Her Name Is Havoc

Caroline's wedding day

  We went through everything possible in his room. Nothing showed to be of an interest. And the more we searched the more this worked on my nerves. This can't be right! Something's wrong. I know it. But what? If there was only the slightest hint where I can find him. What if he needs me? What if it's a very serious issue? And then I started wondering if him not showing up in time for the wedding is my biggest concern anymore. Because there's the possibility of never seeing him again. Alive.
  "Didn't you find anything yet?" Silver asked, no longer trying to hide he concern and nervousness.
"No," I looked at his suit laying on his bed and fear overwhelmed me, "nothing," and tears slid their way down my face.
"I am negative too," Jeff joined. Sil glared at him as a way of telling him "Shut your useless mouth because it's not helping".
  She approached me in a comforting pace and hugged me tight.
"We will figure this out, Carl, don't worry. Plus it wasn't a good idea to rush the wedding from the first place. Maybe this is for the best."
  I opened my mouth to argue with her, but I burst in tears instead. I cried hysterically out of fear. I feared not seeing him again. Or seeing him dead. Or seeing him, finally, aware of who I really am. Or seeing him apologetic because he didn't sign up for someone like me. Or seeing him at all.
  "Please, Caroline, stop crying. This won't help. If he isn't serious about this then you should be happy that this happened now! Before it's too late. Crying won't fix this," she said trying to sooth me down.
  I wanted to scream and tell them that I am not disappointed, I am terrified. That I don't care if he shows up late or doesn't show up today as long as he shows up sometime. That my heart is racing my head, and both are in conflict. I wanted to tell them that I am worried about him to death. And that amongst all the disturbing reasons that might be keeping him away, I terrify me the most. Because I once killed what I loved. So it's not a novelty.
"I was gone again yesterday. For about two hours," I said, trying to sober up.
"Gone? To where?" Jeff asked, missing the meaning that Silver seemed to sense.
"I don't know. I was gone into a manic episode. And I don't remember anything. And I am scared that..." my voice broke again as tears revisited.
"You mean you might've done something wrong that set him off? That's still not a proper excuse for him to leave like..." Sil said.
"No. That's not the case. It might be worse," I continued to cry.
"Like what?" Jeff asked, building impatience.
  Words came not. I didn't trust my tongue and he didn't trust me either. And I don't know if I was hallucinating but I could feel the walls going as impatient as Jeff and Sil. Like they were anticipating as well. Or maybe it's my conscience. Anticipating to be set free. But I guess I am just hallucinating. Because this is what crazy people do. They imagine things.
"What is it, Carl?" Silver urged.
"May I even ask what does a manic episode mean?" Jeff asked.
  Silver rolled her eyes on him, "Not now."
  Their eyes tested me as they interrogated me in silence. I couldn't hide anywhere because I was surrounded and urged to surrender. The pressure was too much to bear and my therapist didn't teach me how to maintain such stress. Maybe because I stopped visiting. Or maybe because he just sucked. And I want my money back. And I can't stay silent anymore. And I miss Leo.
"Aren't..." Silver tried to speak but I cut her short.
"I killed."