to accept my love? Why do I rebel you that much?! I loved you with all my heart and even more, it's crazy! I wasn't even aware that I was capable of such love. I am begging you to give me something I avoided all through my life because I am sure it's you that I want. How can you be so cold? My unconditional love is nothing but invasion to you? What am I to you? Tell me! Are we even a thing?!"
Tears built up in her eyes. But god! That stubbornness of hers. She won't even let a single one of them escape. She held them tight and steady. And it broke my heart.
"Are you done?"
I never replied. I simply was too tired.
"Can you promise that you will feel the same after five years? Will you still love me unconditionally? Will you still be all about me? Will this prevail?"
I was silent for a second, but I don't know why. I knew the answer to that.
"Yes! I promise," I said with too much confidence that I surprised myself. She was even more surprise.
This is when she couldn't control those tears anymore, and, as some slid down her face, she looked at me with a cold stare.
"But I can't promise you that," she said just before getting off her chair and off the door. She didn't even bother shut the door behind her.
I wasn't just shook. I was hurt. I bled from an invisible injury and it sore me with pain. I was dispirited, my love. You did this to me.
I took a seat on the couch and allowed tears to flow. Was it pain that I am feeling? Or was it loss? Aren't both related?
Maybe it was a minute or less before she marched back into my apartment. I was expressionless. I didn't know how to react. Maybe because I didn't know what was happening? She stood right in front me and then got down to her knees, scooping my face in her delicate hands.
"Let's do this. Marry me," and she smiled.
It's hard to know whether I jerked her in a hug because I felt the urge to do so or because I was making sure this is real. I knew it can't be real. But it is. She's here. In my arms. And she's here to stay.