Her Name Is Havoc

Caroline's wedding day

It was like they got stuck in a huge ice cube. I can even say they weren't breathing. Maybe I shouldn't have said it in this manner. I bet they either think it's a prank or I am losing the last brain cells in my head due to nervousness. Or maybe they think I am a serial killer now coming for them. Because that's what serial killers do before attacking another victim. They confess their past crimes.
"What are you talking about, Caroline?" Silver finally cracked the ice and managed a line. I just realized that Jeff's eyes are somewhat wider than Silver's.
"I killed before. Remember Leo? Yeah, he was never gone missing. I had a manic attack that night and I... I slit his throat," I said those words like they formed a lump in my throat. Like they were anchoring me down and now I am free. Yet vulnerable. I feel naked and small. Scared. Tired the most. I started crying hysterically again, "I killed him! I woke up in his blood and with a knife in my hand and...and I couldn't remember...and I had to clean the blood. It got stuck in my nose and I could smell it everywhere. In my food. In my clothes. I can smell it now. And I had those nightmares all the time. I had them when I was awake. But still I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember, Sil. I tried."
I was shaking but used to it. I was free now. I was a killer.
Their jaws were dropped with no intentions of retiring. They were shocked, I know. So? I am at peace with myself, even though I am terrified. I am no longer the flawless, sweet Caroline. And the world has to accept it. Still I couldn't stop crying, which perplexes me. Am I not finally honest? Then why is my heart ponding hard and those eyes running wet? Is it because of guilt or fear of judgment? Or is it because I fear what's next? This may not be my only crime.
Silver pulled me in a shaky, unsure hug. She wanted to comfort me but had no idea how to deal with the unease building within her ribs. She wanted to be there for me but didn't know if that's what's right. I could read it all over her face and her body signals. Jeff, on the other hand, didn't make an effort to conceal his shock or to dissolve the awkwardness building in the air. He just stood there eyeing me in disbelief with his mouth open. Really open.
I knew she wanted to say something. Questions were roaming all over her mind and she battled to stay quiet. To not pressure me. But who said I wanted to stay quiet? I've spent so many nights crying my eyes out because I couldn't open my mouth instead. I bit my lips and tongue till they bled and still I wasn't distracted. Not even a bit. All I wanted was to part those bleeding lips and shout out the truth. To tell them they should hate me because I earned it. To tell them to stop looking for Leo because they will never find him, unless they dig in my backyard. I wanted to tell them everything but nothing came out. Now I would let nothing stay buried within me.
She rubbed my back in circles, and I knew she was crying. Even Jeff got over himself and was now staring at his feet instead. Oh, nice shoes, Jeffy.
"So you think this is why Justin left? Did you talk to him about this yesterday?"
What? Doesn't anyone get it yet?! How can a psychiatrist be so stupid? I pulled away a little bit harder than I intentioned.
"NO! This isn't what I meant. I never told him anything."
I have no idea why I was angry.
"Then what does this has to do with him not showing up?" she asked, truly oblivious.
Jeff raised his head slowly to meet my eyes. I can tell he was getting the whole image now.
"Oh god! You don't get it yet?" the crying leveled up again, "I am saying that I blacked out again yesterday. And now Justin's missing. Doesn't that sound suspicious? Especially that I killed in one of these episodes already!"
"What are you talking about? This can't be true! You could never kill Justin. This talk is way too crazy let's just stop."
"Why? Why can't I? I already killed Leo?" I screamed in desperation.
"Because Leo is a cat, Caroline! Killing a man is a very different thing. It's not even possible for someone in your size, for god's sake! Don't go hard on yourself. This is too much."
Maybe she's right. Or maybe not. Even if it was a cat's life, it was a life. A life that I took in a very barbaric, psychotic, and bloody way. That doesn't make me less than a murderer.
Jeff's phone rang causing the three of us a slight cardiac arrest. He got out of the room to take the call. It was already too charged in here for him to speak. Silver took my hand and guided me to take a seat. I just noticed that my feet stung like I stepped in a hornets' hive. We took a seat, as Jeff came back in. his face hard to decipher.
"It was one of the resort guards. They received something that's addressed to you. I'll go get it. Would you like to come with me?" he said, too nervous to act casual.
We both nodded in unison. All three of us took off.