Her Name Is Havoc

8:05 A.M. 9-29-2020

Minutes are denser here. They drag and drag, passing like huge ships in muddy lands. When you're alone in a closed cell, there's no one but thought to entertain you. It's not even optional. You think of the things you did. The things you wanted to do. And if you can do any of which anymore. Well, that's what you would think of, if you were me. However, I think of her. Maybe a day ago, I would've fought the world to prove she exists, but now I am not even sure she does. Does she?
She became my full time thought. I think of her when I shouldn't. Because, after all, am I not here to get rid of her? Isn't she the cause of my madness? But she's still emerged within my mind, and I can't get her out. Oh my god, after all that happened, I'm letting her destroy me further. Now she will eat up whatever's left from my sanity. I welcome it.
They said I'll meet up today with my psychologist. They also said it's a she. I was also told that these sessions won't be recorded and my therapist will follow all terms of confidentiality, so I shouldn't worry and open up. I wonder what they thought I still have to narrate or what could I ever be hiding.
I was still drowning in thought, when I heard my cell get unlocked. Someone walked in. Hazel? Maybe they were right. The hallucinations were getting over my head, and I was letting it happen.
I shifted my head away and shut my eyes close. I started heaving for a reason I couldn't grasp. This is not real. You're imagining. She wasn't real to start with.
"Are you planning to avoid me for the rest of the day?" she asked. I could never mistaken this voice. But how!
I look at her again, and it's still her. My baby. Her eyes shining even brighter. It's not fair, what my head is playing on me.
"You're not real."
"Am I not? Do you want to touch me?" she said with a mischievous smile.
"I did before. It doesn't change a thing."
"Really? Said who? Do you really believe I was a work of your imagination? I thought you're more stubborn to give in so soon."
"You mean you're really here?" My heaving was calming naturally, but my world was starting to spin in return. What's happening?
"What do you think?"
"Oh god, Hazel!" I tried to get up and rush to her, but I remembered how my foot is cuffed to the bed. Very humane.
She approached me slowly, and then stood a couple of feet away.
"But I am not your Hazel, Richard. I never was. I am your psychiatrist," she said with a poker face. Her eyes were burning with god knows what. Something wasn't right, but what was it?
"Are you angry with me? I swear I did my best to find you, but no one listened to me or believed me. I tried so hard, babe, I really did. I even ended up here...for you."
"No. Not for me. It was never because of me. It was because of you. You brought this upon yourself! And you can never escape the blame," anger was sparkling in her eyes and echoing her voice. She was enraged. Why? But it wasn't just rage that I saw in her, satisfaction was there too. This wasn't something my brain can decipher anymore.
"What are you talking about?"
She took two steps closer and drew a smile on her poker face.
"I am talking about this. You being here. Just were I intended."
"What? But why?"
"Why? Don't tell me you don't deserve this. You out of all people know you do."
"What did I ever do to you?"
Her eyes swelled with angry tears, and she, suddenly, spoke, her words cold yet sharp, "You killed my sister."
I've done terrible things before. Terrible things. But I never ever took a life. This is the only sin I didn't commit. And when I get accused, murder will be my crime?
"I never killed anyone, I swear! I don't even know your sister!"
"Yeah? Wow, that would've broken her heart all over again."
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Don't swear to me, Richard. I know what you did and didn't do. I know it all. Don't you see? I got everything figured out. Every minor detail in your pathetic life is mine to know. Every decision you take, I influence. You're nothing but my toy. I did all this. The kidnaping. The lack of evidence. The witnesses. And everything else. It's all my doing. I brought you here. I destroyed you! I wrecked everything you are. You loved me and trusted me with your heart, so I tore your chest open to take it out. Now watch it sap."
"But why? Why do you hate me so much?"
"It only makes me even more vengeful that you don't remember. How can people's lives be that subtle to you? I've been planning for the past two years to consume the rest of your life like you did to my sister."
"Why can't you believe me?! I never killed!"
"Maybe you didn't take her life, but you drove her to take it herself."
"What..."
Her words started to settle.
"Do you remember now? Do you remember what you did to her? You abandoned her and broke her heart in the most messed up way! You sipped the soul out of her. And there was nothing left but her neglected vessel. So she took the life out of that vessel. I've dreamt of this moment for the past two years. To look you in the eye and tell you you're done. Burnt. I hope you enjoy your stay here. You've got no other choice."
She said no more. Waved goodbye in the most sarcastic way and then left. I didn't know if I will ever see her again. But do I really care? I've always known my deeds will one day have a reaction, but I never knew karma was that ruthless. I ruined a life of someone who loved me, and it was love that wrecked my ship and sent me to the bottom.